How do I deal with an ex who keeps lying to my child?

[Passmealargewine]

For background, I caught him cheating when our child was just one and we have been separated ever since.

The child is now 5, and the ex has been an absolute nightmare throughout, threats, abuse, lies, you name it.

I've tried mediation but it wasn't hugely successful, he sat and said all the right things then after it ended, did none of the things they suggested ( they wanted him to watch some videos and read up on how to coparent well and use a coparenting app. Both of which he's refused to do)

So the problem that I'm dealing with now is that my child is coming home saying things like ' daddy said you wouldn't let him see me on x days' and 'why did you not let me go to daddys' among other things. It's not true at all, I don't and never have stopped access, it's exs choice to see him when he does, he's even lied about being at work to avoid helping in school holidays previously. He is a compulsive liar, literally will lie about anything & everything even when there's zero need.

I'm just struggling with knowing the best way to deal with it now he's lying to my child, I don't want them having to take their dad badmouthing me & trying to manipulate them. I've thought about trying mediation again but I don't think it works, he just doesn't take it seriously.

How do I respond when my child repeats these things to me? Does anyone have any advice or experience they could share please? I'm so frustrated & worried about the impact this could have on them. I just want to protect them as much as I can.

It's very hard because there's no way to let him know the truth without contradicting what his dad has told him which will be very confusing for such a young child.

If it were me I wouldn't say 'daddy is wrong' or 'daddy is lying' but I would patiently and consistently reiterate that he can see his dad whenever he wants to. Come at it from your own standpoint not his dads.

It doesn't sound like your ex is someone who can be reasoned with but I would let him know that his malicious lies are upsetting his child. Record incidents too. It's so unfair when people do this as it's only the kids that suffer.

This man has not changed since you got away from him; he remains abusive towards you and in turn your child who is now being affected by his abuse. Stop sending your child over to see him; if he is that bothered about at all seeing his child then he can use a contact centre.

Mediation with abusive men is not recommended; the people who actually did your mediation should have realised that his relationship with you was abusive and told you not to go ahead with it. The mediator in turn was manipulated, these types are master manipulators. You were never in any safe position to do any form of mediation with him and its of no real surprise mediation was not successful.

I would be contacting both the Rights of Women and Womens Aid here; the former can help with legal advice.

I’ve not been in your situation, but just in case things keep getting worse I would suggest writing down these things as and when they happen.

Also, and this may be the wrong thing to suggest - text yr ex eg “ did/why did you tell Dc that I wouldn’t let him go to your house ……” if you are lucky you might get a reply that you can screenshot, as proof he is lying to your child. However as you state he’s a liar, I know it’s possible he’ll just lie his way out of it.

would a text to him just saying your on to him do any good?

I think men get away with this kind of shitty behaviour b because woman don't want to upset their child b y letting them know that Daddy is not reliable.

I think it's fine to say, "That's not true I'm afraid." And as the child gets older, start suggesting thinks like, "why don't you, me and Daddy have a chat about when you next see him when he drops you off?". Doesn't have to be acrimonious but then he's part of the conversation and if, subsequently, he says that you wouldn't allow something you can say, "sweetheart, you were there when Daddy and I talked about it". Or whatever.

You don't have to bad mouth DC's dad. But you also don't have to accept his version of events.

As you have the parenting app, you can use it to record any incidents -

Make it factual

DS came home and said ‘xyz’ I responded ABC’

He can respond or you can keep it for evidence should you need a court order.

And - you can just message him - every time - please use the app and I will respond accordingly - every time he messages/text/ etc

Record phone calls - use should have a screen record feature on your phone.

There are ways and means of getting this to stop -

Also, if it's a future event he's lying about... call his bluff. "I didn't say you can't go to Daddy next weekend - must be a misundertanding. Would you like to? No problem - let's text/call him right now and tell him it's fine."

This. My ex does this even with a highly tight court order.
He doesn’t see the DC except for court ordered time. A week at Christmas for example - 3 hour drive to drop off and 3 hour drive back (halfway) he didn’t turn up. He told the Dc he would come the next day but mean mummy wouldn’t drive back. I terminated the call. He then told the DC he would come down two weekends in January (not in the order) and see them every weekend until they made up their 7 days - I explained the the DC that the court order is there for a reason and this is not what the court order says.

rather than say he can come when he wants - better off saying these times are agreed in advance unless there is a total emergency (explain what this might be) they should be changed so Everyone can plan.

with your ex have a written chain eg texts and agree all times before and stick to them

^ reinforce the idea separate homes - Dc live with you visit their dad at pre agreed times

Thank you so much for the replies, there's some really good points and I'll definitely take it on board

I usually deal with him via email. In the past where I've tried calling him out & asked why he said xyz he just outright denies he said anything. Actually blames the poor kid for making stuff up instead 😔

I'm definitely starting a log of what's been said & when. I used to do it in the early days when things were 'worse' in hindsight I just wish I acted on it more then. I think you absolutely hit the nail on the head @Triffid1 a lot of men get away with it because a lot of women try to do the right thing, try to not cause a fuss, protect the kids from the truth.

You are 100% correct @AttilaTheMeerkat he really is a master manipulator. I wasn't a fan of the mediation at all, it was really clear in the meetings how uncooperative he was being, each time she would reccommend he did something even though he'd made no effort to do what was advised in the previous one! It was quite the waste of my time & money really