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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Messages on Partners laptop.

18 replies

Gimjax · 29/05/2022 20:38

Help! I have spent the weekend feeling awful. I used my partners laptop to print a label a couple of days ago and a whatsapp message came up from his best friend. I clicked on WhatsApp and immediately regretted it never snooped on him in 5 years together. I have often asked him
not to discuss personal stuff about us or me with his friend but have been suspicious that he has been telling him stuff! He has constantly said that I’m paranoid. In the first few messages I saw that he had repeated a personal conversation we had had the night before. Also had complained to his friend about my anxiety I had been suffering during menopause and said “oh shes a nightmare” I am now so embarrassed as we are meeting his friend next week. I’m also upset because he has vehemently denied in the past discussing anything personal with his friend.

I feel like being totally honest and telling him what I’ve seen so it can be discussed but also worried he will say I shouldn’t have looked even though he lets me use his laptop.

Advice needed please 🙏🏻

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 29/05/2022 20:46

It’s a tough one, personally I vent to my friends about my dh. It’s nothing nasty, just sometimes a passing comment if he’s done something to annoy me.
He has betrayed your trust but he might not see it that way.Youve told him not to do it. You’ll need to speak to him and explain how it makes you feel but I imagine he will be equally upset that you read his messages.

Giveitall · 29/05/2022 20:47

Sit on it. Keep your antenna up & maybe check back another time? When you’ve got ample evidence, challenge him with it then?
You’re in a very difficult situation because nobody wants to snoop , nobody likes a snooper & being a snooper isn’t a pleasant characteristic but if it’s important to you then it might open a channel of communication which needs attention?

Sorry I’m not much help but didn’t want to scroll on by.

Overthewine · 29/05/2022 21:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

frozendaisy · 29/05/2022 21:10

Everyone needs to talk their friends. It's how you vent the small stuff.

Who hasn't called their partner a knob/nightmare. I share a lot with a couple of trusted friends. So what? I mean we end up in situations all talking deeply about oh all sorts of deep personal things, between males and females, about sex, emotions, fears, loves, niggles.

Just own it.
No one really cares. If you make him happy most of the time that is all his mate will care about. Or should care about.

You can't, and shouldn't want to police his conversations with his friends. Talking is ok. Talking about personal important stuff is ok.

I reckon my husband's best mate know more about me than best mate's lovely wife does and I tell her most things, do they swap notes? Oh I don't know or care.

Basically we all know each other intimately and our lives are all the better for doing so.

Or get cross, tell him you have seen the messages, instruct him on what he can and can't talk about and make everyone feel guilty and awkward.

Or hold back in future, if he asks what's wrong just tell him you feel your private conversations aren't private. And you talk about private stuff with friends you can trust.

They are the options I can see.

Gimjax · 29/05/2022 21:14

I have no issue with him discussing things with his friends but we have been having counselling about my anxiety and depression recently and he knows I’m very sensitive about it and he recently was away with his friend and text me saying “don’t worry about me saying anything I promise I never would” his friend has brought up many very personal things in the past and I always worried about how he knew.

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 29/05/2022 21:36

My landlord says "Oh she's a nightmare" about his much-loved dog, who he absolutely dotes on. Only you can tell what the tone of that comment is likely to have been. Flowers

I don't think we can draw lines around who can discuss what with who. We'd like to, obviously, but I'm not sure it's fair. Everyone has the right to say what they like to anyone.

CrystalCoco · 29/05/2022 21:43

We all need someone to vent to and whilst I understand your point of view - I'm a very private person and my H is a gobshite - I'd have to accept that he's just letting off steam. Annoying that he promised that he would never say anything but that's pretty unrealistic and maybe things just got more on top of him than he expected and just needed someone to talk to.

pastypirate · 29/05/2022 23:45

I think wanting to police your partner conversations is an issue in itself.

LooseGoose22 · 30/05/2022 01:45

He sounds indiscrete and disloyal.

Gimjax · 30/05/2022 08:55

It’s not about “policing his conversations” I know a lot of what they talk about is gossip and very boyish humour … he often shows me stuff that he has been sent as a joke etc and we laugh about it … it is just stopping me confiding in him about things that are very personal because I don’t want other people to know and I feel you should be able to tell your partner things in confidence !! He has told me things in the past and asked me not to say anything to anyone!

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 30/05/2022 08:58

Tbh I would let this go. I've said it about a partner in the past, I didn't mean it really but he'd pissed me off and I was venting. You can't dictate what he discusses with friends and he needs an outlet too.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 30/05/2022 09:03

@LooseGoose22
He sounds indiscrete and disloyal.

I totally agree.

This was one of the issues that hurt me more than my exH actually cheating on me. The fact that he had revealed private, intimate details about our marriage to his OW and workmates, who, in turn gossiped about them in his workplace.

It made me feel humiliated and violated.

I can't advise you what to do OP, but I couldn't stay with a man who wasn't supportive or discrete.

Hurstlandshome · 30/05/2022 09:03

Do you feel ashamed that you're suffering with anxiety/depression, is that why you don't want others knowing? You shouldn't, but if you do, if could explain some of the ways you're feeling.
Couldn't have felt nice to see 'she's a nightmare', but we all need our outlets. Sorry you're not feeling great Flowers

Gimjax · 30/05/2022 09:39

Yes I have been really struggling with menopause symptoms which have caused severe anxiety and he has been coming to counselling with me and I am trying different HRT strengths etc. I am 10 years older than most of the females in our group of friends, they all have young children mine are all adults and he knows that it is taking time for me to get used to this. He is 4 years younger. I am in my 50’s. We have been together 5 years so I’m fairly new to his group of friends! I know it all sounds ridiculous I just feel a bit hurt and exposed I suppose!

OP posts:
Catlover1970 · 30/05/2022 10:15

pastypirate · 29/05/2022 23:45

I think wanting to police your partner conversations is an issue in itself.

This. He is allowed to have an outlet to discuss his feelings

Bookworm20 · 30/05/2022 11:39

Of course he can discuss things with his mates, but he shouldn't be divulging personal conversations. Especially about things you have specifically told him to keep to himself as they are very personal to you. I can totally understand how you feel let down and likely violated. There are things I discuss with my DP that I certainly wouldn't want him discussing with his mates. Likewise the other way around. For example if my DP was suffering from ED, I wouldn't be blabbing it on whatsapp to my friends! Its private and he would quite rightly feel betrayed and unable to trust me.

Doesn't matter if he thinks its not a big deal, or even if its hard for him. you asked him not to disclose it to anyone and hes gone straight out and messaged his mate with it.

In your position I would say to him the message popped up on his laptop when you were using it, You clicked to shut it down and it opened the whatsapp and you saw the messages to his mate. Tell him how hurt you are and exactly how you feel. Thats all you can do really, but I'd definitely let him know you saw them.

greenhebeaww · 30/05/2022 11:47

If he typed 'she's a nightmare' to his friend about you then I think that is incredibly disrespectful. He should have your back.

With messaging, you get time to compose the message, so it's not like blurting out a comment in the heat of the moment.

Is he immature?

catscatscatseverywhere · 30/05/2022 12:39

LooseGoose22 · 30/05/2022 01:45

He sounds indiscrete and disloyal.

This. I can't imagine my husband talking to someone about me as "she's a nightmare".

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