How am I meant to react?

[PinkPolishedNails]

Long story short. A few years ago my DH almost died due to medical negligence when A&E sent him home. He had a rare medial condition that they dismissed and ended up needing a 10hr operation to save his life. He is on lifelong medication now and there is a chance that he may have to undergo the same surgery one or more times again during his life. It was an extremely stressful time when he was ill and in surgery, and while he was recovering. Now he is pretty much back to normal, but it obviously still that it's weighs heavily on his mind. I'm convinced he has PTSD and have urged him to seek help but he refuses. He claims he's fine. He's not.

The main issue is now that he constantly dwells on himself. And by that I mean he will create an argument and to prove a point he'll lash out and say things like "I don't deserve the stress you (or DC) put me through", "no one has to deal with as much stress as me", "no one else does as much as me", "you have no idea the stress you put me under", "what have I done to deserve this", "I'm gone! (as in - he's leaving which he never does), "if you cared about me you wouldn't have done that" etc. Everything is always 'poor me'. Over the years as things have got pretty much back to normal for him and he's become more and more verbally abusive when he's frustrated. As a result my sympathy for him has seriously waned. Everything is my fault. He's always right. He puts words into my mouth saying that I don't care etc. Its like he decides when he's ok and when he's not doing ok. 90% of the time he'll be fine and go about his regular day to day business. But the moment everyday stresses like the children and work that everyone has to deal with get to be too much then he's not ok and I'm a terrible person for not automatically realising and sympathising with him. I genuinely don't know what he wants from me anymore. He also says all this in front of the children as well and plays these same little verbal poor me mind games with our DC.

It's almost to the point where he's developed covert narcissistic personality disorder.

I don't know what to do anymore. How do I react and sympathise with him when my sympathies are starting to run dry because of the way he's behaving and treating me?

Does anyone else have any experience with a relative that's had a near death experience?

Well for starters the near death experience is a red herring. He's treating you like an emotional punching bag. No experience no matter how traumatic is an excuse to do that. He's an adult and should be expected to sort his own emotions out. If he can't do that and continues to attack your and the DC wellbeing then you must set boundaries to protect yourself and DC. You are not his mother and he is not your child.

No experience, no matter how frightening or traumatic, gives you a free pass to treat another person like shit.

He also does not get a pass to check out of anything he doesn’t feel like doing.

You and your children don’t deserve this treatment.

Next time he says he wants to go? Tell him where the door is. Next time he goes poor me? Point out how badly his behaviour is affecting you and the children. Don’t mince your words.

The thing is if I do this - he plays this game where he talks / yells really fast and loud and doesn't let me get a word in to even let me get my point across. If I were to reply with something that would prove my point / prove him wrong he would then yell "you're right! You're right about X but that's because I do x, y and z and take care of this and that and am under so much pressure. So you're right I do do that, but that's because you don't do a,b,c).

I can't think of a good actual example right now. But that's the type of thing he does. If I catch him out then he'll yell and somehow justify his behaviour. I just can't bare to even argue with him anymore at that point so I just drop it and he probs ku thinks he's won.

When he is calm tell him to pack his bags as it obviously isn’t working and you don’t want to stress him out so it is probably best he finds somewhere else less stressful to live.

You are in a really destructive cycle and you need to step outside of it.

There is no point is arguing with him any more. You are wasting your energy. Use your precious resources on making plans to be able to split up and live seperately where you and your children get to live a happy and relaxed life for the vast majority of the time.

And from a poster who's had a 'near death experience', may I say that he actually sounds tedious as fuck.

If you can wait for a moment where things are quiet, then just lay it out.

If he insists on speaking over you, blaming you/justifying his actions, tell him if he won’t listen properly to you, you want him gone until such time he can prove to you it is worth him staying. And mean it.

He is riding roughshod over you.

It doesn’t need to be this kind of life.

And from a poster who's had a 'near death experience', may I say that he actually sounds tedious as fuck.

And this.

PPs are absolutely right. There's no point in arguing with him, he isn't going to listen and he'll have an answer for everything. But remember that you don't need to justify yourself, you don't need to prove he is wrong and you are right. Your feelings are valid and you have the right to feel them.

He isn't going to change because what he is doing is working for him. It's getting him the results he wants. He gets to vent his anger and frustration on you and gets you to do what he wants rather than what you want or compromising.

Time to drop the rope and see a solicitor. Do it quietly, educate yourself, and then make your plans. In the meantime, just leave him to himself. Speak to him as little as possible and go your own way as much as you can.

Thank you all. I guess I just wanted to know if others who have also been near death (let's face it I'm sure many people have, or have been in situations where they've had cancer etc) were / weren't the same way. I've felt I've really tried to help him but he doesn't want my help and then he gets angry at me for the most ridiculous things.

Unfortunately I have adhd which I've only just found out fairly recently (explains a lot tbh and also explains why he gets frustrated with me so easily). One of the things people with ADHD have is with impulsivity and problems with money. I have no savings at all. I'm stuck with him for the foreseeable future I'm afraid 😔

To address your question about near dear experiences, my DH had cancer. Thank God they caught it early. But it's made him a gentler and somewhat calmer person. Things that would bother him before he's now able to shrug off. And he appreciates life and the people he loves even more.

Your husband is just an asshole. He probably always was but he now feels that his DNE is a carte blanche to do and say whatever he wants.

That's NDE. Not DNE

Yes I would have thought most people with NDE would have been more accepting of the world and just thankful to be alive.

Our son has been acting up today and husband has again resorted to getting frustrated with everyone saying "I don't deserve this" blah blah blah. Son put a toy next to husbands ear that played a very loud noise. Husband got angry and was so dramatic saying he's lost his hearing and needed paracetamol. Then I was rushing around making the kids their dinner and myself my dinner, trying to keep the peace etc, while dealing with my kids screaming at eachother and acting up. I pleaded with them to stop as I get very overwhelmed
With loud noises and said I'm getting a headache. Husband immediately snaps back at me all sarcastically saying "yoooou've for a headache??? What about me?" I said well yes. Aren't I allowed to get headaches?" (I get migraines frequently and he's aware of this). He then said well You've not been working today, but I have and have been taking the kids to their sports camps" He's always trying to justify himself to be more important than anyone else.

Although he was technically working (he's self employed) he still found time to cook himself 2 full meals, watch a movie while working, shower and go to the gym and pick one child up while I got the other and took them to an appointment.

But he lives such a hard life compared to anyone else that we know 🙄 Wonder if I should remind him about our friend who moved overseas during lockdown without any family or friends and discovered they had a very aggressive form of cancer and needed several surgeries. But he's obviously got it much harder than our friend 🙄🙄🙄

Yes I would have thought most people with NDE would have been more accepting of the world and just thankful to be alive.

That's cliched nonsense. It's the case for some people - i.e. the ones who don't end up with PTSD - but not everyone.

Something like 20% of people who survive a traumatic experience develop PTSD. Of those about 5% develop severe and enduring PTSD. So 1% of the survivors.

The 99% who don't develop severe PTSD can come on here and tell you what superior humans they are for the fluke of recovering, but how does that help if your husband is one of the 1% who aren't that lucky?

Developing PTSD or not has nothing to do with strength or character. It's not a personal failing or character flaw. Same as ADHD is not a character flaw and it would be really shitty of people to tell you it was and condemn you.

There's research that shows people who receive a safe, supportive and trauma-informed response in the immediate aftermath of a trauma are less likely to develop PTSD. Your husband had the opposite experience. Unsurprisingly he has also had the opposite outcome.

Not only did your husband have a traumatic experience, but it was caused by the very people he should have been able to rely upon to protect him and keep him safe. No wonder he doesn't see the world as wondrous.

If he knows he might need more major treatment then he also knows he's never going to be safe in the world because his life will always rely on people who nearly killed him. That he will have to put himself back in their unsafe hands. That he can't protect himself from them.

Wouldn't you feel pretty terrified and angry in that position? I would. It sounds horrific to have that hanging over him.

He doesn't have the right to treat you as an emotional punchbag, no. But you don't have the right to condemn him for being injured by an experience you don't understand.

And nor do the sanctimonious posters upthread. Surviving a trauma without severe PTSD doesn't make you a better person, it makes you a lucky person.

My DS2 has PTSD with anxiety due to trauma. He doesn't expect the world to revolve around him nor does he believe that he has things 'worse' than other people because of what he went through. He still has empathy for others.

If OP's DH is suffering from PTSD, then he should seek treatment, not treat those around him like shit.