Feeling so low after calling it quits

[Watchmego]

Is it normal to feel so so low after marriage break down, that I initiated? Is it normal to have doubts thinking of the good times, thinking maybe the good outweighed the bad? I feel like I regret my decision but is this all normal? I'm feeling very low , maybe I was too hasty , what about family holidays or Christmas, nothing will be the same again. For anyone that marriage ended please give me advice? Thanks in advance

I’m going through something similar. It’s only been a couple of weeks since we talked of separating.

My problem is I feel so incredibly guilty about it all. So yesterday I started writing down all the crap things he has done to remind me. I have categorised them ie times he made decisions that will affect me, but without consulting me. Ie. Decided on the date of a party we are holding, and emailing the guests, when I was sitting in the next room. Explanation “I just wanted to get on with it”

Each time I look at it, I can feel my self getting angry over it again and that helps. I remind my self this has been a marriage of a thousand cuts, and this is the result of him insisting things are done his way for years and years.

I am also visualising myself in my next home. I’m in the kitchen (it’s nothing special) looking out the back door into a sunny dishevelled garden that’s ideal for wildlife.

Thank you ,those sound like good things to do, yes I feel very guilty over it all too, thank you, hope you are OK

Oh yes, this totally resonates. It’s been a few months but we’re still living together which is miserable and he’s really dragging his heels over moving out. I feel guilty (even though like PP it is his behaviour and death by a thousand cuts) that I’m not pushing it but it’s miserable. I can’t move on.

The initial relief of “I finally did it” has given way to feeling really down about the future and being by myself possibly forever. It would be so easy to just give in and go back. I feel fat, old and tired and just fed up.

I know this probably isn’t what you want to hear but 6 months on I’m still wobbling. My head knows this was 100% the right choice but my heart is taking a long time to catch up.

What helps is to have a list of all the shitty things he did and said which I refer to when I’m feeling low. It’s also been a bit of a distraction to join an online dating site. Although I’m not sure I’m ready to meet someone new yet, just having a chat and seeing what’s out there (a lot of chaff, the occasional wheat!) gives me hope that in time I might feel like dating again.

I’m also focussing on future business ideas and new home searches to try and take my mind off the future I lost with him and onto the future I can build for myself. It’s tough, but I have to remind myself that life with him wouldn’t have been all roses either.

You can do this

Hi,
I can’t offer any advice, but I’m going through the same thing. How are you feeling today? When did you separate? DH and I have been seeing a counsellor (separately as together was a nightmare) for a couple of months. I can see he’s making changes but it doesn’t do anything to give me a spark back or want to stay. On the flip side, I feel so guilty that he’s struggling and the situation I’m creating for DC. DH has pretty much said he wants to move away if not living with us, so long distance dad for the DC. It’s not what I wanted at all, I just feel in love anymore. 😩

Of course you did the right thing and of course it will hurt for a while. I ended things with my ex (not married) after about a decade together. We had a very toxic relationship. But when we weren't caught up in the bickering and fighting we had great conversations. I miss those conversations. Sometimes I think I did the wrong thing by ending things but I think back to all the negative stuff and realize that it's worth it for my peace of mind.

It's been months and even tho sometimes I get a pang of missing him, then I realize I really just miss our conversations, so I remember all the toxicity between us. I know it's best in the end even tho sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

Hang in there it will get better.

Not sure if you have DC or what's happening with any shared property and so on. It's a huge upheaval and you need to be kind to yourself and find support from friends and family. It's going to take time but see this as a new beginning in life with many opportunities ahead of you. Concentrate on the reasons for splitting not the nostalgic memories.

It's a cliche but has some merit - keep busy and make plans.

Thanks all for the kind words and advice. Yes have a house and young dc so it's hard to see the upheaval iv brought into their lives. Still feeling quite low, but going to talk to a counsellor tomorrow. Glad to talk to others in the same boat.

@Watchmego I'm in exactly the same position as you and it's just so awful. H moved out 7 weeks ago and tonight asked if I'd consider trying again.
I am worried about money, our DD, the possibility of being alone forever etc etc. It would be so much easier to just give things another go, but I have to remember why we got to such a bad place.
I think (hope) it's normal to feel jittery and wonder if you've made the correct decision 💐.

You just need to remember why you quit. I felt exactly how you do when I initiated the end to my marriage. I knew I couldn’t live with him even though he was basically a good man, so I felt so guilty and sorry and a part of me wanted to go back, but I just knew he couldn’t give me what I really wanted.
It will take time to adjust, but just keep hold of the reason why you left.

It’s really reassuring to read this - that getting jittery and anxious about it seems a normal part of the process. Not an indication you’re doing the wrong thing. The guilt about everyone else - him (which is so ridiculous), kids, etc makes it all really difficult to stay firm. So I really needed this!

OP - I hope you had a good session with counsellor.

Thanks all, hope ye all doing ok, glad to read it's all normal to feel like this, yes I had a really good session , I feel a lot better already after one session , it's all normal to feel like this, a type of bereavement and grief in some way. All will be OK, we can do this

Don' t go back to what broke you.
Develop a new mindset, comitt to making your new life work, don' t look back. Uncertainty is scary, but better than being stuck in a dead relationship. Give yourself time to adjust, you find most women do start to learn to enjoy their new way of life after a period of adjustment, its a big change. Have faith it will all work out, it is tempting to look back on the familiar, but remember the reasons you left.

This might sound like a cheesy phrase but it's also a useful one: "what would someone who loves themselves do?"

And do that.

In this case, that course of action is to never go back to this guy and never tolerate someone who treats you badly in future.