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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Contact with abusive ex

10 replies

Buzlightyear1 · 31/05/2022 20:23

Hi I'm really struggling tonight, I broke up with my ex 3 years ago , we have a child who is now 5. He used to inject drugs in front of him and was abusive towards me.

I started to get help from a place to get supervised contact sorted fir my son as I have been suppeevising and no longer feel able to. My ex doesn't know I've started this, I'm terrified about him finding out.

Hes also just messaged to see our son this half term. I've told him our son is booked in to a sports club and has friends play dates set. As I really can't face seeing him I'm having nightmares every night from what he did.

I just feel such a mess and don't know what to do. I feel like I should either cancle the help and carry on or run away with my son.

OP posts:
Redruby2020 · 31/05/2022 20:30

No don't do that, as in run away etc. Continue getting help and support to have properly arranged contact, making it safe for your child and removing you from having to be put in that situation.

Do you or have you had any contact with those who deal with DV etc. They can be a great help even when you are no longer directly involved with that person any more.

Original poster
Buzlightyear1 · 31/05/2022 21:32

Thank you I know its a bad idea really im just at breaking point.

I'm just waiting on my first appointment with a case worker from a place that help with dv. Its not until the 13th though so really stressed out with it all and pretty terrified.

OP posts:
Redruby2020 · 01/06/2022 14:01

Buzlightyear1 · 31/05/2022 21:32

Thank you I know its a bad idea really im just at breaking point.

I'm just waiting on my first appointment with a case worker from a place that help with dv. Its not until the 13th though so really stressed out with it all and pretty terrified.

I can imagine how you feel, everyone who has been through it had their own individual circumstances but can relate. 13th is not too far away, then at least you can start the ball rolling!

BlueJ4 · 01/06/2022 15:25

I am so sorry you went through this and so glad you were able to find the strength to get away to raise your son. You are so strong and amazing Mama! Please make sure you also take time to focus on your needs and take care of your mental health due to what you have been through. It sounds like you are understandably dealing with residual trauma from the abuse and completely in the right for feeling some of the fear you are experiencing. The stronger you become, the more you will be able to look at the situation with a view of confidence and believe in the power you have to make the right decisions. It is definitely a tough spot to be in - but Mama you can do this! Take each day one step at a time. Remember how strong and powerful you are. Abusers are very adept at making us feel weak and powerless and feed off of it. Remember you have everything it takes to stand up for yourself and for your son, and you don’t have to run. You are strong, capable, and worthy of love. Take time for you to heal and gain your power back. Much love to you and your sweet son.

Original poster
Buzlightyear1 · 01/06/2022 16:25

Thank you so much. Really appreciate it, I've felt sick all day as he said hes calling at 7pm tonight to speak to our son. I know I will get either had a go at or he will bad mouth me to our son. You guys are right I need to do this. It just feels so much easier to hide away right now.

OP posts:
BlueJ4 · 01/06/2022 18:40

Do you have a support system you can reach out to?

Cherrysoup · 01/06/2022 19:25

Tell him to organise supervised contact himself. You can take your ds there but not have to see him.

Original poster
Buzlightyear1 · 01/06/2022 19:53

I have a really good friend who is helping me. She actually just came round to check we r ok so I feel a lot better after a quick chat with her. I'm scared to tell him to organise his own supervised contact due to his unpredictable behaviour. He has done some really scary and dangerous things in the past.

OP posts:
Redruby2020 · 01/06/2022 22:00

BlueJ4 · 01/06/2022 15:25

I am so sorry you went through this and so glad you were able to find the strength to get away to raise your son. You are so strong and amazing Mama! Please make sure you also take time to focus on your needs and take care of your mental health due to what you have been through. It sounds like you are understandably dealing with residual trauma from the abuse and completely in the right for feeling some of the fear you are experiencing. The stronger you become, the more you will be able to look at the situation with a view of confidence and believe in the power you have to make the right decisions. It is definitely a tough spot to be in - but Mama you can do this! Take each day one step at a time. Remember how strong and powerful you are. Abusers are very adept at making us feel weak and powerless and feed off of it. Remember you have everything it takes to stand up for yourself and for your son, and you don’t have to run. You are strong, capable, and worthy of love. Take time for you to heal and gain your power back. Much love to you and your sweet son.

👏 Very well said!

Redruby2020 · 01/06/2022 22:05

Cherrysoup · 01/06/2022 19:25

Tell him to organise supervised contact himself. You can take your ds there but not have to see him.

Yeah to be fair, OP's response to your idea I totally agree with. Abusers are unpredictable she knows him best. I have been guilty of it myself discussing too much info with my now ex, at the time and after separation, they are not your friend. It is easy to feel like you have to tell them things or for them to push for things, it's just getting over some of the hurdles sometimes, where his reaction might not change, but your actions can. You don't even have to take the call, sorry I'm not sure if he knows where you live? But if he does and he turns up uninvited or gets abusive (I wouldn't answer the door) call the police seriously!
He won't take this on board, but as a Social Worker once said, 'the parent has responsibilities' when it came to the ex talking about his so called 'rights' and it is the child's 'right' to have if possible, both parents and to see them, not the other way around, one thing I did actually agree with lol.

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