Feeling guilt & shame - cannot stop obsessing and it's ruining my life

[User183913]

Hi all, I am just looking for any advice or words if possible as I don't know who to turn to.

I have been in a relationship since January, with someone I had a 6 month breakup with last year, then we got back together and things had changed majorly. I was speaking to people before we got back together as I am 23 and didn't want to stay stuck in that depressive episode as I've seen many people do, but never actually met anyone/dated. Everything was purely texting/online.

There was one person I spoke with on Instagram on/off every few weeks - I live in the UK and he lives in Australia. usually the content was sexting as we both had a common interest to do with this but it was never serious, if that makes sense. We never really spoke about anything serious or normal in our lives. I just enjoyed the attention after such a hit to my self esteem after being dumped.

Anyway - he messaged me in March, and unfortunately this led to sexting. In this time, my partner was working away and I had just had a termination, this is NO excuse but my headspace was absolutely everywhere. I have a fear of rejecting men incase they turn bitter as I had a really bad experience as a teen, so I stupidly went along with it for a few messages and then it stopped. I have felt guilt from the moment this happened. I removed the guy and made a new account, to which he tried to follow and message me weeks later and I told him I have a boyfriend now and he was very respectful of that. This was 5 weeks ago.

But since then, I have been ruminating and obsessing that this guy from Aus will magically find out who my boyfriend is in the UK, even though my boyfriend has NO social media and will tell him. Or he will, by luck, memorise my followers and message someone asking about my relationship and tell them (I have 1 follower who knows my bf out of hundreds). I feel so awful to the point I'm making myself unwell and just not coping well at all.

I vent to my friends who reassure me the above would never happen but my brain is just convinced itself so much that it feels.. real. I am in a really bad way and would never, ever do this again. I don't know what else to do. I feel like the worst person alive.

You are feeling guilty. The guilt is making you feel paranoid and that’s leading to stress.
No one can tell you for sure if this other guy will somehow contact your bf but I doubt he will. He contacted you again because he didn’t know you had a boyfriend. Now he does so I think he will just leave you alone.
Now you need to decide what to do, you can be honest with your bf or you can leave it. Only you can decide this sadly. Your bf will be upset but you know him best so you will know if it’s likely to end your relationship or if he will need some space but later forgive.

Have you thought about telling your BF?

Sounds like you're feeling guilty and a good way out of that is to own up to the mistake, take responsibility and accept any consequences.