Is it possible to forgive and move on?

[turtledovelove]

A couple of weeks ago my partner confessed to a very big gambling problem. I had absolutely no idea. We've been together 3.5 yrs and have a DD together. We also have other children from previous marriages.

One of the biggest reasons behind confessing is because he is in serious trouble with his previous employer for stealing a significant amount of money. The police have been involved.

To say that I'm devastated is an understatement. I feel as though the rug has been well and truly pulled from beneath me.

He is utterly ashamed and remorseful and tells me that he will do everything in his power to make this right again. He knows the damage he has caused and the high likelihood of me walking away which is the very last thing that he wants. I must admit I do have some faith that he will follow through with his actions.

He went to his first GA group this week which I think he found very useful.

Other than this gambling addiction he is a lovely guy and an amazing dad to all of our children.

I just don't know how I even begin to forgive and salvage our relationship. I feel so many emotions - anger, disappointment, let down, sad, sympathy....a real mixed bag.

If anyone can offer any words of advice I would be most appreciative. Thank you.

Op this is a tough one. Will it leave you in a lot of financial debt? Or bankruptcy? Tbh I would ask to take control of the finances for now - while he is seeking treatment at least. Also some therapy for you as well. Have you spoke to any family/friends in RL? I wouldn’t take any financial responsibility for it now and see if he see’s GA through. Are you financially reliant on him?

I think it’s really hard when you have children together to make a quick decision. Maybe that’s just me. But if I was you I want want space to think it through. The question you don’t know the answer to is wether he can get over the addiction to gambling and is there any other issues he hasn’t told you about. Also has this ended up costing you money/security. The stealing from work is a big thing. I think I would struggle to get my head round the lack of honesty. I would suggest counselling for yourself to gather your thoughts and understand the situation.

Thankfully he hasn't wracked up thousands in debt. I will take full financial control and I now check his online banking daily. He has always given me money to cover bills etc. We have had some very open and honest conversations and believe me I have grilled him over and over. I have also been in contact with his ex about it all. She made the same discovery years ago when they were together! I feel foolish to be the last to know.

It's the lying and deceit that seems to be affecting me the most. I just can't seem to get my head around the fact he's done all this. To the person he loves the most in the world!

I think counselling is a very good idea. To enable me to try and make sense of it all and to hopefully one day be at peace with the situation.

I'm in a very fortunate position of having an extremely supportive family - to both of us in fact. This helps a lot.

I do believe him when he says he will get all the help possible. He has already put a stop to being able to access the betting apps on his phone.

I’m glad it’s not thousands. I don’t think forgiving and forgetting is necessary as you will always need to be on the look out now I think. If you truly believe he can change, then you both must work together to work through it, by no means will it be easy for either of you. I believe your ex and his ex should have been honest about this as it really could have wrecked you financially and mentally. I hope you are both able to seek therapy together to work through it and history doesn’t repeat its self. However I do think if you both want it to work yous will have the ability to work through it honestly. But be mindful and be careful. It will take you a long time to get past it and trust him again.

A lier is a lier, he ruined his last relationship which included children, what is different this time ? Sorry to be harsh OP

Honestly, no. He has done it before, with his ex. I wouldn’t be thinking he will do it again. One session at GA isn’t enough to know if he is getting something out of it.

I would feel that I was signing myself up to a life of having to micromanage all out money and him OR give him free rein to do this again. I wouldn’t want either. Addicts are very good at convincing people ‘this time I mean it’

and he is a thief. On top of the gambling. He is a thief. I couldn’t do it.

Has he been charged? Any further police action.

So he’s done it before with his first wife, and no doubt promised to change then too. He is a gambling addict, I’d be moving on.

The scumbag who steals money from his employer to fund his gambling habit - that’s the real him. Does being a good dad really make up for being a thief and lying to you for all these years?

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

He did this before OP and didn't learn - did he make the same promises to her? What's behind the gambling? That's just a symptom, he needs to deal with the reason he gambles.

He's been interviewed and it is now in the hands of the CPS. I have no doubt that he will be prosecuted and a punishment will be given. That that punishment is I have no idea.

These are all valid responses and I appreciate the input. I have asked all of the questions and more over and over again. This is what I'm struggling with....why hasn't he sought help long before now?

Credit check on him, you and the kids names first off - not even kidding!

One GA meeting is meaningless!
Gambling is a horrifically hard addiction to recover from.

I suspect you're only being told what he fears you will soon be told by others

Great partners and dads don't do this shit! He's risked bailiffs and police at your door and basically it's happened is that what you want for dc?

You cannot actually take full financial control over a competent adult, there are so many ways he can hide his spending now

If his ex found out when they were together this is far from a new thing!

In all likelihood he made her all the same promises!

Addicts lie! And gambling addicts are the best at lying of all addicts!

I have experience of gambling addiction and other addictions in my own family. Personally I would advise walking away, very very unlikely he will change.

Because he didn’t want to seek help. Now he feels like he has no choice. He is hoping it stops you leaving. Once he feels the danger of you leaving is past, he will slowly start again.

If he had got away with theft, you still wouldn’t know.
I assume he is now not working.

He will be unemployable for a while. He is a thief. He has done this before. He will have a criminal record and likely everyone who knows you and the kids will know. He won’t be bringing money in.

When you say he is a good dad you mean he is good at interacting with them? Makes food for them? Absolute basics? Good dads don’t do what he did. They don’t risk their childrens well being. Good partners don’t do what he did.

He is not a lovely guy nor is he an amazing father.
He is a Liar, a cheat and he hasn't learned from his previous gambling problems with his first wife.

You have no idea of the scale of this because he is a Liar. He may say its not thousands, who knows? He is dishonest.

If you stay with him you are signing yourself and your daughter up to a life of misery.
Constant checking of bank accounts, constant doubts. Not a way to live.

One GA meeting -laughable.

Ltb. He's norlt just a liar, he is a criminal. You would be absolutely crazy to stay in this relationship.