Final push

[Flowersinbowls]

After a lot of therapy and a nervous breakdown, I called time on my marriage a few months ago, after years of severe emotional/psychological abuse, and some physical too. We’ve got kids and are now looking at the practicalities— it’ll be tough financially, I’ll have to uproot the kids.

The marriage was awful, but I am starting to fear the real break and have doubts. Maybe it wasn’t that bad? Maybe I am selfish to break things up over my own comfort/happiness/emotional safety? It’s almost like the less he’s been there the more I doubt myself.

The pull of for example a ‘family day out’ is so enticing, even though I know in reality we were always on edge and it was awful.

Can anyone give me a shove in the right direction?

Write a list of ' cons of being married to ..' and when you falter read it repeatedly. You can do this !

It's completely normal to feel that way. You've been in the relationship a long time, and awful as it may have been, it's what you know.

What you're experiencing is uncertainty and a fear on the unknown.

The path to freedom may be rocky but at the end there is a beautiful, happy life waiting for you and your children.

Good luck

Feel the fear here and do it anyway; i.e continue on with the process of separation.

Do not get hung up here on the sunk costs fallacy. Ongoing investment will not resuscitate what is gone when the investment is a bad one. There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.” This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be. The pull of a family day out can be strong but you can just as easily have a nice family day out yourself with your children.

Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. This relationship was over really the first time he abused you. I would also look at enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme; abusive men can and do wreak havoc on boundaries and yours, already damaged by such abuse, need more strengthening.

Have you as yet started divorce proceedings, if not I would consider starting these asap. Can you not stay in the marital home, why would they need to be uprooted?.

I am on the verge of filing for divorce. I think that’s why I’m frightened and the finality of it is hitting me.

That’s really good advice, thank you.