My parents don’t approve of my decision to have IVF with my gay friend.

[Lizzy1983]

Hi,
This is my first time ever posting on the internet for anything so I hope I can get some good advice.
I am 39 years old and have felt my clock ticking for the last decade and a half! I broke off with my ex of almost 10 years mainly because he didn’t want children. I thought I would never have a chance to fulfill my dream of motherhood. However, I have teamed up with my very good friend who is gay and is desperate to become a father. We are having our first round of IVF in two weeks.

I thought my parents would be happy for me but are completely the opposite. They totally disapprove and think what I’m doing is wrong and selfish. They have always supported me and now I feel totally alone. My mum said I have ruined our relationship and it will never be the same again.

Any ideas of how to bring my parents around, or how to deal with their negativity?

Give them space and time. Focus on yourself. They will either come around and eventually be supportive or they won’t. Hopefully they will realize that they have too much too lose by turning this into a battle.

Time will help..... it might not heal until your bundle of joy does arrive.

You are being selfish. Anyone having a child is. We do it for ourselves.

You won't talk them around. But I suspect a squishy little baby will bring them around. Do they have any other GC?

Aw, this sounds like an amazing thing for you and your friend. Are there any other reasons for them to have reservations, or is this a surprising reaction to the non- tradition situation?

Hopefully they will come around once you are pregnant, or once baby is here.

I'm sure you've fully thought this through and honestly it's nobody's business but yours and the prospective father.
If your mother's reaction came purely from a place of love and concern she wouldn't be saying awful things like you've permanently damaged your relationship with her.
It's terribly upsetting but you need to focus on yourself and the very good reasons you have for making this decision.
I'm really glad for you and I wish you all the best.

My parents didn't agree with DH & I doing ivf to try for a second child, especially during the pandemic. In 2020 when they found out we had massive arguments over it. We've now got a 4 week old & the arguments are a dim & distant memory & they love their granddaughter & helped me a lot during pregnancy

Keep going, good luck & try not to fret ❤️

I think at least you know your prospective "baby daddy" you know his character and you can find out his medical history if the need arises. You're already friends so, to me it sounds much better to conceive this way than trying to grab the first available man and rushing into a relationship and a pregnancy before your biological timebomb goes off. It also sounds preferable to using an anonymous donor as hopefully your child will be able to know and form a bond with both their parents. Good luck to both of you and I hope your parents understand your reasons and cherish your baby xx

Good point. It was a very damaging, manipulative thing for OP's mother to say.

They do have a 3 year old grandson who they love to bits. This makes it hurt more 😞

If you think about it, you aren't doing anything that the rest of us haven't done. Two grownups decide they want a family, they look around for the perfect father/mother for their child, they produce a child who is loved and wanted.

Your parents will come round when their grandchild arrives and when they see both of you co-parenting and giving that child love and security. Give them time.

Hey OP, I'm a single parent by choice and that has definitely impacted my relationship with my parents (though it's not our only disagreement). Amongst other things my mother said "well, we'll STILL love our grandchild", as if she was doing me a massive favour. I was like "wtf ? That's the very least you need to do if you want to see me and my kids ever again."

There is no talking them round if they're anything like my parents. I took a massive step back and we now only talk a few times a year. I think this was the right decision. I feel good about my family and I definitely wouldn't give up on having kids to spare someone else's feelings !

I think if you try to get them to come round that will only make it worse. I'd just let them know that the decision was made and it's up to them to stay in touch if they want to. Then spare them no headspace and focus on ttc.

They might come around after baby is born to an extent, most likely not before. Mine rewrote history claiming they "never said that" or I "misunderstood". I didn't and I'll never let them forget the hurtful things they said. I'll also never forgive them. We'll never have a close relationship again.

Thank you all for your advice and kind words. It’s nice to know that I’m not the crazy one! It’s also really nice to hear how accepting people are these days of non traditional relationships. Please, keep your advice coming!

much love