found dh's porn again

[fatandfrumpy]

Sorry to be boring and bringing up a topic that has already been covered loads. Can I just explain my feelings and my story?

About 3-4 years ago (before even having kids) I found some porn mags in my dh's wardrobe. I was very shocked by this and confronted him about it. He was very embarressed and said he had them from before we were married and that it was difficult to get rid of these things (i.e binning them without being caught. He said he would. I told him that I felt hurt that he had to look at these women and that it felt like he didn't find me attractive enough....I have always been overweight but have atleast felt slightly sexy with him.

I also explained how this had tarnished my view of him. To me he was always Mr Perfect and I praised to him everyone.

Anyway since then I learnt over time to forget about it and to give him another chance.

Well 4 months ago, we moved and as I was packing things I found some new mags in his bedside cabinet. I didn't tell him I found them and told him to pack his stuff himself. I didn't want to embaress him again.

But it has been eating away at me now and i found some more new mags. I can't seem to show him and affection at the mo. To top it all off, when we moved into our new house I found out that I was 5 weeks pg. So I am now 15 weeks pg, overweight and getting bigger!! I feel like so unattractive and let down

I just don't get the problem, obviously he fancies you if you are now pregnant!
Looking at porn is just like a hobby for a lot of men, don't take it personally, just let him get on with it or join in!

I think this is more about you and how you feel about yourself than your husband. When you go out, are you always looking to see if he's looking at other women? Rather than work yourself up into a depressed weepy, try and keep a bit of perspective and humour about it. I don't think keeping quiet is an option as it will eat away at you but don't turn it into something much bigger than it is (so to speak!) You are pregnant so have better things to worry about now.

Please don't call yourself fatandfrumpy because that just yells 'I don't like myself'!!

I know its horrible to find this sort of thing when you are feeling low (I can remember very well from my relationship with XP). In fact I found his computer stash and deleted it (!).

Firstly, don't imagine that he prefers these women to you - that's what I thought - but men just don't work like that. They are visually stimulated and just like looking at this sort of thing. It doesn't mean he's a horrible person.

Also, if he's 'hiding' it from you it's probably because he doesn't want to upset you.

I would def talk to him and explain how you are feeling. Bet the preggie hormones aren't helping either!

Look I really can see why you are upset, but it's not his fault he can't live up to your expectations of Mr Perfect.

I have had a LTR with a 23 stone bloke. Also a 9 stone bloke. I loved and fancied them both.

You are real.

I understand how you feel, but you're his wife, he married you & you are carrying his child.

The girls in the porn mags are a bit of escapism, not reality.

You shouldn't let it eat away at you. You should have a close enough relationship for you to be able to let him know you found the porn during the house move & more since.

Is there any chance you could tak this over with him?

I know I should talk to him but I find it really hard to confront things. It takes me ages to then it builds up to a point where it explodes. I know this is so wrong and childish.... I think I need help with that...but that's another issue!!

I think part of the reason I don't want to say anything is to avoid making him feel embarrassed. The other reason is I'm worried that he might get rid of them for me and I don't want to make him do that. As much as I hate the idea I woudn't want to stop, what I guess, is something he gets pleasure or something from. Does that make sense. I wish I never found the b**y things and was ignorant to the whole thing!

P.s I am also thinking now that what if when we have sex he is using me to act out the fantasies (not that we've done it for about 2 months because I can't feel close to him). I sometimes feel that we didn't actually make love but just had "quickies".

people who have seen my posts recently will hopefully see that I am normally very gentle with my responses and try not to be judgmental at all (I am a man by the way). But to get straight to the point, please please give this poor guy a break. You say you "gave him another chance" first time round, as if he had been unfaithful. He had not, he had some porno mags. He didn't even have a secret internet habit, he has some mags which could easily have been found by you.

Sorry to be harsh but:

1 men look at and enjoy porn
2 they still very much love and fancy their partners
3 looking at porn is no reflection on you
4 it's just a bit of harmless escapism
5 so what if sometimes sex was more physical than emotional. Variety is the spice of life.
6 you will totally drive this guy away if you continue like this. On a scale of 1 to 100, his misdemeanor is somewhere around 5.
7 if you cannot accept he looks at porn, you may have to resign yourself to a life of celibacy. All - I repeat ALL - men, look at porn at some point in their lives. Men are visual creatures and porn satisfies this.

In spite of this, he does also need to be vigilant to how you feel about yourself as a person and be sensitive to that. But please, give him - and yourself! - a break over this.

Sorry if I have sounded too direct...

Its not a big deal, really, you need to get over it and move on.

Nothing wrong with a bit of window shopping when you wont ever have the money to buy it.

My Dh watches HIts etc and other POP tv -girls aloud , sugarbabes, britney. Loves the music OF COURSE. Knows I would flip if I found porn , but think he's just prob good at hiding stuff. When does he read/look at it? Go look at some surfers/builders etc (sneaky peak) to get even and laugh! Above post is right on target. Being preggars is lush too so enjoy your curves and focus on when you really will exercise in distant future!!! (or never....) x

I mean the one with 1., 2, etc! and Pavlov!

Another male here. I agree mostly with postingatlast. Most men will look at porn, and will look at it as a reasonably minor misdemeanor. That said, there are serious ethical issues about porn, and about the exploitation inherent within it. There are, however, points at which its the least-worst choice of action.

Your partner should be sensitive about your feelings. You also need to be sensitive to his. If you don't feel he's being sensitive, talk to him - but ask for discretion, and emphasise why you find being exposed to this stuff difficult.

Thank you all for your responses. I was hoping that I could get a male point of view so a special thanx to postingatlast and pontipineFG.
You have all basically summed up what I know and are right in your points. I guess I just needed it said to me (if that makes sense?).
I can get my head round the fact that most men look at porn but deep down always hoped that dh was in a small minority.
With regards to any other types e.g internet etc, I have no clue because I wouldn't know where to look to find out if he has.
I shall bring myself to talk to him as much as i hate to. thank you x

pleasure, fatandfrumpy. To be fair, your DH would have to have been in a really really small minority. That doesn't mean by any stretch that you are wrong to feel how you do but it hopefully puts his behaviour into some perspective.

You really don't need to look for signs of him looking at the odd bit of porn on the net. The only time to worry about it is when it really gets in the way of your relationship, for example in the amount of time he spends doing it. Everyone, IMO, needs a little secret garden just to remain sane and if his secret garden is an occasional peek at a bit of porn, compared to other things it really is a small thing to let him do.

Finally, good that you will talk to him. Of course there is never a right or wrong answer with relationship questions and often the best way to resolve them is by discussing them between the two of you. At least you wil get his perspective and he will be able to understand yours.

Good luck!

Please change your name. It's very sad.

You are pregnant, not fat!!

I think porn is (mostly) harmless, but your dh should be reassuring you that you are beautiful to him. Forget the Mr Perfect ideal - it doesn't exist, he's a real person, warts and all.
You both need to accept each other for what you are, so what if he looks at porn - it's no reflection on you, really it isn't.

I have to say, and it seems im in the minority but I'd be gutted if I found a secret porn stash. Ive read all the above posts and tried to see it from that POV but in my heart i would just be so upset-now we have induldged in it together from time to time which is different as it is a mutual thing, a couple thing. but if dh had a secret stash hmmm, I'd have to think long and hard bout that.

Dittany: some women dislike porn, others like it. THey find it arousing and enjoyable on their own account. Just because they have different opinions to you does not mean they have 'given up'.

How many women masturbate and think of other men/scenarios when we do it?? Me, for one....that is because we women have that thing callled an 'imagination'.....men are more turned on by visual aids....ie porn, films etc....this is what (some of them like)....but that does not mean that they are cheating or love us less...

Please try not to worry. So what if he has a porn stash? It does not mean that he loves you less, does not fancy you, or wants another women....all it means is that he is a hot-blooded male!!

If I were you I would try and communicate how you are feeling....but please do not make him feel guilty about what he is doing as IMO it is perfectly normal.....men are simple beings - that is what you have to remember!!!