I need some feedback on my recent (show lived) relationship. Thanks!

[Sandra1984]

Hello,

This is my first time posting and I just wanted some feedback on my last short lived (3 months) relationship as I’m feeling quite lost at the moment.

I started dating John (not his real name) 4 months ago. I was flattered that a 10 years younger than me (and very handsome) lad would take an interest on me. From the very beginning he told me all his relationships had been abusive and women had always taken advantage of his kindness. I thought “Poor Johnny” and felt sorry for him. His last one had ended badly when the ex kicked him out of the house and pressed a restraining order against him. He said she was bitter and acted out of revenge and that HE was the real victim. I was only hearing one side of the story so didn’t really know what to make out of it. Police eventually dropped charges.

During our relationship John proved to be a very controlling, insecure and needy man, he also had some anger issues. Things had to be “his way or the highway”. I felt he was not treating me the way I deserved and we clashed a lot. I’m quite independent with a strong personality and I felt he had issues with not controlling the narrative of our relationship. I’m not a big fan of drama and tend to remain friends with my ex’s so after 3 months we decided to break up on mutual agreement as it was not working out for us. I wished him the best and that was that. Good bye Johnny.

Now I’m trying to wrap my head around the whole thing as things make no sense for me. He told me he had been abused by women all his life and played the victim card but that was not my personal experience with him, the man turned out to be quite a bully and a misogynist.

Did I do something wrong? How come a man who claims to be a “victim to women” turn out to be such a jer-k?
Is this normal? Sorry I’m so confused and trying to make sense of the whole thing so I don’t step again on the same stone in the future.

thanks.

As you said, you only heard his side of the story. I reckon if you spoke to his exes they would have had a very similar experience to you and he’s turned it round to make him the victim - you don’t get a restraining order for nothing. Sounds to me like you got the hell out in the nick of time!

Please be assured you did nothing wrong. It would be very unlikely a woman would go to the lengths of getting a restraining order taken out against a man simply for "revenge" (it's a stressful process), and it's also his word against hers that the charges were actually dropped. Regardless of whether the charges were dropped, he sounds like a misogynist and master-manipulator.

News Flash! Controlling man lies about being a victim. DARVO anyone?

It's very common for abusers to claim to be victims.

As the saying goes - beware the man eith the 'crazy ex'.

You should probably have thought, hang on, ALL his exs were evil? Whats more likely, that? Or that there's some victim mentality with him?

Also, if a man tells to his ex took a retaining order our against him...you fucking run op! Run like the bloody wind.

It is worrying that you ate sat wondering what is wrong with you. When this guy had enough red flags to hold a communist rally and naturally therefore, turned out to be a controlling nightmare.

You need to read up as much as possible on how to spot abusers before dating again. Keep reading about it all your life as there are many ways these sorts present themselves. The only thing wrong with you is lack of knowledge. And arguably, boundaries than need adjusting. But as you learn more, that will help with thr later issues.

When people tell you who they are (eg: my exs all hate me, my sister says I'm a narcissis and maybe she is right, people don't seem to like me very much ect...). LISTEN. And run.

Read between the lines. He's got serious issues. You've had a lucky escape. Move on.

People who are narcissistic are almost unable to take the blame for their own mistakes or behaviour but need to control the narrative, they cannot compromise. Blind to their own behaviour it is always someone else's fault and never them to blame. They are the victim and in the right, always- it is very black and white to them. Restraining orders are not taken out lightly so I think you have done the right thing here and had a lucky escape.