Should I let my friend stay to escape her relationship?

[roses2]

My friend has a partner who seems mentally unstable, shouts, screams, calls her names etc. From her description of him I assume hehas some kind of depression and takes it out on her.

They've been on and off for a year. Moved in very quickly as his ex kicked him out and he went straight to her. He has no job and she pays for everything.

She won't set boundaries in place with him eg on the spending even though he's spent all her life savings. He never asks, she always offers whenever he goes to her with a problem.

Her lease was due to end this week end and she has decided to renew it for 3 months, let him stay as it's near his kids and she wants to come and stay with me as she said it's over.

Now this is my dilemma. I know she won't truly leave him until she's ready and since she's still supporting him it's not truly over. I have a spare room and when she originally told me her lease was ending and she wasn't renewing I agreed she could stay whilst she looked for somewhere new.

Last time she came to stay with me 2 weeks ago she left after 2 days to go back to him. I find it really disruptive on my life with her coming and going in the house with no notice. I have kids, it's impossible to plan dinner when she tells me she'll be back then cancels etc. Ever since I've known her she's been very unreliable, that's not new behaviour.

I don't want her to stay only to go again,come again, go again etc which knowing her she will do. I don't want to enable her enabling him .

Is saying no she can't stay the right thing for me to do even though he sounds awful (but she keeps going back for more)?

I'd be telling her to fuck him off from her house and I wouldn't be letting her move in with me!

Can see your point like. I wouldn't be happy enabling that either.

Once he's homeless you could be lumbered with both of them after a huge guilt trip.

That’s a difficult one. I’d want to help her get away from him but it doesn’t sound as though she’s ready to do that yet. I think she needs to make her own decisions about the relationship (you can’t ‘tell’ her to do anything) but you need very clear boundaries about what you’re prepared to offer, and you’d be quite reasonable to say no to her staying.

It’s a tricky one.
If you feel it’s your moral obligation as a friend to let her stay, then I think it’s also your obligation as a friend to tell her plain and simple that she needs to get out of that unhealthy relationship for good and make her stick to it.
Also, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say “yes you can stay, but I’m quite busy atm so would you mind sorting dinner for us every alternate night?”

She's going to let a mentally unstable cocklodger stay in her flat, where she is financially responsible for any damages, and continue paying the rent for 3 months? And after she dumped him? Have you pointed out how financially disastrous that may end up?

I agree that she's not ready yet if she's still planning on financially carrying him for 3 months. He's an adult ffs! You could also suggest the Freedom programme to her as her boundaries are fucked.

Is she expecting to stay with you for the full 3 months? Cos it's unlikely she'll have the deposit and rent for another flat seeing as she's given him all her savings. And even after the 3 months will she get her deposit back on the original flat?

Tell her no!. You would not be helping her by letting her stay at yours and he remains in her flat!. She needs to sort out the situation!. He will not leave after the 3 months as he will be used to having her flat and ahe will still be liable for the rent!. Dont enable her to ruin her life more .

Sounds like a form of domestic violence to me.

No, she's not ready. Also it's disrupting your life. Leave her to it. She'll only end up bringing him back to your home often, and you'll be stressed and even more involved. Stay out of it but be prepared to help, when that phone call happens.

He will not leave after three months, and then what?

I wouldn’t do it.

No, you are enabling the pair of them and their dysfunctional relationship.
If she doesn’t want to live with him she has another option

I wouldn't be letting her stay. She won't see it for what it is (BIG support, a chance to escape), she doesn't appreciate it as she messed you about. All it would achieve is to expand the circle of drama with them as lead characters and you as a supporting role. Probably also make it take even longer for her to realise there is no road forward in this relationship
Don't do it.

No way would I let this happen. Your home should be your (and your children's) sanctuary. Do not let this drama in!

Thanks all, you've all confirmed the what I'm feeling is ok. It's her choice to make his problems her problems and it's my choice not to make it my problem!

I'll let her know she's welcome to stay once she's ready to let go for good but not whilst she's still supporting him as her coming and going is too disruptive on me.

Good decision.

Your children deserve more than this drama in their home and this woman using it as a drop in place.

Absolutely not.

She needs to make decisions.

Don't be used as a crutch for her relationship.

If she has nowhere to go then she can never leave him. Domestic abuse victims try to leave many times before they eventually do. I can't remember the statistic.

I would say the room is always there, but wouldn't fanny about with dinner etc. She looks after herself, but the space is there.

Isn't she a little annoyed he's spent her life savings. Have you tried saying he's a useless cocklodger.

Renewing her lease for him to stay in the rental is a very big risk in this situation. She will be liable for the rent and any dilapidations and if he kicks off causing damage or refuses to leave it will open a whole other world of pain.

As others have said, not your circus not your monkeys.

Nope. Not if she is extending the lease. She needs to end the lease and the relationship.

No way would I let someone so dysfunctional stay in my house when I have kids.
Sorry.

I absolutely wouldn't let her move in, you could end up with both of them living with you. You need to put your own family and children first.

Thanks all, it is pretty unanimous. I have no intention of letting her stay with me whilst this guy is still in her life. Apparently it's such an intense relationship no one in the whole world had been through what she has 🙄 (even though there are books written about this and I've bought her one).

Of course I've told her my thoughts about what a useless cocklodger is. So has everyone else in her life. She's just not willing to listen.

Letting her stay just enables her to not properly sort her situation. It’s a temporary escape and she will use your generosity as a crutch.

You can not help someone who won’t help themselves.