Feel like another species

[AllSoComplicated]

I didn't know what to call this thread but feeling very down and wanted to put my thoughts down somewhere.

Basic backstory, was with ex husband for 14 years. It was emotionally abusive and coercive, including sexually at times.

I have one child who is 11.

After exh, I was single for a long time and then met someone who I feel hugely for. We were together about 18months. It ended at lockdown in 2020. I was devastated. I tried blocking him and going no contact but he pulled me back in. Had lots of conversations about getting back together and thought we would but as I was trying to have better boundaries, it hasn't happened. He won't give me any reassurance. He is a commitment phobe. But he still rings me daily and I know I still love him.

On top of all this, I now have a chronic illness and I can't do the things I used to do. When my child is with their dad, I'm just alone, resting.

I increasingly long for my ex bf but I feel too vulnerable to say to him to come see me. I know he'd come but he won't offer me anything. I will likely get hurt and in can't cope with the emotional fallout.

But I just feel like ...sort of like not part of the world..or not a woman..or something like other people can have relationships but I can't.

I have counselling but I end up in this way often still. After exh, I just switched it all off and it felt a relief to rule myself out. But now I feel ruled out, not because I want to but because I genuinely don't see how anyone could want me. I just don't feel like other people.

It's feeling bad at the moment as my single mum friend/neighbour has just met someone and is all smitten. I'm happy for her, but it was just so easy for her. I knew it would be. I see her and she's pretty and fun and nice. I just feel difficult and just embarrassed at the thought that I could even think anyone could find me attractive. I just look out my window and everyone has someone. I feel lonely but also feel like it has to be like this. Like this is my lot.

I think I may have always felt like this.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so down at the moment, that’s a lot to deal with.

Please don’t go back to your ex, it will be a temporary relief but it will destroy you long term. It may sound harsh, but no contact is the only way to move on from him.

Have you tried a different therapist? I went through a fair few before I found one that I think may be helping me, although I’ve only just started with her but I feel much more positive that with previous therapists. I think it’s important to find one that can help you with specific things like the trauma from your marriage, abuse and the low self esteem it sounds like you’re suffering with?

You are absolutely not a write off, but it does sound like you need to focus on you for a while x

@SophSoSo Thank you for replying. I don't know why I'm so low this weekend particularly. Nothing has especially happened.

Exh and I split years ago. I did the work and have moved on and my therapist helped me hugely. I haven't had a session for a while though have one booked soon.

It sounds daft but the upcoming street party reminds me of 2020 VE day and I was sobbing my heart out over ex bf then and I haven't really moved on. But I feel I have so few people in my corner, pushing him away feels too hard.

My self esteem is really low. Maybe it's been knocked by this illness but not sure how to make it get any better.

I'm in my late forties and most people I know have been in relationships for a decade or two. I just feel like that could never have been me. I look at my best friend who has been with her husband for nearly 30 years and just cannot imagine it's possible for anyone to ever love me like that.

I feel like people see me alone and it just shows there's something wrong with me

I’m glad to hear the therapy worked previously, and well done for leaving an abusive relationship that must have been incredibly hard.

Im in a similar situation- my marriage (not abusive) broke down three years ago, I went on to meet a much younger man who I fell hard for, he was abusive and just completely ghosted me almost 6 weeks ago now. I don’t ever want to see him or speak to him again, but it still hurts and being discarded like that really does make you feel like shit! I don’t know where all the decent men are I really don’t.

I understand what you mean regarding not having many people around you, but is he not bringing you down further? When you’re ready it might be better to just rip the plaster off, you already know it won’t work long term and being in contact is almost like death by a thousand cuts. It really is better to have nobody around you than have the wrong people around, I felt much more lonely when I was with my abusive ex than I do now and I don’t have a big family or lots of friends around me.

Dont pay too much attention to your friends relationships, many long term couples aren’t as happy as they may seem, and even if they are happy it doesn’t mean you won’t be. Several of my friends left marriages in their late 40’s and 50’s and went on to meet new partners. There is nothing wrong with you, I promise.

It really is a cliche and I cringe as I type but you need to really look after you now for a while. Find things you enjoy doing, even if it’s just reading or putting a film on - lots of tiny, nice things just for you. There are tons of videos online about toxic relationships and building self esteem, I know it feels like a mountain but all you need to do is start taking little steps.

You do deserve love, but you won’t find it with this man; he’ll never be what you want and you’ll blame yourself when the reality is it’s nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

Is the illness something that is likely to improve in time? X

Thank you @SophSoSo you are really kind. Your stoopid ex bf was not deserving of you and if he was capable of ghosting you like that we'll, it's horrible but he's done by you a favour.

My condition may improve or may get worse. There's no effective treatment just pot luck with alternative therapies and rest (it's ME). It's very isolating and it just got to me yesterday. Too much in my own head.

Funny how things creep up on you. I've been fine with this ridiculous situation with exbf for months then it suddenly feels not fine.

But I really appreciate your words. I needed to hear them

He doesn’t deserve me, you’re right and yours doesn’t deserve you either!

Hope today is a better day for you 💐

He won't give me any reassurance. He is a commitment phobe. But he still rings me daily and I know I still love him.
You won't be able to heal & start moving forward until you get this man out of your head.
He is not your friend.
He cannot or will not give you what you want, but he enjoys keeping you on a string.
He is waiting until you cave & agree to NSA.
That will make you feel even worse.
You need to stop all communication with him.
One final text "we're obviously not compatible so I am moving on & wish you well" ... then BLOCK.

I feel lonely but also feel like it has to be like this. Like this is my lot.
I think I may have always felt like this.
I suspect you felt very differently from this before you endured a long abusive relationship.
I think the loss of this recent relationship, & the pain of being jerked around by a commitment-phobe who simultaneously refuses to do the decent thing & let you go, has brought you back to a similar low place, & similar low, negative thoughts, as you experienced after escaping your abuser.

You need to lose these daily phone calls. You need to lose this man altogther.
Then get yourself back into therapy. Not counselling - expert therapy, to help you come to terms with the damage done to you by your abusive ex, which is still holding you back from finding contentment within yourself now.

No new man is going to 'heal you'.
That only comes from within.
Make a commitment to yourself. Find an therapist who has expertise with abusive relationships. Write yourself a little programme of self-fulfilment to go alongside that - making time for a hobby - something that you used to love, or something that you always wanted to try & never got around to. Read up on recovery, & self-worth, & personal assertiveness.

This book is an oldie but goodie - a really nice place to start -
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

You can do this OP. Millions of women have recovered from abuse.
One of the best things you can do for yourself is to find out what you love doing ... & do it. For you, no one else.

Thanks @KettrickenSmiled . I've been better since yesterday because I'm busy with work. Too much time alone and feeling poorly a lot has a lot to answer for.

He's noticed I'm being quiet. Not spoken to him for a few days.

I have 'done the work' about my abusive exh and I think you're right, this relationship with ex bf brought up some similar issues in a different way. I wonder if you might be right about finding a new therapist but the support and familiarity of my counsellor is a comfort. I've worked with him for years now.

I have taken in what you wrote though and will think about it. Thank you.

I wonder if you might be right about finding a new therapist but the support and familiarity of my counsellor is a comfort. I've worked with him for years now.

Ah, apologies if I missed that previously. Ignore my previous - if your counsellor is working for you, stick with them!

He's noticed I'm being quiet. Not spoken to him for a few days.
Does it feel like to large a step to wish him well, say goodbye, & block him?
If so, maybe that's one to tackle with your counsellor. Not to MAKE you do it! - but to try looking at it from all angles, & finding out where the point of optimum comfort is for you. You may come to the conclusion that phone calls from him are just drawing out the pain of not having the relationship you wanted with him. If so, the momentary discomfort of finishing with him completely will seem small by comparison.

Your counsellor can help you come to an honest assessment of what your 'blocks' to finishing with this man entirely are. Because I think you will heal much faster without him in your life ... but that's only my opinion, you must do what works for YOU. xx

@KettrickenSmiled thank you, yes, I've been over this ground before but it's a strange thing. I did block him and tried to let him go when we split up in 2020. My phone though tells you if a blocked number has messaged so when I had a bunch of messages I caved in when I was unwell and we started speaking again. He sounded like he wanted me back. We met up. We cried. We met up again. But he didn't really say anything about moving forward or getting back together.

He's not a player. There's nobody else. He's just a commitment phobe. But I don't want to live together or want those things you want when you're young. I just want committment to the relationship. I had spoken to my counsellor and I was putting my boundaries in more firmly.

So I haven't seen him for 18 months. Because he wouldn't say what he wanted or what his intentions are if I were to see him. Which sounds ridiculous. Clearly we are not in a relationship. But he behaves like we are. Rings me all the time. Several times a day sometimes. And we have intimacy and feel emotionally close, and yet we are not. It isn't real.

And out of nowhere, reality has just slapped me in the face this weekend. I'm not even sure why.

We just spoke on the phone and I felt weirdly detached and said some stuff. He was a bit defensive, because my timing is shit and I know he didn't want to talk but I'm in a fuck it mood. So I sighed and told him I was going to ring off.

So, that's that. I can't quite believe we won't talk anymore but can't quite see what I am doing if I do. I miss him very much but I guess he doesn't feel the same or he wouldn't risk losing me. I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing.

Can't stop crying. This is ridiculous. I think it's peri hormones. FFS. How come I've been fine and now reality has just hit me out of nowhere?

Sorry, I'm just shouting into the void and being very self indulgent. 🤦🏻

My dear OP you say he's not a player ...
So I haven't seen him for 18 months. Because he wouldn't say what he wanted or what his intentions are if I were to see him. Which sounds ridiculous. Clearly we are not in a relationship. But he behaves like we are. Rings me all the time. Several times a day sometimes. And we have intimacy and feel emotionally close, and yet we are not. It isn't real.
... but he's playing YOU.

And out of nowhere, reality has just slapped me in the face this weekend. I'm not even sure why.
It's not out of nowhere. You've been processing this via counselling, & this is the counselling paying off. Also - give yourself credit for you own good instincts. This 'situationship' is not good for you.
Your head has finally caught up with your heart & given it a good talking to, is all!

We just spoke on the phone and I felt weirdly detached and said some stuff. He was a bit defensive, because my timing is shit and I know he didn't want to talk but I'm in a fuck it mood. So I sighed and told him I was going to ring off.

So, that's that. I can't quite believe we won't talk anymore
Apologies for labouring this point, so if I am coming over as hectoring please take me with a pinch of salt ... but in what way does that phone exchange indicate that you two are not going to talk anymore?

It's quite a ...passive approach from you. Because from what you recorded, it seems nothing was decided one way or another.
If you are now feeling that YOU won't hear from HIM because he's pissed off that you dared to be a bit ratty, that is worrying. It suggests that you defer to his authority on how your situationship is conducted & hands him all the control over whether he 'bothers' with talking to you. If that hits home ... please address it with your counsellor, ok?

If I've got that wrong, & it's YOU who is no longer going to contact HIM - then grand, & well done for taking back your own power!
Although ... beware this - I caved in when I was unwell and we started speaking again -
If you were a recovering junkie, would you keep heroin in the house?

Again - I'm not trying to dictate to you! - but am concerned that you are kinda allowing this Situationship to happen 'at you', rather than being a full & equal decision maker in what you actually want. And I suspect that a definitive decision, by you, about once & for all cutting this to-&-fro, is-it-isn't-it man out of your life will mean a huge sea-change for you in terms of taking back your own power.

Sorry, I'm just shouting into the void and being very self indulgent.
No need to apologise, it's a human need, & no you are not.
It's what this forum is FOR!
You look after yourself today. Yesterday's phone call must have been unsettling. It's really not worth allowing this man to wrench your emotions around like this, He's not going to change, he's not going to give you the relationship you want, & keeping him in your life is detrimental to your wellbeing.
Sorry! lecture over

@KettrickenSmiled thank you for the talking to, it really does help.

No it's me that is feeling like I don't know how I can carry on speaking to him. And that really really hurts to say that. I think I just always thought somewhere in my head there was the possibility we'd get back together. He has at least let me think it, I think.

When we split up, I got to this point in the weeks afterwards when I just couldn't do it. And then he really tried to get me back to talk to him. Hinted we could work it out but when we met up, despite some affection and talking... nothing came of it. I just felt downgraded. I told him I couldn't do friends or friends with benefits and he said that wasn't what he wanted either, so yes, situationship does cover it. We talk every day, often several times a day. It's not a friendship and it's not a relationship. And I don't know how to be just his friend with this level of intimacy and contact.

But when I said I didn't understand it and it's not normal...I got the 'well what is normal? ' defensive nonsense. He tried to say that he was hearing me wanting him to fix things (me?) And he couldn't do that, it's for me to fix Which really pissed me off. I feel a bit gaslighted. And I know what that is from before. I know he's given me mixed signals and having feelings of rejection is of course my issue but doesn't mean he doesn't bear any responsibility for his behaviour.

He's never said "here's the deal" and I had an informed choice. You're right, I have been passive because I've felt like I couldn't cope with the emotional fall out. I've just been kicking the can down the road.

Anyway, sorry for the long replies... don't feel you have to read them. It's just helping me sort my head out.

No it's me that is feeling like I don't know how I can carry on speaking to him.
Good. Another sound instinct.

And that really really hurts to say that. I think I just always thought somewhere in my head there was the possibility we'd get back together. He has at least let me think it, I think.
Well done. Yes, it's painful. But it's short-term pain, compared to the long-drawn out pain of the unfortunate status quo.
And its not "at least let me think it". He engineered it. Whether consciously or through thoughtlessness is immaterial: at this stage, it is the effect on you that needs addressing, not his intent.

When we split up, I got to this point in the weeks afterwards when I just couldn't do it. And then he really tried to get me back to talk to him.
Bastard. 😡
Selfish, manipulative bastard.
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/
Hinted we could work it out but when we met up, despite some affection and talking... nothing came of it. I just felt downgraded.
www.goodtherapy.org/blog/idealize-devalue-discard-the-dizzying-cycle-of-narcissism-0325154
I told him I couldn't do friends or friends with benefits and he said that wasn't what he wanted either, so yes, situationship does cover it. We talk every day, often several times a day. It's not a friendship and it's not a relationship.
He told you what you wanted to hear: WORDS
But continued behaving in exactly the same way, leaving you still feeling adrift & undervalued: BEHAVIOUR

And I don't know how to be just his friend with this level of intimacy and contact.
Because he is refusing to allow you to define the relationship under terms that you would find comfortable. He is expert in manipulating you into accepting the terms HE wants though.

But when I said I didn't understand it and it's not normal...I got the 'well what is normal? ' defensive nonsense.
Deflection.
See Alexander "Boris" Johnson. Common theme? - accomplished, brazen liars.

He tried to say that he was hearing me wanting him to fix things (me?) And he couldn't do that, it's for me to fix Which really pissed me off. I feel a bit gaslighted.
This is quite nasty. And yeah, it IS gaslighting.
Asking someone if they want to be in a relationship is not a request that they "fix" you. This is a subtle DARVO to make you imagine that YOUR request is somehow unfair & that YOU are the unreasonable one.
See also 'negging'.
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

And I know what that is from before. I know he's given me mixed signals and having feelings of rejection is of course my issue but doesn't mean he doesn't bear any responsibility for his behaviour.
I don't think you can blame yourself for feeling rejected, when someone has so plainly rejected you!
The trouble is, while he DOES reject your desire for a relationship, he continues to act in ways that make you feel like there may be a chance of one.
Worse than this, that any failure to progress to one must of course be YOUR failing.
When the only thing that is preventing you being in a relationship with him is his simultaneous desire to avoid one, but hold onto you on his own terms.

He's never said "here's the deal" and I had an informed choice. You're right, I have been passive because I've felt like I couldn't cope with the emotional fall out. I've just been kicking the can down the road.
Totally understandable.
I think you are amazingly clear-sighted, but simply have a misplaced hang-up on a man who - for all his no doubt interesting & valuable points - is a walking red flag re: sustaining emotional bonds or dealing with you honestly.

btw the links - I am not calling him a narcissist, but oh how my nose is twitching the framework is a useful one for attaining clarity on the dynamic.
Here's one more, which you might find helps with unpicking the 'pull' you have toward this unsuitable man, & why it has been so hard to walk away - www.verywellhealth.com/trauma-bonding-5210779

Anyway, sorry for the long replies... don't feel you have to read them. It's just helping me sort my head out.
You are really interesting to talk with. You obviously have so much about you - and so much to give - this may be a cliche but it genuinely is his loss.
You can't keep getting fucked about like this, & you could be meeting new friends or even viable potential boyfriends in all the hours you are spending talking with this selfish man who cannot/will not give you what you want.

Thank you @KettrickenSmiled

Sorry to bang on again. Everyone can just ignore me if I'm too tedious I suppose.

I'm thinking about what you said about being a junkie.@KettrickenSmiled It does kind of feel that way. I've not heard a thing from him and I am craving some/any attention from him. I know I said to him that I wasn't going to chat for a bit but I'm feeling awful. Like he just shrugged and said ok ,see ya!

But he knows I'm down. Surely if he cared so much like he said he would see how I am. Which is stupid.

I was at our street party last night. I was the only person there who didn't have a loving partner. I feel self-conscious and unlovable and embarrassed and ugly.

Sorry for the self pity.