Am I being unrealistic with my expectations?

[purpleflowersss]

Hi, long time lurker here.

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for just over a year now. It started as you’d expect - constant texting, compliments left right and centre, it was amazing. We are 26 years old for context.

He is a very secure guy with lots of other hobbies and interests and, of course, as the relationship has moved along all the constant texting and soppiness has slowly disappeared.

I don’t know if I have unrealistic expectations though as some things are making me feel a little upset. I do suffer from generalised anxiety so maybe this is why.

For example if I pay him a compliment he’d always tell me he felt so lucky and it meant loads to him, and now he will just say “thank you”.
I feel I plan a lot of the days out and ask for
him to come over etc, but he says that we don’t need to ask and it’s just a given if we are seeing each other.
He says I should know he loves me and he’s excited to see me so he doesn’t need to say it 24/7.
We used to be intimate almost every morning, and now he will usually be “snoozing” in the morning so won’t initiate anything because he’s too tired. We still do have sex pretty much everytime we see each other.
He works remotely and would often text throughout the day but it’s becoming hours without replies now. He says it’s just because work is busy and we’re not at the stage where we need to anymore. I feel he replies to my things but doesn’t initiate much himself anymore, whereas he used to be a lot more expressive. He said it was because we were getting to know each other.

I am moving in with him very soon and he stands by the fact that he is very excited and is 100% sure - so am I worrying over nothing? Are my expectations unrealistic?

Thanks all in advance for your inputs.

Hi op . I have anxiety too
And I'm exactly like
You when it comes to relationships . I'm the end you will Push him away unfortunately. You have nothing to worry about . The fact that your moving in together says it all . But I would 100 lay off the questions . Xxx

You sound very clingy. If I were you I’d work on your anxiety before you move in.

I’m impressed you managed to get all the texting, regular sex, compliments etc to last a year!! Normally that fizzles out after 5/6 months as you know each other more and know how your progressing by that stage.

Your a bit needy and clingy and need to rein that in but I do understand it.

I used to have a bf like you sound & I must admit in the end it all became too much. Constant neediness & questioning my love/dedication to him! In the end he put a ‘multiple choice’ handwritten questionnaire on my car where I had to tick boxes about how long I’ll love him / how much I miss him etc🤣(I know you’re nowhere near like this!😃) I know you’re nowhere near this but if you don’t find a way to relax & accept then I fear you’ll drive him away. It sounds like your anxiety needs to be worked on.

In the nicest possible way, you do sound very clingy and needy!
Saying that, I do understand - you want to cling on to that 'amazing' feeling you get at the start of a relationship. It's exciting.
However, relationships do evolve and that doesn't mean he loves/ likes you any less it just moves on to different ways of expressing that love. Don't get me wrong, effort is still important on both parts but endless texts with compliments or declarations of love gets a bit tedious and disingenuous IMO
He should be putting equal effort into planning stuff though!

It's definitely the other way round in my relationship in that my OH is the lovey dovey one, I usually tell him to shut up being so soppy!
Love, for me, is the little things. Like him nipping to the shop on his way home to pick up my favourite chocolate bar, or giving my feet a rub at the end of a busy day. I'd rather have chocolate and foot rubs than him waffling on about how much he loves me 🤣

Do you have your own friends/ hobbies? Make sure you maintain your owninterests. When I was in my twenties I used to let relationships become all consuming and would do anything to make them work. Resulted in me becoming emotionally exhausted, always putting all the effort in to try and make it 'amazing' but got very little effort back!
After getting married to totally the wrong man because of this and then divorced 10 years later I realised if it's hard work then it's really not worth it!
Sounds very cliche but it's so true, live your life and enjoy doing things you enjoy, let him fit around that.

Thanks all. I think I struggle with the end of the honeymoon period!

I'm feeling exactly the same just now OP, i could've written your post.

I think I've got this issue where I associate constant contact with him thinking about me or liking me. So if he's not in contact or not complimenting me I get worried:paranoid.

It think realising we're doing it is half the battle but I swing between being logical and over thinking!

Your relationship sounds very positive and totally normal. We can't stay in La La Land forever. If you don't get a handle on your neediness it will push him away. It's not fair to dump your anxieties onto to him when he's doing nothing wrong.

You sound like hard work. That’s a sure fire way to get someone to leave you

I am the same @St0bb ! I know logically it’s silly but then when something else happens I go into panic mode again!

He seems comfortable in the relationship but you sound needy and clingy perhaps due to low self esteem.

Hmm, those are pretty much honeymoon period things.

Do you want to have sex every day? Or do you just want him to want to?

How often do you say I love you?

I don't think you should dig for compliments/I love you's. They need to come naturally.

We've been together over a decade, probably only have sex once a fortnight now due to life/work/tiredness/other commitments. It doesn't mean we don't love each other less.

I don't think he's done anything wrong, or that you have cause to be worried! However if you are feeling this way I would think twice about moving in with him. Only because once you move in together, you are likely to get even less special attention and focused one on one time - because you'll always be there on the sofa. If you're always at home he's even less likely to make a big deliberate effort for you. It does sound like he loves you and cares for you, but it sounds unlikely that the soppiness and texting and effort will continue after you move in as he will slip into his easy, comfortable, relaxed ways and more hobbies and interests (you mention he has lots of these.) If you really seriously want him to up the ante with attentiveness say no to moving in with him.

But that might be cruel, given he hasn't really done anything wrong.

He sounds great I think it's just entering this new phase.

Thanks everyone xxx

It does sound like the initial infatuation stage is settling down, and if you are moving in together that sounds like it’s serious and he is committed to you.

But I also think that, while the initial infatuation can’t stop texting and thinking of each other stage does calm down (and needs to so we can keep our balance!), that’s different to things becoming comfortable to the point where effort is not being made to do special things for each other, compliment each other, romance and all of that stuff.

Constant contact and sex every morning is not really sustainable in my view, but at the same time if you’re an expressive person and like to share compliments and I love yous, then all that tailing off can feel jarring.

It’s about balance really - do you still have date nights and this sort of thing?

He will get even more comfortable ie less texts, less planned dates, less sex when you move in together. This is how relationships become after a while. People settle in their ways. It's an effort to keep things exciting.

You need to calm the neediness down. Hopefully living together will reassure you, but be careful not to sabotage this relationship