I cant stop thinking about it!

[mrsdecea]

Hi lovely ladies,
I married and I have a child. Its been more then 15 years and I still think about my x boyfriend. I dont want to remember him I always feel so quilty so sad. Every single year I try to forget his birthday his mums dad birthday etc etc... But I can not! I loved him a lot, we were so soul mate. Our hobbies were exactly the same. We used to cook together, go to gym together, listen same music, travel a lot, studying and helping each other. We had to broke up because me and my parents moved away from the country ( I had to move because my mom was ill).
And he coudnt come because he was studing and had no money to study in other country.
We had no whatsapp that times, he used to call or email me so often. He rung and told me that he slept with a girl and girl is pregnant. He was crying he was saying she wasnt his girlfriend, he was asking what he would do etc.. I said go and get married. And yes he did. After that day I changed my number, my email closed my MSN account (who remember that:)
I am married for 9 years now. My husband loves me actually but we so different. He reads alot, he doesnt like sport, travel or spending time outside. He has done phd and he is a teacher at uni so he is so busy at home with checking the projects or making the slides.
I studied performing arts and my x boyfriend as well.
5 years ago i opened instagram account and he send dm.. he said 'I still think about you, everyday, every morning, every evening. I am married, I have a child but I am incomplete'. It may sound strange, weird but I was feeling the same. But I didnt reply him. I can not. I just checked his account. Every year on my birthday he posted a sun. He used to call me sunshine.
I know it is so sillly, stupid and I hate to be in that situation and I know you will tell me to stop thinking about him because we are both married but trust me I am trying every day! If he come and tell me he wants to be with me know I tell him he needs to go back to his family.... I dont want to make my or his family sad. Yes we are both not truely happy with our relationship but this is not our families fault.
I was told that his wife is also so academic, serious but good women. I can also describe my husband like that so they dont deserve to sad, arent they!
Now, please tell me how stupid I am and what I should to forget x

Personally I think you only get one life. If you aren’t that committed to your partner then you are doing them a disservice. They won’t be truly happy if you aren’t.

Are you happy?

Oh OP, I really feel for you.
I think many of us have a ‘what if’ person. It’s a daydream that can take over if you give it the headspace and if you aren’t happy with your current day to day life and/or partner.

If you really want to try to forget about him, stop checking his social media and block him. I know that it can be like a drug when you keep checking and keep hoping/wishing things were different.

Whenever you feel like taking a peek do something. Put your phone down and walk away from it. Exercise, do your hobby, start cleaning. Anything until your mind fills with something else.

And OP if you aren’t happy in your relationship, maybe it’s time to have a chat with your husband and see if you can improve things?
Or if it comes to a dead end, ask yourself if you would be happier leaving the relationship? Don’t take your ex into account if this is the road you take for he has his own family now…

You are not stupid.
Nothing and nobody in the world can take away your memories, they are yours.
Nothing and nobody can turn the clock back either.

Try and focus on the good things that you have in your life now. You are both lucky to have found good partners, try and focus on here and now and the future with them.

I think life is too short for regrets, obviously if you both still feel the same way about each other do the right thing and end your marriages in a kind and respectful way before getting back together

@Threetulips No, I am not making them disservice. I am so positive so active women my husband loves me in that way. He always says that he can not do anything without me. Because he has really stressful job and I always motivate him. He loves my energy. I can not say I am sad. We have 3 houses in with little mortgages. We so have more than £300k saving but my husband still think about the career and savings. Its good to be responsible and care about the family, future etc but We live only once. I still respect him and love him but definitely we think so different

Oh love. That is hard. Been there (not married though) and never had the guts to pursue it. I want to say have a chat with him on the phone or do a video call and take it from there but please be respectful/mindful of your partners.

@MissSmiley @Neveranynamesleft @Youcansaythatagainandagain thank you so much for you responses. Seriously its means a lot 🙏🏻💕

You're both being incredibly disloyal and unfair on your partners.

You can't have it both ways. You can't test out your connection with this guy, while you're still married, to see if you want to have 'just' an emotional fair or to also leave your husband for him.

If you're that unhappy with your husband that you don't want to be married to him anymore, which you clearly don't, then you should leave him for everyone's sake.

Anything else is so disrespectful and it sounds like you're with him for the lifestyle he offers rather than because you love him.

Don't you think it would break his heart to know that? Doesn't he have the right to know you want to leave so that he can find someone who genuinely wants to be with him and isn't there for another reason?

You can spend your life pining after someone without the guilt of also being married and with the potential to explore a relationship with that person OR you can spend the rest of your life pining after someone and cheating on your husband.

The person you're pining after isn't that great if they're messaging other women telling them he doesn't want to be with his wife but not having the balls to end things so she can lll make an informed decision about who she spends the rest of her life with.

@EmmiJay thank you so much for your respond but... my husband, his wife doesn’t deserve that. I dont want to confuse him - hedoesnt even know about my feelings.. nobody knows. Even if i tell him i feel that i am cheating on my husband:( and i hate myshelf again and again

Hi op, what age did you get together with your ex and how long were you together for?

You are human, don't beat yourself up over your feelings.

@wellhelloitsme thank you so much for your comment but no-one is pipping to each other. I didnt open this tread to ask what I should do. He belongs there so I dont want him back!
I just can not talk to somebody about this matter. I just want to see if i am the only one in this position and what i should do to forget about him. I didnt love a married man and I wasnt married when I loved him.

@Skynightsky 18 till 22. He was my first boyfriend. In that time I was thinking that feelings will go away after some time. We didn’t have sex for example. I didn’t want before marriage and he was so respectful.
After him i didnt have any boyfriend, only my husband x

I think people always have feelings for their first love (if it was a positive relationship) For you, he feels like the one who got away/ what if person. You’re longing for that time back when you were carefree, having fun and just relaxed.
I don’t see anything wrong with you caring/ having feelings for him but if you’re unhappy in your marriage and it’s making you miss the ex then you need to do something about it. If you’re happy then I think maybe you need to trh distance yourself from him. Remove his so social media, when you find yourself thinking of him then try do something like to a walk to try distract yourself. You say you have nothing in common with your husband but at some point you really wanted to marry him and be with him so try remind yourself what it is about him that you loved so much.

If you were not married I would say that life is short, go and get the man that you want. However you took a vow, in my eyes that cannot be broken and certainly not because you changed your mind.

Of course vows can be broken. How do you think divorce happens?

You only live once. Sometimes you can't help circumstances.

I really feel for you. Thst must have been a horrible phone call to receive all those years ago.

I think one thing to bear in mind is that you don't actually really know this guy as he is now. A carefree 22 year old student is not the same person as the 30 something husband and father he now is.

You sound a lovely positive person and are being honourable towards your husband in not wanting to get involved further.

What would you ideally like for your personal life here? I mean, would you like to move on from your ex completely? Therapy could help with that, you have the means. Are you feeling fulfilled with your husband regardless of this man from your past?

I think the key here is to work out what you want and then plan how to go about it. I don't actually get the impression that what you want is your ex back. If not, maybe cutting out the contact will help?

If of course you just want and outlet and to discuss your feelings then do so here to your heart's content.

Hi I’m in a similar situation. But it wasn’t a long term situation and we were young. But I knew with him it was different. I have never had a first date, butterflies, laughed or found another person that got me like he did. I’m married but things haven’t been great the last couple of years.
He messaged me. I haven’t been able to get him out of my head. That was a year ago. I bumped into him 6 months ago. He told me of his regret but I didn’t do the same. Our lives went in different directions and I felt like I need to do the right thing by my family. He has been In trouble at times and I felt he needs to work out more who he is. I don’t know what the answer is maybe one day if situations change for now I guess it’s best to live your life. He can be a lovely memory that you were lucky to have. X

I would like to thanks everyone. Seriously I feel much better now. It was really hard before because I had nobody to talk about this but now I am at least more relax. Its good idea to block his social accounts because he put the date we met in roman letters in his bio. I dont want to see it. I dont reply on his messages but still I dont want to see it. And maybe he will understand that their is no hope for us. I want him to be happy with his family. I feel so sad when ı see his bio. I put myself in his wife position - its just not right. I do believe what you give is what you get in this life. Maybe I should even text him to not act like that but even for that reason I dont feel ok to text text him.

I think your instincts are honourable and you are doing the right thing in blocking him. He might have been wonderful company when you were young but a man of good character doesn’t have the date he met his ex girlfriend listed as part of his social bios, that’s so weird and disrespectful to his wife. It sounds like he’s living in the past and romanticising that time of his life and would not be a good bet as a grown-up husband. If your current man is a good man, be happy with what you have.

I agree with reader12 obviously it's sad that you never got to explore the full potential of your happy first relationship but his behaviour now isn't indicative of the perfect man.

@mrsdecea I think you are talking about my husband. When is your birthday?