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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it possible for your DP/DH to make you depressed?

35 replies

FedupQqq · 29/05/2022 12:44

he is just so miserable. He’s never been a beacon of positivity but he can be so difficult.

I can chat about anything at all and I will be often met with a one word answer.

we’ve been in the car the last half hour and he’s not said a word except sigh and intermittently shake his head. I’ve no idea why as I’ve stopped asking. He will say something like he’s tired or he’s hungry or he’s thinking about work.

i am so sad. When I’m with friends I am chatty and engaging and feel like a different person. Unfortunately I can’t just leave right now but I am taking steps to.

just wanted to vent really.

OP posts:
Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 29/05/2022 14:10

Being in a shit relationship with a dickhead can absolutely make you depressed, anxious and generally miserable. Just keep focusing on the utter joy you will feel when you are finally free of it (and you will feel that 😊 ).

DPotter · 29/05/2022 14:25

Yes - it is most definitely possible. Happened to me.

DP who refused to acknowledge his depression and refused to seek help. Ground me down to extent I started having counselling. Counsellor suggested I may be depressed - was an eye opener for me. Bad enough living with someone who refuses to acknowledge a problem and to do something about it - but I was getting treatment for HIS depression.

I'm pleased you're planning for the future. All power to you

restedbutexhausted · 29/05/2022 14:38

Yes it's definitely possible.

I think it's what drove me to separate from DH last year. I think we both made each other miserable because neither of us could be what the other wanted. We had both grown apart in the relationship.

me4real · 29/05/2022 14:48

Of course your partner can cause depression by making your life miserable. The writer of Anne of Green Gables took her own life because her depressive husband made her life so grim and she didn't feel she could leave.

Nowadays women can leave more easily.

Please do iif he's making your life shit.

Original poster
FedupQqq · 29/05/2022 18:55

its honestly unbearable at times. My parents paid for a three course meal for him/us today and whilst he managed to chat a little and said thank you, I’ve been subjected to head in hands at traffic lights on the way back, lots of sighing, shaking of the head

an absolute utter misery to be around

dont know how to deal with it!

OP posts:
me4real · 29/05/2022 19:44

dont know how to deal with it!

Plan your escape/separation @FedupQqq . Your life doesn't have to be this way. Please separate from him ASAP. xx

Original poster
FedupQqq · 29/05/2022 20:29

I am so unhappy.

OP posts:
LockdownLisa · 29/05/2022 20:32

So what's stopping you from leaving now? Money? Children?

Attwoodsladyfriend · 29/05/2022 20:54

Fuck him off. He’s ruining your life.

Original poster
FedupQqq · 29/05/2022 20:55

@LockdownLisa 5 months pregnant

OP posts:
Cyberworrier · 29/05/2022 21:03

I'm so sorry you're in this position OP. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Do your parents have any idea how unhappy you are with your husband? Or friends?

toddlingabout · 29/05/2022 21:17

How long has he been like this? Is he struggling to come to terms with how his life is going to change with a baby on the way? If you're pregnant I'd imagine it's worth giving it a chance, having a frank chat with him about how his attitude is making you feel and asking him to go to the gp and get counselling etc. Go to relate with him as well.... and get your escape plan in place for if none of it works.

Original poster
FedupQqq · 29/05/2022 21:19

@Cyberworrier we are not married. Nobody knows the extent of what he’s like. He has a v good job and all that so can come across well.

@toddlingabout hes always been like it but just not like this. It’s not related to the pregnancy. I try so hard and he’s just miserable.

OP posts:
Cyberworrier · 29/05/2022 21:30

Sorry, my mistake. Sounds really tough if no one really knows what it's like at home. What are you thinking of doing? Would he go for couples therapy?
I hope you can open up a bit to someone in real life, I know it's really difficult but it sounds like you are so unhappy and it might help to have someone to talk to about it.

Original poster
FedupQqq · 29/05/2022 21:40

@Cyberworrier hes just so cruel. He will shoot down any nice plans I suggest and literally sit with a horrible look on his face. He gets home from work and is miserable. It’s relentless.

OP posts:
Original poster
FedupQqq · 29/05/2022 21:41

He won’t go to therapy. Only apologies when I’m in tears and at rock bottom.

OP posts:
Readtheroom · 29/05/2022 21:42

Following with interest

Cyberworrier · 29/05/2022 21:43

I'm sorry. That's horrible. Are you considering ending the relationship? It sounds very unhealthy and unsustainable, it's so hard to live without kindness with another person. It's more lonely than being alone.

cantbelieveheletmedown · 29/05/2022 21:43

Yes! Currently going through hell with his shitty behaviour. Receiving support and meds from GP after overdosing.

Cyberworrier · 29/05/2022 21:44

@DPotter your account resonated with me about getting therapy for someone else's depression. Can I ask what happened?

CrystalCoco · 29/05/2022 21:47

He's checked out of the relationship.

Basically he just can't be arsed to even be civil or give you the time of day.
You / he can hang it on depression if that suits, but ultimately he's just being a shit person to be around.

Alcemeg · 29/05/2022 22:08

This is horrible, OP, this is not what life's about.

For him to behave like this is, at best, selfish... and could be deliberate sabotage of your potential happiness. My DH#1 was a bit like that. I never really understood why he had to poison situations, but have a vague hunch that because he found it hard to enjoy life, he'd do his best to make sure I didn't either. It was like an odd spin on that "If I can't have her, no one will" thing that blokes do when slaughtering the family.

Anyway, who cares why he is being such a twat on a permanent basis?! Life is too short to deal with this kind of nonsense.

Actually, I should say: Life can be too long to deal with this kind of nonsense. On her 50th wedding anniversary, my mum made dark jokes about how dull it is living with my dad. They "celebrate" their 70th anniversary soon...

Your life, not his, is your responsibility. Flowers

Afterfire · 29/05/2022 22:15

I had an ex just like this. I left when dd was 6 months old - she’s now 19. If you can’t leave right now squirrel away every bit of money you can into a separate secret account so you have a little running away fund and then when the time is right whoosh off you go. He’s never going to change.

Original poster
FedupQqq · 29/05/2022 22:19

Thanks for your support. I am desperate to be away from him he is so toxic and miserable. I need time to do it. Just so sad.

OP posts:
Mahanii · 29/05/2022 22:22

I thought I was depressed for most of the 7 years I was with my ex. Turns out, I'm not depressed, but I was absorbing his misery and expending all my energy trying to keep him happy, which was an impossible task.

Several years later, I'm an extremely cheerful and positive person - back to who I was in my 20s before meeting him. He is still miserable, negative, difficult, defeatist. Our children, who had also begun to absorb his misery, have bounced back.

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