I have name changed for this because I am utterly ashamed and scared he will somehow see it.
I believe I am in an abusive relationship I'll try to summarize the things that I have been dealing with but it will be long and I honestly think it'll sound like I've made it up.
Together for 12 years, with a 6 month break when he cheated and left me for another woman and I stupidly did the pick me dance. I felt like I had won when he came back because I am stupid. Things were certainly not perfect before this but I did have periods of feeling happy in this time and did genuinely believe that he cared for me. Not anymore.
He regularly watches porn and uses video chat rooms. If I get out of bed whilst he is doing this he will scream at me until I retreat back to the bedroom. He purchases several sex toys and now has a wardrobe full of woman's clothing, he uses both of these on his video chat rooms, I have seen the recordings on his phone. He refuses to talk about any of this stuff at all and just screams at me to shut up whenever I try and stand up for myself.
He disappears for hours on end and comes back wearing a cock ring and again refuses to discuss any of this and screams at me to shut up. I have caught him sneaking sex toys back into the house too.
Last year I found a missed call on his phone which transpired to be a local cheap prostitute. I have had an STI test but will definitely be arranging another one.
He has become increasingly more violent and punched, kicked, bitten me, smashes and thrown things at me and threatened me with a knife when I have tried to make him leave or stand up for myself although I have never been seriously injured yet. Regularly tells me how fat,lazy, ugly and useless I am and that I have nobody and should just kill myself. This can be over a huge fight or something as simple as me asking what time he will come back.
In amongst all of this we have never had a holiday, I can count on one hand the amount of times we've been on a date or a night out. I know amongst all this I shouldn't want to do anything with him and I don't anymore, but it's something I have begged for over the years.
He hated all my friends and family and has gradually managed to cut them out of my life, which I never noticed at the time. It's been years since I seen or spoke to my family and my friends lost interest long ago. He knows I have nobody I can turn to for advice or anything and I feel like his behaviour has gotten worse because of that. He point blank refuses to do anything at all around the house, even cleaning the toilet after himself or taking his plate to the kitchen after eating. Again he will not discuss any of this with me and just tells me to shut up. There are periods of normality where he says he loves me and things are Ok, well not OK but where he isn't being obviously vile.
We are both mid 30's have no children , rent our home which is in my name. We both work full-time although I pay all the bills so I always have no money, haven't had a haircut or new clothes in years while he spends hundreds on himself a month.
I want to get him out, I want to break this cycle but I don't know how to. It's difficult to explain but
I don't feel sane anymore, I feel like I can't function or make decisions and I have gotten very good at blocking things out or minimizing them. I feel almost as though I am in a trance all the time and like I've detached myself completely as though this isn't really my life. That sounds bizarre but it is how I feel. I am utterly ashamed of myself and fed up of spending my life walking on eggshells.
I have recently had some health problems which are directly related to stress and have been on anti depressants for many years. I feel numb all the time, I don't feel sad or angry anymore, I feel he doesn't do this stuff to hurt me, he doesn't care whether he hurts me, I mean nothing to him. But there's another part that feels he is punishing me for ruining his relationship when he left. I just feel so empty and numb, and so deeply ashamed of how my life has turned out.
I truly believed this man loved me for many years he treated me so well but there were always small issues but now it's just a mess and I'm too weak to stand up for myself and I don't know where to go from here. I can't remember the last time I felt even a little bit of happiness.
I just don't know how things have gotten to this stage, it doesn't feel real. I've never written it all out before and like I say have become very good at detaching myself. If you've stayed and read this long then thank you. I expect there won't be many who can understand why I'm still allowing this, quite frankly I don't know either I feel so trapped and alone even though I know I am in charge of my own life. Sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes I just needed to get it all out.