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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating, found a spark now massively insecure - Help!

8 replies

Applejack12 · 29/05/2022 11:27

Hi all, it’s been 3 years and my divorce has come through. Controlling ex, cheating etc. still in my life as co-parent but getting there. I have had a couple of situationships in the interim, both with guys I did not have a spark with, was kind of ‘safe’ as I knew I wouldn’t get hurt. Mean on them. I know, but I was always honest. Was casual but exclusive and when I realised they wanted more I ended it. However, I’ve been single now for 6 months and I want to try dating again. I don’t want heavy but I genuinely want to look for my ‘person’. Went on dating apps again chatted to a few, met a couple but no one gave me that ‘spark’. I’ve now matched with someone and it’s really early days, we have messaged, video called and definitely have that ‘spark’ (well for me). I’ve not had that in a very long time. However, he isn’t after anything heavy either as he has had a bit of a time with his ex and has sole custody of his children and a busy life. However, my issue is, that I can’t stop thinking about him, racing ahead, feel like I’m going crazy and I haven’t even met him other than video call. I do know he checks out (local ish so easy to check) but I'm thinking of jacking it all in because of how I’m feeling and giving up as I’m insecure and hate feeling like this. This makes me sad and depressed. He has done nothing other than be normal. It’s all me, what is wrong with me! Any advice 😔

OP posts:
Kottontail · 29/05/2022 12:00

Hi, no, don't pack it in just yet. I was single for years, met a man two years ago online. His profile had " NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP " in bold capitals!!!!
We chatted for 5 days, met up and I can honestly say we have the most amazing relationship 2 years on. You just never know what's going to happen!

Pinkbonbon · 29/05/2022 12:26

OK so putting aside that you have not mat in person and may fins that whe you do, the spark isn't actually there.

Here the thing op...you might end up wanting a relationship with this person and he has already told you that's not on the cards. Can you handle this if you develop a mad crush and it turns out he only wanted a fling?

I think you need to be very clear about what you both mean by 'nothing serious'. Because for women it often means fun, company and friendship and a little romance. Qnd for some guys...it just means love bombing you, shagging you and then ghosting. Or worse, acting like they've fallen dor you in order to get you to fall for them...and then making you out to be the one who didn't stick to the agreement. So, be very careful.

I personally would be very careful with vague 'not looking good for anything serious' sort of dating right now. Unless you just want a quick fling. As it's murkey territory and you dont 'need that after abuse.

I'd say, go on the date, find out what he wants specifically. See if its something you would be happy with. And be aware that if you are all smitten kitten and he doesn't want long term then that might be a disaster waiting to happen. But if youre on the same page - it could be great fun.

Applejack12 · 29/05/2022 12:52

That’s the thing. I’m not sure I can handle a heavy relationship myself, I’d want to be exclusive but have already said I have no intention of moving in with someone or that kind of relationship. I guess I just don’t want to get used. I’m worried I’m vulnerable. But I have to say, and I agree that can’t really tell until you meet but to have a spark like that just after a couple of video calls. All a bit crazy for me at least. Need to be brave and do the date. Just hate feeling like this, have pushed these feelings away for such a long time.

OP posts:
Applejack12 · 29/05/2022 23:11

New thread started ….didn’t end well and should have trusted my gut!

OP posts:
Applejack12 · 29/05/2022 23:11

New thread started ….didn’t end well and should have trusted my gut!

OP posts:
Applejack12 · 29/05/2022 23:15

….didn’t end well and should have trusted my gut!

OP posts:
Applejack12 · 29/05/2022 23:15

….didn’t end well and should have trusted my gut!

OP posts:
Applejack12 · 30/05/2022 01:09

….didn’t end well and should have trusted my gut!

OP posts:
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