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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does it get better?

9 replies

reddonkey · 29/05/2022 18:26

Sorry if this is a bit garbled, head is all over the place! I'm posting here because there is no one I can talk to in real life.

I have been with my partner 18 years. We are both in late 30s and have young children together.

My partner is a great man and a great dad, I love him dearly and we have had some wonderful time together.

However I have recently been feeling really unloved. He is a really bad communicator so when things have come up in the past he won't talk about them or deal with them so I think this is all just a build up over time. Ultimately I feel like he is with me for convenience not for love.

The build up of things that have made me feel like this are:

Not protecting me or my space with family when we have had new borns - usual overbearinf family stuff around babies but just needed him to speak up and tell everyone to back off a little/back me up when i said something. I did tell him this at the time.

  • never ends a text with an x
  • will not support a change in job for me (I would have had a job to go to which I wanted, he just didn't want me to).
  • would rather spend evenings separately (I'm ok with this mostly but have asked for 1 eve a week to spend together.)
  • when I had a miscarriage last year I needed some time to recover but he refused to cancel family coming over , I agreed that I was OK with it so long as they were told what had happened so that I didn't have to cover up, he wouldn't tell them.
-geberally dismisses any ideas I have about pretty much anything from as small as where to go for a dog walk to as big as the job thing.
  • rejects intimacy of any kind - he says this is because he is self conscious, but in turn has made me feel really unattractive.

It's hard to put into words, overall i just have this feeling that he isn't in love any more.

Do I sound really petty?
Is this just adulting

Has anyone felt similar before and it got better?

OP posts:
Staynow · 29/05/2022 18:39

You have no intimacy and he wants to spend no time with you? That sounds like a non relationship to me. It sounds really horrible OP. The problem when someone refuses to communicate about anything is that nothing can ever be resolved. I was in a relationship that sounds very similar to this, turned out it was a marriage of convenience for him and he'd actually never been in love with me, he did lots of 'nice' things too which is why I stayed and had no idea - but the complete lack of interest in doing things together (although he would if I asked) and the refusal to communicate (he'd just deny/lie/gas light) meant I ended up feeling so alone. 24 years after we first met he told me he'd never loved me.

Sorry I don't have better news OP.

Original poster
reddonkey · 30/05/2022 08:26

Thankyou for replying. It's really difficult. I know in my heart what the right thing to do is but I also know people around me won't understand as he is such a nice man.

Part of me hoped people came here to say they had been in similar situations and it did get better and it was just a phase!

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 30/05/2022 08:33

The “such a nice man” thing is horrible because you’re left thinking people won’t get why you want to leave. In the meantime your soul slowly dies through lack of closeness and intimacy.

His lack of attention to your needs and unwillingness to discuss issues aren’t going to resolve themselves without intervention of some kind. I’m guessing he won’t talk with you or look at counselling together?

PetersRabbitt · 30/05/2022 08:36

Place marking as I’m interested in hearing others experience. I’m going through the same thing, and the part about others not getting it because his such a nice guy really hits home with me. His causing the problems and won’t address it but I’m going to look like the bad one if I break us up.

OutDamnedSpot · 30/05/2022 08:46

He really doesn’t sound like a nice man.

Have you asked him about these things? Would you be able to suggest counselling to talk it all through? It sounds like you’d really benefit from support with expressing this to him.

KangarooKenny · 30/05/2022 08:47

He does not sound nice at all.
Get your ducks in a row now for when you are ready to go.

coconuthead · 30/05/2022 20:39

No this isn't normal OP, I wouldn't be happy living like this. Why did you need his approval to change jobs?

Lollypop701 · 30/05/2022 20:56

He might be a nice man to everyone else but he isn’t to you , he doesn’t live with them he lives with you. Of course they thinks he’s bloody lovely, he puts them first, makes them special. He should be doing that for you!!!! He enjoys the ego stroking from everyone , but not true intimacy with you. Sorry but the only person who needs to think their partner is wonderful is you…

Original poster
reddonkey · 06/06/2022 18:54

Thanks for all the replies. Sorry for my delay, couldn't find the words.

We had a long heart to heart (first in years) when I explained how I felt and why, he was really upset, couldn't believe that's how he'd made me feel and hadn't even noticed allot of the behaviours that had become habit.

We have agreed ways that we would like things to be and both committed to working on it.

Here is hoping that the tide will change.

OP posts:
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