Crippling Loneliness

[CripplingLoneliness]

I'm not sure of this is the right board to seek advice but can anyone empathise or give advice on how to cope when feeling unbearably lonely and just complete lack of human touch (apart from the DC)?

My DC are primary school aged, there's a very strained relationship with their dad who sees them on his terms but he basically can't/won't take them overnight meaning they're with me pretty much all the time. It's an issue that's ongoing and if I force it he abandons the DC completely.

I don't have any family and friendships have drifted over the years. My current, fairly superficial friends, are mums of my DC's friends.

I am so lonely. I spend every evening on my own. Pretty much every weekend either with the kids or on my own, depending on what DC's dad has decided to do with them.

Finances are pretty tight so I can't justify going anywhere to meet people and I'd always have my DC's with me.

Apart from mum and employee I'm nothing to nobody. I genuinely don't think anyone would notice if I dropped dead or disappeared apart from my DC. I don't know who I am anymore.

I'd love a relationship where I'm acknowledged, loved, hugged. Where I'm not invisible apart from when someone needs something.

How can I make peace with the fact that this is likely to be my life now? Until my DC are older anyway.

Thank you for reading.

I hear you op. If you search this board you’ll find lots of posts on loneliness.

it’s awful I know. been there and still am sometimes.

are there any groups eg Gingerbread for single parents near you? It is very hard when kids are little.

Hi OP - sorry I don't have much good advice, just didn't want to read and run as they say (think that's the first time I've said that). I haven't made any new friends in years! Just lucky to have been able to keep in touch with people I mostly met in uni. Would it be possible to reach out to some of the friendships you say have drifted? It's tough with small children not to just make superficial mum friends. What kind of interests did you have before having children?

OP as you can see from my username, I empathise. I'm 10 years ahead of you in that my DS is an adult now, but I can totally relate to the loneliness of no family and single parenthood. Things are better for me now than they were then but I still have periods of crippling loneliness. One good thing that has come out of Covid is that there are lots more social activities that happen online now. I would look into virtual Meetups in areas of interest that you can join once your DC are asleep.

Hang in there. I know how hard it is but it does improve.

Hi op, you need some hobbies or refocus on building a business or something from home, something you can do in spare time but fun to focus on, hopefully to bring more money and eventually freedom and also have fun then you will notice less the loneliness. Plan your days out with dcs, even walks each day or something. Volunteering (with dcs in tow) to book something each weekend. You basically have to reframe it as "I have all this time on my hands, how else can I use it". Exercise, walking with kids. Maybe a pet? Find a hobby or start an online business. When you refocus the rest will follow. (Lp in similar situation). Also book a cheap weekend away to look forward to if you can find a little cash. X

OP, would you consider attending a church, presuming you have been brought up in the Christian tradition? You can attend several church services in your area, until you find a fellowship where you feel comfortable and welcomed. You will not get on with everyone, but I'm sure you will find people you can connect with and have things in common with. In addition to weekly Worship, there are also church activities like walking groups, craft groups,"messy church" sessions for children, etc. Please look up church meetings in your area, you may not like the first one, but visit others. Best wishes !

Bless you op
Bring a single can be tough and lonely at times. I put an advert up on my local FB page asking if anyone would like to do the c25k with me, I ran with a lady 3 times a week for 4 months and really enjoyed the company, felt much less alone and I lost lots of weight and tonnes up... best thing I've done for a while tbh

Have a look at the Frolo app - single parents, nice community, lots of meet ups arranged or easy to start your own so you can meet some people near you. I think it has to start with making sure you’ve got friends around you, then maybe swap some babysitting favours so you can get out more and find what you enjoy doing. I haven’t sussed it yet but think being content on your own first leads to either a stronger relationship or not being so bothered about finding one!

Hi OP - i don’t have any amazing advice - but just want to let you know a stranger here on the internet hears you and wishes the best for you!

I feel the same only my kids dad isn’t involved at all so no time off so can’t even date or meet anyone new, it’s so isolating.

Unfortunately all of my old friends have moved away and have their own lives with husbands, kids and seemingly perfect lives. I'm so far removed from them all. Its been so long and too much water has passed.

I didn't have the best childhood, think stately homes, so I find relationships difficult at the best of times.

I'm not sure I can remember life before kids and a toxic relationship with DC's dad. It's been so long.

Thank you. It probably sounds like an excuse but online or virtual meet ups seem so alien to me.

I can generally be ok in my own company but I'm increasingly wanting some human interaction, a hug, a kind word that I just don't think I could get online

I'm not from a Christian background. Religion isn't something that brings me any peace but thank you for taking the time to read and respond

Thank you, that made me cry, its the nicest sentiment I've had for a long time x

Thank you for all of your replies, at the very least it's shown me I'm not entirely invisible.

My DC's are quite active so have clubs in most evenings and every weekend so it's nit until they go to bed normally that my loneliness really ramps up.
School holidays and celebrations (Christmas, New Year etc) are when I struggle the most as they're 'family time' and I'd like to have someone to share the load with.

I've spent the last 4 Christmas' alone as DC's go to their dads and see grandparents and cousins and extended family and I can't expect them to just spend the day with me as I know they'll not enjoy it nearly as much.

I love my DC's with every fibre of my being and will always put their happiness and wellbeing first but I just feel so trapped with it all with no end in sight.

This*
Is one of the loveliest things I have read on her🙂

I can be your friend.

I'm really sorry to hear that. It sounds really difficult. Have you got a local Facebook group? A few people in mine reach out for friends on there. As someone else upthread said Gingerbread might able to help too. Wishing you the best.

what region are you in OP?

Hugs to you op. Its hard going. Have you met any parents through school kids. Just thought that might help. I find some weeks lonely people slow to commit since covid or keep friendship going.

You need to be proactive -old friends is a good idea and although you say there is too much water under the bridge, unless you have fallen out, I think reconnecting can work. maybe it won’t but it’s worth a try.

I would take up a hobby that involves other people and at least that keeps you busy then and even if you don’t make friends it’s human contact.

How about some voluntary work? I have met a couple of really nice local friends through volunteering. If it’s something you feel passionate about then it’s great. I have a friend that volunteers on a steam railway, another that works for an immigration charity and I used to volunteer for a food project.

You do sound quite down, sorry your feeling low.

Hi OP, no amazing advice here either but lots of empathy, am in a very similar situation to you with youngish DC and a useless man child ex, and it really is so isolating and lonely at times. Like you I have school mum friends but it does feel fairly superficial and at weekends they’re usually doing stuff with their own families/partners. Christmas is very difficult, and as hard as I try to make it fun for the kids, it still seems to feel a bit empty and sad.

What I do find is that I go in and out of phases of either dealing with it ok - eating healthily, making sure I get some exercise in, making the odd social arrangement etc etc - to basically not coping v well at all i.e drinking too much on my own, eating crap, mindlessly scrolling the internet and generally feeling a bit despairing…. it seems to be one or the other. I’ve tried being more resigned to things recently - not easy! - and sort of accepting the situation for now at least, trying to relax about it and not feel too hard done by. I do avoid social media, and try if I can to do small things I like, even if that just means cooking something nice or sorting out my make-up so it’s organised better. I also think of the couples I know who are miserable, which isn’t very nice of me but still. Sorry, I know that this all sounds lame and not helpful.

No answers op but you are not alone. I have a few friends I meet occasionally for a coffee and only male family members (who don't live close by).

I am experiencing an awful sense of loneliness and even admitting it feels shameful (I am in a relationship but it is not working and I have young dc plus a teen). I am struggling to find the words to tell friends because it feels as if it something I should resolve and not burden anyone else with. Struggling at the moment too as a friend is moving away (and I don't have too many friends).

I have worked on myself a bit over recent months and I'm developing a hobby into a small on-line business and I find that really absorbing and gives me something to focus my evenings on (I think another poster suggested this up-thread). Later in the year I plan to join a walking group and do some volunteering - I think it will help me to have something else to focus on 'a cause' I suppose and bring me into contact with more people. The hardest part is taking the first steps especially because I am fairly introverted and experience anxiety.

I am also saving to return to therapy (it won't be weekly due to cost) but I feel like I would benefit from having this kind of reliable base. I appreciate this is costly though and may not be something you can access. In that 50 minutes, I feel I can be myself and have a concentrated listening ear when in life, I often don't feel heard or seen (a pattern from childhood). The biggest thing I've done in this respect is be kind to my inner child this has taken away some degree of the loneliness because I have me by my side. I can talk to myself in a kind way when no-one else seems to and nurture myself. This is still work in progress and part of the reason I want to return to therapy.

As for human touch, this is tricky. Don't laugh but I invested in a heated rug last Autumn. I find it a huge comfort to crawl under my rug and feel the warmth it radiates. I guess massage is another way to go (again involves money). A lot of people own a dog - I think this would be lovely but doesn't currently fit in with my lifestyle but definitely something I would consider for the future. Maybe others connect with their bodies through excercise such as swimming. There is no easy fix to this is there just things that might ease it.

I'm watching your thread with interest op. It is a big problem and not one easily talked about by many.

Ditto. I am online or in my kitchen or gardening. I have a 90 something year old neighbour whom I once in a blue moon go over to see for a chat.

I know people...they post daily on Thier WhatsApp status with thier friends going to dinners, bars etc

Apart from my own kids I don't even have a person to go to the cinema with.

Men I've dated always had full social lives so pushed me to the side to see mates and it often made me feel more unspecial.

I'm not white nor from here and have been here most of my life in the UK. Apart from neighbour/dates ...a white person hasn't invited me to thier home for a cuppa for over 15,years.

It's damn lonely. So if you are white at least you get invites.
Also most men won't invite me to meet Thier family obviously because I'm not white and afraid of Thier families. One man told me his mum was EXTRA racist.