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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is there any hope or help for this?

6 replies

Confusedbyactions · 30/05/2022 13:27

Hi there, I've been struggling with home life for a while a bit of background - I stopped work, limited phone use and contact with friends to nothing has been or is going on. I took our kids out on every visit outside the house even raced about to ensure it was quick shopping or bank visit etc. My wife has cited 2 long term affairs on going for years alongside my behaviour over the last few weeks and adamant there's now hope. Firstly I confronted both affairs head on 6months ago and recently, how can she think this when i havent? , she says her proof is group chat messages which appear a bit cryptic as well as general calls chatting about general day to day items she has picked up on flaws in from 1 or both women in question, even coded FB posts (note i dont use FB). I thought I'd take a lie detector as proof, passed all questions to prove my innocence 6months ago and we stayed together. It didnt work entirwly as she said it was fake. I let her access all my phone and contacts, emails, keep my laptop on, limit outside contact with people to show there is nothing there. She has an answer for everything, how can I be connecting to people, who and why? She says I just am, apparently I'm manipulating people, mind control and read books on lieing and can. I suggested another go keep it together work on it, open communication more. This hasn't helped. She makes, small comments, references, I was unhappy she became unhappy. We never went for counselling. It came to a head last month when I had enough of the behaviour and copied what she does, where are you going? How long for who with etc how alhave things taken that long, why are you on social media at that time of night etc it was childish but I wanted to show her it's not healthy. I also pointed out that her mother spent an unhealthy amount of time texting her, calling her and even being with her, perhaps 20x a day calls/texts maybe an hour or 2 together and this is after she lived with us and became my wife's shadow for 9months. Regardless I pushed on, to the point I was so angry I started to withdraw, ignore and the hope was she would question and realise these affairs are nonsense. It backfired, she wants to seperate blaming the last few weeks, adamant, I've suggested it's caused by the belief she thinks I have had and still having these affairs. I suggested counselling again. Stupidly I brought up the affairs to the husbands of the women as my wife's behaviour to them became funny and off. They supported my decision and want to help but how can I help her? My wife is adamant and told people I have been. It's causing sides to be taken and I'm worried it will impact our kids, future if we have one together or apart. I suggested she may have delusionals and want to help her. What can I do? It seems she is being advised to go down the line of emotional abuse by me.

OP posts:
Beachsidesunset · 30/05/2022 13:44

You obviously need to divorce and concentrate on building a new life and being a good father. This relationship is over.

PollyDarton1 · 30/05/2022 13:53

Sorry, I'm a bit confused.

Is your wife accusing you of having two affairs? That you've had to get a lie detector test to disprove, as well as handing over all your electrical devices, stop seeing people and you're still having to justify your actions? I'm sorry, but that's abusive on HER part, not yours. She may very well have reasons to say you are emotionally abusive also, but that information isn't in the OP.

Have you had previous affairs?

Whatever way you look at it, it's a toxic environment for both of you playing games with each other and you are clearly both unhappy.

wellhelloitsme · 30/05/2022 14:10

She's either abusive or abusive and unwell. Either way you're being abused by her. This is no way to live.

You have kids. Raising them under the same roof as this dynamic is incredibly, incredibly unfair.

They're learning that this is what a relationship looks like and the longer you stay together modelling that behaviour, the more likely they are to replicate it as adults.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2022 14:16

Your marriage is a toxic nightmare and your poor children are caught in the middle. You need to end this marriage, immediately.

Justcallmebebes · 30/05/2022 14:21

I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she is ill as none of this is normal. I also think, as there are kids involved, you need to get out and probably take your kids with you.

This is not going to get better on its own and she may not get better at all and always be this irrational

Confusedbyactions · 03/06/2022 08:13

Thanks all, my aim was to see a professional but that seems out the window as we move to seperation. The next worry is children, limiting any damage as well as lifestyle downgrades. Any input appreciated. Another worry is she mentioned key words to me such as what the comments say above and is very distant, appears angry and keen to tell people her version if she suspects they know what's going on or my side. I'm not sure we will agree on many aspects and need to get her on a good day to edge forward amicably.

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