Is GOOD enough

[dreadlyn]

Ladies out there, there's a general consensus that we all want good men.
Well I found one, he's nice, a good father. not abusive and not a drinker. But I want to end it.
Basically I moved in with this man 6 months after we met. We got a house together as he was leaving with his parents (at 31). He had a deposit saved up though ( I didn't ). So again, good man.
I found out that he couldn't cook anything. Can't diy, doesn't do any gardening. So over the years, I've taught him to cook a few simple dishes. When something needs fixing he calls his dad. When I start working on the garden he then joins me. I have lost all love for him coz it feels like I've been raising him.
I resent that he is not ambitious. He was happy to continue his minimum wage job he's had for 20 years until I suggested a change. Now he is earning much more and happy. I resent that it was my idea. He admits he would never have left if it wasn't for me.
He proposed a year after we met and I remember thinking how nice that he respected me enough to ask me. That was it. Because my previous relationship was abusive I think I have stayed with him coz he's nice. And nothing else. We have no chemistry. I cheated on him once, a one night thing I immediately squashed. I find myself dreaming of the kind of man I want and it's not him. I know no relationship is perfect. But I want one that Ild actually be willing to work on when things get stale. This feels just fundamentally wrong and though he's a nice man, maybe just not for me...?

What about being in this relationship is better than being single?

Because it doesn’t sound like you could list many things. In which case, there’s your answer. He doesn’t fulfill you, you’ve cheated on him. Why do you want to stay, when you can have “good”, if that’s your baseline, alone?

You could do a lot worse than picking a "nice" man. I picked a nice man in my 20s and had two children with him.

Twenty years later, those simmering resentments and lack of attraction caused our relationship to fail. We were friends, nothing more.

He's still my best friend and an amazing father. So I guess he was a good choice after all.

But, if I had my time again, I'd have held out for someone who I truly loved.

Time to move on, let him go. Hopefully he can find love again with a new partner. You don't really want him if you've cheated on him with someone else. You appear to want something better, let him do the same.

OP, you need to examine your feelings very carefully. Sometimes women who have been in abusive relationships subconsciously crave the drama, the fighting, etc and feel that a nice normal
man is just “dull” by comparison. Or they can feel that they don’t deserve a nice man who loves them, and (again, subconsciously) seek another abuser, because being ill treated is their default normal.
Did you have counselling after you left your previous abusive partner? Are you sure that your contempt for your nice current chap isn’t a toxic hangover from before? You need to be certain of your motives, before you throw away a supportive partnership.

@Babdoc you've hit the nail on the head there. I worry about this and I didn't have counselling no. However I'm so far gone, I look at him and I'm full of resentment. We have 2 children so I act okay and civil around them. I have zero physical attraction and have felt this way for a while. I fear what's out there but the alternative is staying just because it's safe. I think DP has nothing to bring to the table, he's a devoted dad who wants to spend all his time at home in front of the telly. It's not me. I think we should split amicably while I'm still able to remain civil towards him.
I wish I could fix this but I'm missing that first crucial step which is actually wanting to fix it :-(

Yes, this is why I steer well clear of men still living at home in their 30s without a very, very good reason. They might be good people but the lack of drive and ambition gives me the absolute ick. I've worked very, very hard to build a good career and a good life for myself from a modest background and I don't have much time for people who just plod through life without ever thinking about whether there's anything better out there. It's just a fundamental lack of compatibility and a huge difference in how we view the world.

That said, there are plenty of abusive arseholes out there, as you know. And 'chemistry' is often the result of quite a toxic attachment. I had amazing chemistry with my abusive ex. Up to you to decide whether the grass is greener, really.