Have I scared him off or is this normal for a relationship?

[St0bb]

So been dating someone just over 4months. Been pretty much single for 7 years but dated a lot in that time & this is the 1st guy I've genuinely been excited about

I was conscious off being overly keen and made a real effort to "play it cool" (not by playing games but just not by being overly eager/gushy etc)

He brought up the fact he'd deleted dating apps pretty early on and we didn't specifically discuss exclusivity but that's what I assumed he meant....

Was over the moon about that but still tried to play it cool. Not stand off ish but if he said he was missing me I'd say it back but wouldn't initiate

Last week he jokingly asked if I would be his gf. I say jokingly in that he was saying it was cringey to ask but also saying how much he likes me & spending time with me etc. To add context, we're both mid-40s so I think it's the term bf/gf he was saying was cringe

When we're together everything is honestly brilliant BUT since he brought up the bf/gf discussion he seems to have cooled right off, both in terms of texting and making plans.

Is it:

1. this is the natural next phase and he doesn't see the need to make the same level of effort;
2. I've been acting too keen since we had the bf/gf chat. I feel like I've dropped my guard a lot more since then. Have I scared him off?

Please be kind it's a long time since I've reached this stage in dating (after a disasterous abusive marriage).

If it's 1) and I know that's what it is, then I'm totally okay with it but it would just be nice to have some reassurance that's what it is,
If it's 2) how do I fix it? Is it too late or do I pull back a bit?

Sorry it was so long. It doesn't help that we've not seen each other in 2 weeks. 1st week he had covid and felt really ill. I was trying to avoid getting it.

Now I have covid and was hoping he'd make an effort to come and see me since he shouldn't be able to catch it. He has been saying he's still completely exhausted but has been back at work

This combined with the less texting has got me paranoid.

Sorry for the long posts but thanks for reading

Honestly? Talk to him about it and just be yourself. No need to hold yourself back for anyone. It's not your ntural self then.

Thanks @Opaljewel I have a history of being a bit clingy and so scared of ruining this!

I honestly think that with the right person, you can relax and be yourself. Have you given him a chance to see the real you?

1st week he had covid and felt really ill. I was trying to avoid getting it.

Now I have covid and was hoping he'd make an effort to come and see me...

Theres your problem imo. You wouldn't see him when he was ill but are now annoyed that he's not coming to see you.

I don’t think you can blame him for not coming around when you had covid. He may have just had it himself but he still won’t want to risk becoming infectious again if he’s back at work and socialising.

Its hard to know if you’ve scared him off without any details about how your behaviour has changed since the bf/gf conversation…

I dropped groceries and paracetamol off on his door step.

The reason I didn't see him was to try to avoid catching it (I was previously on the shielding list and he knows this).

I tested positive 7 days after I last had. Intact with him so I'm assuming that's where I got it now but that's only with hindsight.

However, my thinking was that as soon as we both tested positive there was no reason to stay away from each other?

Now it’s more official you should be open and honest. You can do this without being too gushy, but if he can’t hack the real you, then it’s not going to go anywhere anyway, so the sooner you know, the better.

That's maybe the problem! I had thought if I'd got it from him he then could've pass it on again. Maybe my lack of understanding but he did comment on us isolating together if we both had it

He’s still getting over Covid.
He most probably assumes that you won’t be seeing each other as you’re currently ill.

Its hard to know if you’ve scared him off without any details about how your behaviour has changed since the bf/gf conversation…

It's just small things like me initiating text conversations whereas in the past he was constantly texting me so I had no chance.

It's more a change in pattern/intensity him sensing but hoping it's just that he's more comfortable and feels less need to impress

I have been accused in the past of being clingy and needing a lot of attention (from an abusive partner) so it's something I'm really conscious of

He probably meant you could isolate together if you had it at the same time… if you tested positive 7 days after him, he would have been done with isolation.

You didn’t address the rest of my comment so I’m assuming that you’re not going to explain how your behaviour has changed since the bf/gf chat.

Sorry. Just seen your other message. Initiating text conversations doesn’t seem like enough to put him off to be honest. If that’s all it is, I doubt it’s that. Only you know if it’s just initiating text conversations (and the content of those conversations). If you’ve started texting him “I love you” and long paragraphs about how amazing he is, you may have scared him off!

No nothing like that. Neither of us have said we love each other and I'm not an overly gushy person.

Before he'd have said he was missing me and I'd have replied, whereas now I've said it first and he's replied

I'm wondering if it's harder cos it's been texting and not seeing each other in person. We usually chat on the phone more too but when he had covid he slept most of the day and now I'm off he's back at work

Sounds like he's still unwell. Covid fatigue is a thing. He might be going back to work because he has to, that doesn't mean he has energy left for anything else. He's said he's exhausted, what else do you need to know?

If that's it then I don't need to know anything else. I would just like to know that's all it is

I guess I'm just feeling vulnerable as I've dropped my guard more than I have done since my ex and feeling a bit exposed.

@St0bb
just for reference I’m a man & tried to put myself in his shoes

reading your posts, i think your playing it cool might have been mistaken for a lack of interest from your side after the bf/gf chat, maybe he thinks you have gone off him a bit ?

I've not been playing it cool since the chat. That's when I've stopped playing it as cool and at the same time he's gone slightly quieter (although we've both had covid)...

Even when I say I've been playing it cool, anytime he's said he likes me, he misses me or gives me a compliment, I've returned it and said I felt the same (in different words). I've just been biting my tongue not too get too carried away and say too much too soon if that makes sense

I think you're just feeling generally unwell and low. But have a frank convo about it. You have nothing to lose. If he has cooled and lost interest its better to know now. He probably hasn't it's a most likely bad timing with him getting sick and then you. But have a chat and let us know what happens. Good luck x

I think I will bring it to and I'll update. I think we've both been feeling a bit low with not being well.

Right before he got covid we'd had a week off work together and it was so nice to spend the time with him.....then to not seeing him since has been hard.

I've not had the best dating experiences and keeps expecting him to lose interest

So hard to decipher on this one, lack of sleep or illness can totally skew perception but sometimes gut instinct is invaluable if I was in doubt I’d plump with my gut instinct if something feels off so early it’s off

When I had Covid, I felt ok but the weeks after was a kind of exhaustion I have never felt before, even with newborns.

He might be out of isolation but still not feeling 100%, so don’t worry too much about that.

He obviously likes you, it’s just been a shitty couple of weeks for you both. Just be yourself, no game playing with pulling back, and see how it is when you’re both able to see each other again.

Thanks everyone! I had my first full
Nights sleep since I tested positive (I've been really tired but not sleeping great). Feeling much more positive this morning now and think I was feeling a bit over sensitive 🤞🏼