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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Self esteem gone?!

5 replies

Namechanged454 · 31/05/2022 16:55

Hi, this might sound stupid but I'm in the most amazing relationship with literally the man of my dreams... however I can't seem to switch off my overthinking that's telling me I'm not good enough for him. I've always (as far back as my early teens) suffered with my image - always put myself down and not liked myself. I finally got out of an emotionally abusive marriage nearly two years ago, and I've now found a man who is more than I could've asked for. He's nice, kind, funny, thoughtful, emotionally available, generous....and very handsome. We've been together over a year now, but I still can't help but feel triggered by how attractive he is?! It sounds so stupid. My friends, family, work colleagues etc all comment on how good looking he is (which at first I loved) but now I can't help but let my mind wonder why on earth he's settled for someone like me. Someone at work once asked me how I managed to pull him and that plays on my mind even though it's said in jest. I find myself apologizing to him constantly for how I look day to day (working mum so it's usually no makeup and hair up) and he always tells me he is just as attracted to me on these days as I am when I'm dressed up...but why can't I believe him?! I know our relationship is strong, I know we are so much more than what we look like..we laugh constantly, we cry together, we never argue, I know I'm his everything. But why doesn't that stop me from convincing myself that one day he will realize he can do SO much better than a plain Jane like me!?? I had therapy after my marriage, and that touched on my confidence but I don't find it's actually helped? Nothing seems to make me like what I see in the mirror...

OP posts:
Namechanged454 · 31/05/2022 16:56

Apologies - I did paragraph my post but it seems they've all merged together 🙄

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 31/05/2022 17:16

I find myself apologizing to him constantly for how I look day to day

You've got to stop doing this OP, it will get really wearing for him.

You said you had therapy after your abusive marriage, which is great. Did the therapist help you develop any techniques or habits to stop negative self-talk and build your self esteem? Talking about abusers and how they've damaged your self esteem is necessary and a great relief, but it's equally important to take ACTION to rebuild yourself.

Namechanged454 · 31/05/2022 17:29

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 31/05/2022 17:16

I find myself apologizing to him constantly for how I look day to day

You've got to stop doing this OP, it will get really wearing for him.

You said you had therapy after your abusive marriage, which is great. Did the therapist help you develop any techniques or habits to stop negative self-talk and build your self esteem? Talking about abusers and how they've damaged your self esteem is necessary and a great relief, but it's equally important to take ACTION to rebuild yourself.

Thank you, I know it must get wearing for him. He is amazing though and constantly reassures / compliments me when I'm having these wobbles.. but he has no idea I don't think how deep the issues actually are for me. No the therapist didn't really help with that - at the time, I'd moved to get away from my exH which meant losing my job..no local friends so I think at the time my aim was to build self esteem and confidence through getting out there and building my life again...which I did - I now have a job I love, local friends as well as regularly seeing my old friends. It just seems to be my confidence surrounding my body image at the moment. She helped alot with how I view myself personality wise, and I still have wobbles but feel alot more confident in who I am as a person...just not who's in the mirror!

OP posts:
5128gap · 31/05/2022 17:56

Firstly, I can guarantee you're not a plain Jane if you've attracted this good looking man, given initial attraction for men is very visual. If he hadn't have found you physically desirable he wouldn't have started a relationship with you, you'd be his friend.
As for suddenly realising he could do better, well it doesn't work like that, because typically the closer you get to person the more attractive you find them, until eventually you get to a point where looks don't matter as much anyway, many years down the line.
There's never going to be a guarantee that anyone will stay with you forever. People do go off with other people sometimes. But the reasons this happens are much more nuanced than just spotting someone prettier.
Your relationship sounds great. Work on these thoughts so you don't self sabotage.

Namechanged454 · 01/06/2022 17:43

5128gap · 31/05/2022 17:56

Firstly, I can guarantee you're not a plain Jane if you've attracted this good looking man, given initial attraction for men is very visual. If he hadn't have found you physically desirable he wouldn't have started a relationship with you, you'd be his friend.
As for suddenly realising he could do better, well it doesn't work like that, because typically the closer you get to person the more attractive you find them, until eventually you get to a point where looks don't matter as much anyway, many years down the line.
There's never going to be a guarantee that anyone will stay with you forever. People do go off with other people sometimes. But the reasons this happens are much more nuanced than just spotting someone prettier.
Your relationship sounds great. Work on these thoughts so you don't self sabotage.

Thank you for your reply, I know everything you say is logical. I also know stunning people get cheated on, so it's not all about looks...but that doesn't stop my mind telling me I'm not good enough! It's funny you mention self sabotaging, as I've found myself googling that previously as I was worried I was doing just that.

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