No effort or high maintenance?

[Delllusb]

I feel like DP makes no effort but I’m prepared to be told otherwise. I would sort of like to be told otherwise as I’m feeling rubbish about the relationship. Not sure if I was just very lucky in the past with people. I’m pregnant 8mo so want it to work if possible.

Basically whatever I try and arrange or plan, DP isn’t interested. Holidays, nights out, concerts, etc he is blank expression and just says he doesn’t know if he can. We’ve had rows about it but over time I just give up. Work is his usual excuse.

That said, he’s kind and generous. Will buy food I like and will randomly stop at a restaurant and pay if we are hungry. These are things I’ve clung to as nice things.

he can be shit on my birthday…last year I got a pen and a mug. But then other times he’s very generous so I think it’s more whether he’s free to sort things rather than actually not wanting do something nice. Again because of work.

He will message sometimes in the day to check I’m ok but there’s no consistency, some days he won’t. Presumably work related again.

I don’t know. I’m used to being treated quite well and feel a bit silly having got pregnant with the one man who I feel is being a bit shit. But I really fell in love when we met and I do stil love him, I just feel under appreciated a lot of the time.

Been together 3 years both late 30s

How does he respond when you have told him you feel under appreciated?. Or have you not done this at all because you are afraid of his reaction?.

Why are you so invested in making this work?. What is HE now doing to make your relationship work given his lack of effort?. The onus should not be imposed by you on you to make it work. He should be treating you like a queen, not just some woman who is also about to give birth to his child.

Your boundaries re this man are pretty low; to say that he buys you food you like and a meal in a restaurant also shows a very low bar here. You've clung onto that too, he's really doing the barest of bare minimums here.

I would think you have made far more effort when it has come to his birthday/Christmas too. He also comes across as work first, you well and truly second even if that high up on his priority list. I think that he is not going to at all change when he becomes a father; it will be you holding the baby and doing the chores. This is really who he is and such men do not change readily if at all.

I would seriously consider giving this child your surname rather than his going forward; infact this child should have your surname. Do you really also want to raise a child in such an environment?.

"Basically whatever I try and arrange or plan, DP isn’t interested. Holidays, nights out, concerts, etc"

How are your finances as a couple? I can see him not being eager to pursue things like this if he is potentially worried about finances, especially with a little one on the way. Maybe he's trying to not overspend and ensure that he can support you and your newborn?

It kinda sounds like he doesn't want to say No to you, or to these things that you're suggesting, but is hesitant to actually order/book anything as he is worried about the financial aspect, hence why he won't give you a straight answer. He may not want to let you down but doesn't want to say no either.