Unattended Cremation Today

[54isanopendoor]

My Mother is being 'laid to rest' via an Unattended Cremation today.
I say today, but it could be any time in a 72 hour period around now.
My half brother booked it, & the Co won't discuss with anyone but the booker.
Her remains will be returned to him in around 3 weeks.
He says it's 'what she wanted'. Perhaps. but I also know she had a paid up (4K) Funeral Plan & when I saw her, 2 weeks before her expected death, she spoke of burial & her worries about Cremation (& God)
This will cost less than 1K. I had arranged to travel down (350miles), thinking it was a local Crematorium, but it's 200miles away from Mum's house too.
I suggested we get together for a cup of tea.
Brother is 'busy, but have a nice weekend'.
He is behaving in this way as my Mother did too.
My Mother was both neglectful & highly abusive.
I had accepted, some 20 years ago, that she was the person who birthed me, rather than being any sort of 'Mother'.
So why I am upset I cannot say.

I think maybe people in these situations are grieving the mother they never got to have, and now, never will have. The kind, loving, supportive one. I’m sorry you don’t experience that.

It sounds like he's getting through this the best way he can.

Upsetting that he's not supporting you through this as I'm guessing you had many shared experiences.

It's sad but understandable if you had an abusive and neglectful parent.

I was the one who got the neglect & abuse.
My brother was the golden one.
we had very different experiences.
right until the end.
its not completely surprising (though his lack of care for her was) but I am surprised how upsetting I am finding it.

My mum was you not too long ago.

Her brother was the golden child, she was abused and neglected her whole life by both.

She was devastated when her mum died, I think like a previous poster said, it was the realisation that she would never get the mother she deserved, and she was grieving that. I suppose in her mind, while her mum was still alive there was hope she would change and show her love.

Im sorry OP, you are allowed to be sad and grieve what you never had but should have had from your mother. Be kind to yourself x

@SophSoSo
thanks for your post.
I guess I'm struggling as cognitively I KNEW there would never be any recognition of what she'd done (& not done). She was even vile to her grandchildren at the end. She CHOSE this. Repeatedly. Deliberately.
My brother is only really carrying on her torch. So i'm not surprised at that (tho I am by how little he did for her - I would have cared more than that at the end)

So why do I feel like someone has stamped on my chest?
I already grieved over my 'Mother'.
I guess its just stirred it all up (plus the extra kickings at the end which were genuinely jawdropping). I wondered about posting on Stately HOmes but thought a new thread might be better.

I am so sorry. The realisation that your brother appears to be carrying on where your mother left off can't be pleasant.

You have my sympathy. Do post on the Stately Homes thread, they are a really great bunch who understand only too well.

thanks.
I might ask for this to be moved across there if poss?

I’m sorry

You’re grieving, I know you say you grieved years ago for the mother she wasn’t but with her death comes the extinguishing of any remaining last hope that things could be different. It’s not any easier than what you’ve had to process in the past.

It’s quite an empty and sad ending isn’t it and lacking recognition of a life really.

The process of attending a funeral can be helpful as a formal bookend to a relationship good or bad. They happen for a reason and to deny that closure to you is perhaps what is creating this feeling maybe.

Nothing to stop you going out for a coffee and cake and marking it yourself though I imagine this also, like your mothering is less than you need and deserve.

Having been excluded from a family funeral (being the scapegoat at that time) gave me similar inexplicable emptiness. In the end I decided it was quite fitting, once I again gave up any hope of the usual expectations of such a relationship 🤔

Well I went to the town I grew up in. Stayed with friends. Visited Dad with Fathers Day card & early b'day card & gifts (perhaps understandably he wasn't interested in anything other than himself, but rhen that's not 'new' either)

During my visit I discovered there HAD been a family wake / Party re Mum, with Chinese food & champagne. My children (2 of her 4 Grandchildren) & I were not invited although they knew we were there. Rotten lot, all of them.

I suppose you could say you have your answer.

The remaining family might say hahaha we have cut you out. I say they have freed you from further obligations.

I hope you're okay, these things do sting so.