it keeps going from bad to worse

[TLV]

why is it that 2 people who were once so in love are now at each others throats all the time, me and soon 2b xDH argued again (in front of dd) this morning when he came to collect her, he took offence at something I said and that was it we were both guilty of it, i've promised myself i wouldn't do it and my poor dd seems to get stuck in the middle again (i really feel like i'm letting her down) i'm not sure what to do anymore I'm at relate this week and so far dh was going to come with me but in the argument this morning i told him not to bother and goodness know what the neighbours think of it all, will this get any easier, he has totally tainted the family home (in that he has placed it as somewhere we argue all the time and won't enter it if i'm in it) everything feels totally screwed up.

You sound very sad about this, understandably. Sorry it has all got so horrible.

Are you able to tell us what was said? Just to give an example of how a conversation between you can degenerate?

he picked her up, i had decided to keep quiet but then had to mention for him not to take her to the beach as she is on antibiotics for ear infection, he thought i was barking orders at him, he put her in the car and said he would have a word then went to get in the car I got upset we ended having more words, I said something out of order (nothing horrific) he called me a bitch etc and he called me a psycho which really hurt, its all so horrid and what really hurts is the opinion which he holds of me now because i'm not a horrible person tho he would have me believe so sometimes

What did he mean by "he would have a word"? As in he would put DD in the car and then discuss it with you? What made you get upset?

yep he meant he would have a word after putting dd in the car but then he went to walk away, i think I really need to just stop expecting him to want to talk about anything and to put me and dd first, who knows maybe relate will do some good

tlv my xp is a bit like yours aswell, he never wants to talk at all!!

When i try he says i havent come here to talk, and also he will say oh no not again ill go then if your going to start asking questions

I try not to ask or say anything to him now to be honest, i don`t see the point as he only gets angry with me

yes they do sound very similar so I think i need to stop talking and get on with things

When a relationship breaks down both parties hurt inside and so acti irrationally.

I think one of the fundamental things people do wrong in relationships and socail interactions is assuming or expecting the other person to act a certain way, or act the way we want them to, or behave in the same way we would, but they don't. This often causes tension and arguments etc. We've all done it, with the friend who "should have called by now" or partner who "should have replied to the text", or the ex who "should have wanted to talk about it". The thing is, we don't all share the same assumptions or follow the same script in our head. I found on realising this and remembering this that other people's behaviour doesn't upset me nearly as much as it used to, as I no longer take it personally.

Oh it is so complex though isn't it, breaking up is never easy is it?

I agree with OMDB - but I do think we all guilty of porjecting guessing assuming what parnters/husbands are thinking/wanting/wishing to say. Doesnt excuse his bad behaviour in front of dd but you need to make these handover periods positive and pgrownup if possible not a torture for dd. You are going to rubbing eachother up the wrong way in any case so wouldnt a time be better set aside to disucss childcare isseus way from dd?

and am a rubbish typist as you can see!!!but had my own bad day with dh

I also totally agree with OMDB, I too have come to that realisation lately, especially with men who I really do believe are an ENTIRELY different breed to women.

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" goes some way to explaining if you haven't read it (you probably have) - it is fairly simplistic but I think it is really important to remember that you can't expect other people to "get" something at the same time as you or be in the same frame of mind as you at exactly the same time, and it is very easy to make assumptions that may be totally unrealistic or untrue.

For instance, the other day I thought I had said something that offended DH and when he went quiet my instinct was to get defensive by trying to dig my way out of it in a very round about way and get him to say that I hadn't upset him and he was ok with me, in a "needy" kind of way. Instead, I just waited and said nothing and carried on acting as normally as I could.

About an hour later he came up to me and said that the thing i had said was right. He had had a think about it and he agreed with me, and he thanked me for pointing it out. I was so glad that I had just shut up when I did.

Sorry if that was a bit obscure. And sorry you are going through a tough time TLV. But there is something about yor post that says that you don't want him to be your ex... am I wrong?