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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Confused relationship with a colleague

10 replies

cloud1183 · 01/06/2022 18:21

Recently a new colleague joined our department and we got on so well from the off. We have the same sense of humour and have a great time in each other’s company. We started to flirt with each other and have a lot of chemistry. She often touches my arm/back and drifts into my personal space and we have started to text quite a lot

However, it then transpired she’s in a relationship. She told me that she wouldn’t really be too bothered if her partner dumped her and it sounds like she’s not particularly happy.

I’m quite confused about what is going on as she’s clearly not going to separate from her partner but is very tactile and flirtatious with me and I do believe she has some feelings for me.

But the more I think about it the more I think she is using me to inflate her ego. I’m quite a bit younger than she is and I guess she may feel flattered I like her. When she talks about her partner I do wonder if she’s trying to make me jealous. Any advice or thoughts on what is occurring would be greatly appreciated because I can’t make sense of it. If anything were to happen it would also be my first same sex relationship

OP posts:

TheSpottedZebra · 01/06/2022 18:28

Does she know you're gay?
Apols for bluntness!

Original poster

cloud1183 · 01/06/2022 18:30

I’m not ‘out’ but I don’t think it would come as as a surprise to anyone.

OP posts:

Motnight · 01/06/2022 18:32

I think that you need to take a step back, Op. You could end up hurt plus the situation at work could become difficult.

Original poster

cloud1183 · 01/06/2022 18:36

Motnight · 01/06/2022 18:32

I think that you need to take a step back, Op. You could end up hurt plus the situation at work could become difficult.

Thanks. This is what I’m afraid of- part of me thinks I’m just being played and am being used to inflate an ego. Since I knew she was in a relationship she talks about her partner quite a lot but still flirts with me and is very tactile. It’s very confusing and I’m not sure where I stand at all

I don’t want to create a stir and confront the situation too much because we are colleagues

OP posts:

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 01/06/2022 18:38

I think for your own sake you should back off as it's really not fair of her to flirt with you if she's attached. If she's unhappy in her relationship then the honourable thing to do is to end that relationship before starting anything with anyone else.

I think you are right to be cautious. The last thing you want is for your first same sex experience to be tainted by getting mixed up in someone else's relationship dramas.

Motnight · 01/06/2022 18:47

Start by moving away every time she touches you. Sounds like her boundaries are blurred if she is doing this. And other people will have noticed.

Good luck.

Whitehorsegirl · 01/06/2022 18:51

You are putting yourself in a dodgy position. This is your workplace and you don't want to put your job at risk for this.

This person might not realise you are gay and she is just being friendly. Or it is likely she is enjoying the attention and you are just a distraction when she is at work and an ego boost.

She needs to first sort out what she wants to do about her relationship if she is not happy rather than flirt with other people. You should not get involved in anything further with her while she still has a partner.

If she was single my advice would be bit different as workplace romances can be tricky but many people also meet a partner through work. But in this case all the above just sound like this woman is just really bad news...

Remain friendly but bring this back to a professional relationship and cool down the texting and personal info sharing.

Original poster

cloud1183 · 01/06/2022 18:56

Whitehorsegirl · 01/06/2022 18:51

You are putting yourself in a dodgy position. This is your workplace and you don't want to put your job at risk for this.

This person might not realise you are gay and she is just being friendly. Or it is likely she is enjoying the attention and you are just a distraction when she is at work and an ego boost.

Remain friendly but bring this back to a professional relationship and cool down the texting and personal info sharing.

Thank you- as much as I don’t want to hear that I know that it is the right thing to do. She was married for a while and after her divorce she jumped into her current relationship because she doesn’t want to be on her own. I think this is why she doesn’t want to leave her partner but wouldn’t be too bothered if her partner left her

She says her partner is very different and it sounds like she’s not particularly happy at home but I think I’m being used as a distraction while at work and an ego boost

OP posts:

St0bb · 01/06/2022 19:17

It sounds like she has a fear of being on her own and likes to jump from relationship to relationship.....

If so, she's potentially lining you up as a replacement to move on to

Not the best basis for a relationship

2bazookas · 01/06/2022 19:20

Sex/ emotional involvement at work is always a recipe for mess. That alone is good enough reason not to mess with a person who has no respect for or integrity re the partner she's with.
Imagine her after the fling is over, making snide disloyal remarks about you to other work colleagues, clients, managers....

Have some respect for yourself, because you'll be getting none from her.

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