Toxic sister?

[kittykat818]

Hi, I know this might not be the right thread but I am struggling big time. I have always had a very strained relationship with my older sister, she has her own mental problems and I feel like a lot of our issues stem from that. A lot of the arguments arise from her thinking I don't prioritise her, when I was younger she saw my friends as the issue, now it's my boyfriend. My sister would constantly make me feel guilt for seeing friends or doing the usual things a teenager would saying I am selfish and even evil. She has thrown tea or me, ripped up my clothes, thrown my stuff in the bin etc which I know is wrong and I have never done this to anyone. It was my dads birthday on Sunday and he invited my partner to come to the house, I told my partner to come after lunch so we could have some time as just a family to please my sister but she still kicked off and it ended with her screaming in my face. A big issue is she doesn't think we see each other enough, I think once a week is normal for people who don't live together considering we speak everyday but she has told me it's not good enough and that her friends see their siblings all the time and she is jealous of them and wishes she had a better sister. When I am with her I am anxious and stressed so I try to limit seeing each other one on one and try to plan family gatherings. She has told me she doesn't want a 'casual and surface level relationship with me' and that I need to put in more effort or she will simply cut me off. I know this is very toxic and unfair but I still feel guilt and stress and hate arguing but I am reaching the end of my tether. What would you do if you were me?

I get the feeling you’ll never do anything right, so it’s best to put a little distance between you, it might give her time to think. What do your parents do about her behaviour towards you?

My parents agree it is totally wrong but she also has out bursts at them so they don't like to get involved. A common theme when they have tried to intervene is her saying they favour me and that they must be the reason she has bad mental health. They have offered to pay for therapy etc despite her being 33 and earning more than both of them.

She's bullying you. Distance I'm afraid is needed and boundaries. Short term pain for long term gain.

I’m sorry you’re in the middle of this. We had the same with my si, we reduced contact, then eventually when she didn’t get what she wanted she cut contact completely. Tbh life is much calmer now, we’re not waiting for the next set of accusations etc…… pil used to try to push us together but gave up eventually, they were accused of all sorts of favouritism too.

Sil

Totally not normal, my DSis and I have a great relationship but we probably only speak a couple of times a week and maybe see each other twice a month or so. I know that she is there if I need her and the same for her.

Your DSis is bullying you and your parents and at 33 sounds like she needs to get herself some therapy.

I agree with pp distance and boundaries are needed. Sound like she may have some sort of personality disorder perhaps?

Boundaries! She’s stomping all over yours. Why do you have to speak every day? What on earth do you have to talk about?! It’s completely toxic, you’re right. I’d tell her that you’re not her support pet, you won’t be guilted into being at her beck and call. And if she can’t be nice/respectful/civil to my friends/partner, then I don’t want her in my life. That’s what I would say - she’s using her mental health issues to bully you, and that’s not acceptable.

@kittykat818 hi OP, sorry for posting on an old thread. Felt I had to, as I could have (and have) written similar tbh. Feel free to message me, our situations sound like carbon copied from what you’ve written and it is exhausting being made to feel like you’re the absent sibling.