EA

[Bouncier]

Partner had an EA with my BIL. She denied any wrongdoing. My sister called saying she had found messages on her husbands phone between my wife and him. Nothing sexual. Overly close, they both spoke about their marriages and issues within the marriage, reference to private calls, unkind things said about their own and eachothers spouses by both of them.

They are both furious that their innocent friendship has been questioned.

What do we do? My sister is really emotional. My partner is furious but her and BIL have checked in with eachother to see how they each doing (🚩🚩???)

Yeah, that needs shutting down ASAP. Not sure how your relationship with sister and BIL can come back from that really.

Hmmm. I think a few more details might help generate some comments and advice.

I think it very much depends on the messages and conversations had.

I am also wondering if there is any hint they are physically attracted to one another outside of the recently discovered inappropriate exchanges?

Sorry, if this was so innocent why were they hiding it?

I think the only thing clear here is that both of your marriages have issues.
From what you said - it only appears to me that your W and BIL were confiding in each other. And given that they were married to siblings - I can see how it could have happened. Who knows - maybe they felt that they were facing similar issues. Or just felt safer to talk to someone in the same situation.

I think it is a stretch and a deflection to think of that as EA. You and your sister need to rather decide if you want to work on your individual marriages, rather than point fingers.

To someone upthread saying - ‘why those messages were secret’….. Do spouses have to disclose to each other when they vent to their friends about problems in relationship? This is no different.

Your husband’s brother in law is not your mate to slag off your husband to or divulge your marital issues. It’s beyond inappropriate.

Is she partner or wife, you call her both ?

I use partner and wife interchangeably. We are married.

My wife has deleted her messages with my brother in law. She is entitled to privacy. The 2 of them have never let on that they had a close friendship. To say this all came as a shock to me would be putting it mildly and I don’t really know what to make of it all.

I never read the messages. My sister has them and has read them all. She wants me to go through them to see for myself. She informed me of a few and those were “offensive” / crossed boundaries enough for me to realize this was a close friendship.

@Didimum
What if it was two female partners of two brothers venting about their spouses, finding similarities, etc? Would you also have called it inappropriate? I doubt it.
There is a certain affinity between people married to the same family. When that family shares certain characteristics - and it often happens - it’s easier to discuss it with others who are familiar/living with that.
I certainly had that with partners of all sexes in my my exH extended family.
Did we discuss our spouses over the years - I am sure. Absolutely nothing inappropriate in that.

@Bouncier - what you make of it is up to you. The big choice you need to make is whether or not you want to get to the bottom of the issues in your marriage or go your separate ways.

As you said in your post - the messages weren’t sexual. So it isn’t an affair.
It was two people having problems in their relationships discussing those problems with someone who they thought could relate to them.
Can I ask you - did you know your W was unhappy in the marriage? Were you happy until this came out? If not - what were you guys doing /not doing to change things?

This is either a wake-up call that will help you fix it. Or it’s the end.
For your sister - by the sound of it - it’s the end. She is clearly not ready to face the issues in her relationship and is focusing on the upset that her H discussed those issues with someone.

When you are straight, there is no chance of forming a romantic bond with another woman through the sharing of your marital issues and name-calling your partner. And yes, actually, I do think it’s inappropriate to share details of your intimate marital problems to your husband’s close family member.

@Didimum
It is easy to judge people without knowing anything about their lives. Easy to pass judgement with some general black and white view of the world.
In an ideal world - people with marital problems are able to talk it out with a spouse and work on resolving them.
In real world - it doesn’t always work out the way it should.
The spouse may not be open to hearing you. Your family may not be there to support you. You may or may not have friends with attention span or mental space to be able to listen.
My point is - none of us know what is going on in these two marriages. We don’t know what the issues are that these two unhappy spouses of two siblings bonded over discussing. Or under what circumstances they found a sympathetic ear in another.
But them being married to siblings doesn’t make it automatically wrong,
They are just two h happy people. They were not sneaking about or sending each other nudes.
I think people without issues in their relationships do not understand how lonely and unhappy it can get for people in unhappy marriages. And how valuable it is when you find support in a friend.

But we are back to the ‘anyone of different gender can’t be a friend’. I disagree.

I can see why they confided in each other - they know the family and dynamics more than a friend would. I don't think it's an EA - that's quite different. Your sister is peed off that her husband has been discussing marriage issues. Whoever it was she'd feel that way.

I agree that everyone is entitled to confide in friends or family as the need arises. As a family, we’re no different to most families; complicated and a lot of love around.

My sister has taken this hard. She has cancer and been treated for the last year. She’s still got a long road ahead of her and it looks like her husband is resentful of picking up the slack in the last year when she was unable to do what she normally does. He’s messaged about not missing my sister when she’s been really ill and stayed with our parents for weeks at a time to be cared for. He’s been getting emotional support from my wife to stand up for himself and leave her while she’s ill to pursue his “dream” of being a writer and these evening workshops. Saying he deserves so much more.

Between them they are totally undermining their and each other’s marriages.

I understand the point they understand our family dynamics etc. It is tricky!

I cannot even fathom how a woman can try and convince a man to leave his wife whilst she is ill. They are both vile, toxic individuals.

Do you not see that her aggressive encouragement to BIL to leave his wife is the precursor to them starting a relationship?

@Bouncier
This is all so messy and sad at the same time. And it’s great your sister is turning the corner.

I am going to guess that your BIL’s ‘dream’ of doing writing/workshops aren’t new and predate your sister’s cancer. And it might have been a source of his resentment before as well. Alternatively, it is possible that he is in a midst of midlife crisis.
It is very clear he is not in his marriage for better or for worse. Maybe the marriage broke down a long time ago. Or maybe he is just a really selfish person who can’t be a partner in crisis.
Your sister is better off relying on people who actually love and support her. Guilting her H into staying and being the husband she needs him to be isn’t going to work. He is not that man.

It also seems to me that your W never liked your sister. This is the only reason I can think of why she’d side with someone in this situation.

None of this is going to make it any better for you. Only possibly explain it a little.

I still don’t think it’s an affair or cheating. But for me this would be worse. This would be a sort of disappointment in a partner that I would find hard to get over.

Maybe you and your DSIS are actually difficult people to be in a relationship with and they have just been supporting each other?

Your post comes across as a bit jealous and controlling. They are in the same extended family, are they not allowed to be close?

The issue is not that they are close, but that they have hidden their ‘relationship’ from everyone.

I have been with DP for over 20 years, although I have his brother’s phone number - we are in a family WhatsApp group, I would never phone or message him to discuss anything even remotely personal and I certainly would not be encouraging him to leave his wife!