Oh balls, oh balls oh balls! Help! I urgently need help - I have just messed up - wail!

[dividedselfridgesxmaswindow]

I don't even know how to explain this.

Roughly, dp of 3 months has said that he wants to spend Saturday nights at his place whereas normally he always spends this time with me and my dcx3 bringing his 2 dc with him.

The dc chat til very late and are quite hard work all together but I'm hppy with htis because it is the mos relaxed stretch of time dp and I have; Sat night into Sunday morning and all day Sunday.

I have got the hump about this and felt that if we can't deal with this Saturday issue and sort out the children and their sleep set up then the whole relationship becomes pointless because we'd really own then hve the fag end of every week day together and I said this makes me feel like a week night fuck .

He wants to carry on, I said that I don't go backwards in relationships and since we have spent every night together for 2 months happily then I don't get this course of action and wish to end things if it is to be like that.

He is very upset and cross with me about this so we reched a stale mate. Next thing, the children start mucking about upstairs and he says "right, it's nearly 5 o'clock and my kids haven't had tea - i'm taking them home" so I say "right" and mutter and swear a bit. Kids come down and say "why aren't we making butter like we were supposed to and i say "cos D (dp) is being grumpy - ask him" and off they go.

I send wicked text and now wonder what to do...

Feck.

Kid in tears and I soon will be I think. At the mo I am fuming.

have called - he has to come down here to sort an issue in his shop so i asked if he'd pop in and see me.

Just have to not be a twunt again now.

I think his reason for not wanting to keep on with the saturdays as they are is perfectly sensible and reasonable of him, tbh. It would not be enjoyable for me either!!

Instead of acting like it's either that or nothing - why not come up with an alternative way to spend time together?

I'm jealous I guess - I only get the short rubbish times with him. I also like his dc even though they are as naughty as mine and i like doing stuff with them and so it feels like he is taking it all away quite suddenly.

Hi, what did you decide to do in the end? Hope things are sorted out now.

Thanks.

He came over, I asked if he'd like to stay and eat with me so we ordered Take Out and had a nice evening until I brought it up at bedtime and totally pissed him off with my insecurity. I think he was glad to go to work in the morning.

Trouble is, the more I act like this, the more he dislikes me and the more distant he is so the worse I become.

It all started with a handful of small - teeny - things that made me worried/insecure.

His ex dw sent him a text saying "from tall, blonde and successful to deceitful gnome" (or somesuch) which at the time made me mostly laugh but now is making me hink hmmm...I am only 5'2" actually and I'm not exactly successful. Then there's the first ex wife who fawns over him and then the fact that he is stressed and distant sometimes because he has loads going on with the divorce.

I'm being silly but the doubts are there and I don't deal with them too well. I have been in tears loads today, feel despondent and hopeless and like I've already fucked it all up with him so what's the point?

I think you're doing a classic sabotage act here. From what you say there seems to be something in your past/early life (a parent perhaps?) that made you think you were not good enough/someone was going to leave you/you weren't allowed to get close to someone.

Your'e setting it up that this bloke is going to leave you because that's what you believe deep down people you love will do.

If your new bloke happens to be being reasonable and does like you, you won't be content with that and something inside you will start to push and push so he thinks you're a weirdy and gives up.

You will then have completed the pattern and reinforced the inner belief. ('see I told you, they always leave me')

Does this sound plausible? I think whatever is going on it is mainly in your head and you need to lamp those inner voices and be sensible - 'he says this, therefore he means this,' - not that hard is it

Absolutely.

CBT has got me so far.

I know these things:

When I was 2 I was left at home alone for a short period while asleep and woke up in an empty house unable to get any further than peering over the window sill of the spare room and screaming until a neighbour came.

Subsequently I recall being hysterical if I knocked on the front door at home after playing out, gave up, went to back door only to find parents had answered front door (iyswim?)

And, also, if my mum came to pick me up from school in her car the deal was I had to look out for the car near the staff car park. I remember sometimes I didn't see her and so continued home on foot as per the arrangement. It upset me and worried me to make sure I didn't miss her car and if I found she had been there waiting while I walked home it totally freaked. I would have been in First Year Juniors at this point so a little OTT.

My last partner used to walk out and leave me for days on end when he disagreed with me - feigning suicide, etc.

My first boyfriend whom I lived with had enough of me and so instead of picking me up from work as agreed one day, I walked home afer waiting in vain and arrived at our little place to watch him drive away with all his stuff in the back of the car.

Abandonment issues, moi?

But, do you think this could all have started with the 2 year old incident? Anyone?

I DESPERATELY want to move on from this.

I think you should tell him this and also get some counselling - relate?

Apparently, if you can remember things from your young childhood (4yrs and under) it shapes your mentality over issues/situations for life. Sounds like your experiences at 2 have dug deeper scars than you first thought?

You have been through one HELL of a lot; take a step back and try to let go a small amount; letting go just a tiny bit will let him breathe again - the last thing you want to do is suffocate the relationship. Giving him this space will help to keep him (weird but true)...

Hope you are ok dividedselfridges - take care x

Gosh I'd no idea how much of a nerve I'd hit. I'm so sorry.

~Yes, I think it all started with your parents behaving very oddly. No wonder you have issues now.

Cbt is a great thing but might not have been enough. I would like to suggest psychotherapy. It would get further in, you don't just need coping srategies like CBT can offer, you really need to go back through a lot of hurt and so on, properly, and psychotherapy is designed to help you do this.

You may be able to get it on the NHS if you wait a year or two. There;s usually a list. Or some private therapists have a sliding scale iyswim.

I have no doubt whatsoever that your upbringing has shaped your expectations - the partners you have had were a result of this, not a cause.

Well done for making the link, I hope you find a way to get right to the bottom of it and then you might be ready for something healthy.

FWIW I have similar problems so I do understand

btw do explin to your bloke about all this. Show him this thread. If you are prepared to seek help, there's no reason he should not stay with you as long as he's prepared to...but he can't sort you out, you'll need a trained therapist to do that.

sorry explain

We even get these messages and feelings when we are still in the womb which obviously we would not remember but it is still way back in our long term memory.

I think YABU. You're chucking your toys out of the pram because you can't have your own way, and that's just silly and self-sabotaging this early on in the relationship. He obviously takes his responsibility to his kids very seriously and puts them first - this is as it should be. Why don't you compromise - have the arrangement how he wants it for a few months and see how it works out? If you then still feel that you aren't getting enough good quality time together, you can re-negotiate. Also, have to say - three months is very early on in a relationship to be living in each others pockets, kids and all. Maybe slowing down the pace might be best on lots of levels?

Sensitively put LA.

I think you know deep down in your heart that you rushed into this relationship too soon don't you?

You were far from healed from all that you've been through, and needed to sort yourself out, get into a good place personally before starting anything new.

I think it's time to put the brakes on, slow things down and properly reflect on what you're doing, what you want, and what you need to do to reach that point. That doesn't mean making a rash decison though. That means thinking things through carefully, and taking things slowly.

I wanted to add my sixpence-worth because I also rushed into a relationship too soon. We were both very messed up and desperate to be happy but had WAAAY too much baggage and tho we loved each other it took two years for us to work through our problems.

My point is that you also sound like you have a lot of baggage and are desperate to be happy, so much so that you are unable to think clearly about why he might be wanting this time on his own with his DC's.

In my experience its a good thing that he can state his needs and in an ideal world your response would either be "Well I'll miss you but okay, if that's what you need" or to negotiate another way.
Instead it pushed all your buttons and left you feeling confused and desperate. I recognise that reaction believe me!

I could go on but I'm wondering if you managed to resolve anything or talk to him?