Husband Messaging Escorts HELP

[ZiggyStar16]

Hi 👋

I am a mum of three under 7yrs. Just found out that my husband of 10 years has been messaging escorts as part of a fantasy. He says it didn't go any further than messaging.

I talked to him and I understand that our marriage isn't 100%, he says he feels neglected and that we aren't intimate. Just want to clarify we have sex fortnightly. It hasn't been great sex for either of us. I do find him attractive, I just am either too exhausted or have a kid in out bed.

Pre kids we has a steaming sex life, I was highly successful, young sex kitten. And now I am a tired and over worked and under appreciated stay at home mum.

I don't trust him, I don't want to separate but I have no idea what to do. I don't want to condone his behavior because next time he may follow through on his fantasy.

I need help, I feel so lost. I don't want to split up my family. But I also don't want to be a door mat.

I really need advice.

What does he say about it? Is he willing to stop and work on your marriage and be 100% open and honest?
You say you don't trust him, unsurprisingly! For me it would be game over but that's just me.
You can't stay with someone just because you have kids and their a good dad, me and dp have gone months without it and none of us have cheated (that I know of!)
The bottom line is if you don't trust him, can you get that back? If not then there's no point continuing. Take it from one who knows that staying together "for the kids" never works x

He is blaming you for HIM messaging escorts. Even if he did feel neglected and lacking in sex (sorry, that’s bullshit), he had a thousand different choices he could have made to address that - suggest counselling, talk to you seriously, leave the relationship, organise a mini break for you. No - he chose to message escorts instead of all those other choices. I’d be gone.

The only advice you need is from a solicitor. You will manage.

He says it was just messaging and he didnt go through with anything. Must think you were born yesterday. I wonder how busy escorts must be fielding messages from all these punters who just never go through with anything.

Sorry OP but they always say they 'never went through with it', escorts will quickly block or blacklist time wasters (especially on Adultwork and similar sites) so he's unlikely to have got away with 'just messaging' more than once or twice without them getting wise to it. I would work on the assumption he's actually having sex with prostitutes and react accordingly, you'll never trust him again anyway so the sooner you emotionally detach and start looking to move on the more pain you will save yourself. I'm very sorry he's done this to you

There’s only one direction for this to go. But you can take time to come to terms with it and plan.

The fact that he went straight to contacting escorts rather than sitting down with you and discussing about how you can have more intimate moments together that suits you both is rather damning.

Personally I wills never trust him again and show him the door.

Sex fortnightly, with 3 very young kids, is extremely good going.

Are you a service robot/sex doll that if it doesn't perform to the max.., is replaced by another robot/doll for that service.... you are supposed to be life partners, you've carried and cares for 3 of his kids continuously for the last few yrs.

I think he's excuse is BS anyway

Also, there's a danger it was not just a fantasy.

They always say they didn't actually meet any of the prostitutes.

Escorted is such a faffy and inaccurate word.

*Escorts

You weren't happy with the qyality of the sex either by the sounds of it ... were you making sure you got time out, and using that time to browse and contact eg male escorts, or just a non escort guy off dating or sex sites (which you could do very very easily, women are gold dust on there) .... no, you were knuckling down under childcsre & family responsibilities.

Anyway, he lacks integrity, hard to change that.

Also, from my understanding, prostitutes on eg adult work are often grouped and managed by admin ppl (for lack if a better word) and pimps who manage bookings. Many are not directly managing thryr own bookings. Hence customers may not even get the prostitute whose photo and profile they contacted ... seems to happen quite a lot, from reading reviews.

(Also from reviews, men complain about prostitutes seeming unaware of or reneging on sex acts agreed during booking messages).

The point im trying to marry is that these ppl messaging abd taking bookings manage more than one prostitues; and are very likely to notice and block time wasters. A woman managing her own bookings entirely (unusual) is again going to block a time waster. Unless he is repeatedly changing his number/email .. just how many messages would he get before they drop out.

Even if the messages & prospective bookings were truly only fantasy; that's a pretty shitty fantasy to be dealing with in your life partner (!) Could be any number of things, but happens to be browsing and messaging sex workers.

Oh and fantasy in this context means something you don't act on.
You'd just masturbate tk the thought of it/such a scenario.

But he's already acted on it. Already crossed a line whether he truly hasn't met any of the prostitutes he contacted or not.

In general someone who doesn't "understand" that your sex life takes more of a back seat while you're managing 3 v young children, is not good relationship/partner material. Very selfish and unrealistic, aside from everything else.

Not that I'd even call once a fortnight "back seat".

What happens if sex is back seat at five point due to depression/medication/illness etc etc?
Will that be unacceptable and an excuse then.
That's not really a realistic, kind, supportive, tolerant, loving partnership. You must feel very pressured. Qere you put under pressure to return to sex post partum? There are plenty of women who don't/can't have sex post partum for months. What would he be doing while married to one of those.

I'd like to.see him if it was you contacting male escorts!

(Incidentally, when ppl (usually men) claim they cheated (or were trying to cheat) due to lack of sex, I generally find that's a version of the truth. The real truth is that it's due to lack of sex with more than one person (not actually lack of sex with their partner).... they just don't want to be monogamous, but will always play the "you don't give me enough sex/exciting enough sex" etc card.

In reality their partner never could, they actually want variety but are too dishonest and selfish to be honest about it and ask for an open relationship or end the relationship.(They wouldn't want a two way open relationship anyway).

Seen this so many times on here. They always say they didn't actually meet or do anything

And my understanding is that that's always bollocks.
They admit to the bare minimum because they've been caught and getting anything resembling the full story is like pulling teeth.
They also always turn it round and try to make their partner feel it's somehow her fault because she doesn't put out enough/she prioritises the children/doesn't stroke his ego enough.
Don't end up like many others on here who swallow the story (and their instincts) and find out the hard way that this is the tip of the iceberg.
I really feel for you. He's a prick.

He’s not only sleeping with prostitutes, he’s insulting your intelligence by telling you he’s only been messaging them. Get your plans in order and divorce him

Same thing happened to me. I found messages from him to many escorts. He told me he was hacked, then admitted to it but “only talked” and never met any. I dumped his pathetic ass and moved me and my DC out within 2 weeks.

He must think you were born yesterday.

How did it help the lack of intimacy for him to be doing that if there was never anything physical?

Why would they waste their time and energy on someone who's not paying for their services?

They all say they were only messaging. (Seen it here so many times). Very, very unlikely he hasn't been having sex with them. Prostitute's punters include loads of married men.

He's splitting up your family, not you. The terms of your marriage have completely changed. You need to be strong, get your ducks in a row and get out.

Hey OP can I ask how you found out? Are you 100% sure he didnt leave careless trails so you discovered what he was up to? Maybe he is looking for a pretext to separate or he wanted you to find out so you two could adress what is going on in your Sex Life?

By the sounds of things on Mumsnet, I’d swear me thought escorts were some sort of free messaging counselling service, there to help the poor menz who don’t think they get enough sex. This is, of course, nonsense. Escorts making their living from escorting, and I imagine would give short shrift to men who just wanted a free chat.

The Samaritans are there if he needs a chat 🙄

So. You've stepped up to the masses demands of having 3 kids, and not only has he not, he's also blamed you for it. Yes, husband, life is massively harder with 3 kids than it was before. A good man supports you and works as a team; a shit man whinges about his lack of attention.

You will do what you want but at the bare minimum, you need to get yourself to a sexual health clinic.
Do not believe a word, he is a pathetic walking cliché.

So let me get this straight. He is blaming you for him messaging escorts (lack of sex). For a start what utter bollocks.
He also only messaged them, didn't go any further. Again what utter bollocks.

He is a complete useless piece of crap OP. I am so sorry. I am sure he was happy as anything pre children, when you weren't run ragged and tired caring for HIS children. His focus is quite simply pleasuring himself. With as little effort as he can.
He doesn't care where this pleasure comes from, and he has shown a total, inexcusable disrespect for you, his wife.

The best advice is above. See a solicitor. There is no way he was just 'messaging them as a fantasy'.
They all say that.

But even if, by the remotest possibility, he was 'just messaging', for me, that would be end game anyway.

You and your DC will be much better off without someone like this in your life who was willing to completely destroy everything you have built together for the sake of his dick.