When did you know it was definitely over ?

[Watchmego]

Hi
We have a nice home, young kids , but I don't think I love my husband. Do ye kiss your husband when he comes in from work ? He says I should and that I used to , but I'm too busy. I find there's alot of pressure, should it be like this. Or if I want to go out with my friends he says why do I need friends we have eachother. He doesn't do much other than work and come home, he doesn't have many friends , and he says he doesn't need friends he has us, so I get nervous even bringing up subject of meeting my friends for lunch. He never makes it easy for me. I tell him to go out get a hobby, but then he accuses me of trying to get rid of him, which maybe I am, I just don't know. I never want to have sex with him , which I understand is frustrating for him, so he has circled days in the diary we have to do it. I just find it all so pressurised, is this normal? I feel smothered

Circled days in his diary? What is he? I'm going threw a massive break up at the moment and I'm in a mess we stopped kissing each other when he came in from work he was distant told me he wasn't they hit me with he doesn't love me anymore but just wants to come and have sex with me and leave again when the deed is done but my advise to you is it looks like it's not working out for soon as you need to question things you should be allowed to see friends don't let him run you down be honest with him don't lie to save yourself pressure your making yourself unhappy

When my partner comes home from work he comes to find me to kiss me just to sort of let me know he’s home I think? It doesn’t have to be like that though. But the asking why you need friends when you have each other is a red flag, you need friends and a social life outside your marriage. He doesn’t have to have friends but your aloud that choice. As for the circled dates in your diary on when yous have to have sex that is just controlling beyond belief. You do not have to put out so to speak anytime you don’t want to and it shouldn’t be arranged! (When we were ttc I would tell partner in advance of ovulation week but make it so he’s looking forward to it, not pressured). Op this is a miserable existence. Rip up that bloody diary and tell him you do NOT have to have sex on certain days, you do it when your feeling up to it. It’s not like putting the bloody bins out!!! I think you need to really consider if your willing to work through these (huge) problems or leave. I know it’s easier said from a stranger on the internet than it is to actually do it. But your being controlled sexually and physically and he’s mentally abusing you as well.

please seek out real life support and leave. X

He doesn't get to tell you you SHOULD kiss him.
He doesn't get to tell you you can't see your friends.
He doesn't get to circle days in your diary.
He doesn't get to dictate when you MUST have sex.

Sex is a mutually consenting activity.

It is well and truly over.

He sounds completely suffocating.

You're too busy to give him a kiss when he comes home from work??
I get that it is a red flag to expect him to be enough for you, but you are covered in red flags yourself.
Having sex is also a reasonable expectation. He needs to consider leaving you just as much as the other way round.
I've been with someone who didn't want me and it's fucking lonely.

It's over because he's a controlling arse.

I don't kiss DP when I come home from work (he WFH) but we touch a lot in every day life.
We want to touch each other and have sex and we want each other to enjoy life.

A relationship should enhance your life, not restrict it.

Thanks everyone, and I do understand that I am part of the problem too, not having the desire to have sex with him, or not going to kiss him when he comes home. I find it's all so much pressure, shouldn't be like this surely. He says having friends separates us and we should have couple friends we see together. I think iv fallen out of love now. Just very hard to get out.

OP I can 100% relate to everything you've said. Everything in my marriage is exactly the same! (aside from the circled calendars - my H just says "can we do it tonight?" To which I usually then make up an excuse not to have to do it.)

I just co-exist most of the time. Im not in love with him anymore, but feel trapped and don't want to split up because of the kids

I'm in the same boat op . The thing is we could of had a happy life together but he's got mental health issues and never stayed on his medication for monger than two weeks . Been with him 11 years and last night he decided to tell me he doesn't want this anymore and doesn't love me . I'm in work now but I have a feeling he will be fine by this afternoon . I'm really scared financially . We were supposed to be going in for a house sometime this year and with me paying most of the bills he's been able to save a substantial amount of money . Which I will not see a penny of and that is playing on my mind . I was in such a mess lastnight. I just got in my car and drove around for hours . Also I am so scared of being alone as I never have been since I was 15. I'm 35 now . We also don't have sex. And I know it's not fair on him . I just need to let him go but it's so hard x

Why will you not see a penny @watchagunado ? The starting point is 50/50 and go from there. No one should leave a long marriage with nothing.

It sound over already to me, and it sound like he actually knows it too.

Unless he has always tried to 'control' how you spend your free time and exactly when you will have sex ?

No-one should be 'controlled' like he is doing. You should be free to see your friends whenever you like, and he should be fully supportive and encouraging this, but he's not.

Maybe the reason he's not supporting you is because he already sees it's 'over' for you, and he's hoping that by forcing you to spend all your 'free' time with him and have regular (if forced) sex with you will somehow 'reconnect' you?

If that's not the case, then he actually thinks that you 'owe' him sex, which is a MASSIVE red bloody flag ! Because you 'owe' him bugger all ! Sex MUST be a mutually decided thing, NOT a 'right'.

But, in answer to your question 'how do you know if it's over ?'

For me, it was when I first felt my stomach 'drop' when I heard his key in the door coming home. No-one should ever stay in any relationship where they actually feel that.

I'm reckon your hubby and I are compatible

I'm not a friend person. I'm the type to say we have each other and have been working all day...we should look forward to getting home to spend time together.

I wouldn't be going up to bars etc with my mates....don't even do it when I'm single. Poss once a year if that

No, it’s not normal. He is controlling, you need to plan to end it.

I didn’t have just one moment when I knew…I had a few revelations. Like when I came home from A&E with a serious injury and I had him complaining about how he’d have to do everything around the house…when he got hammered on Christmas Eve and left me to do all the prep even though I was still recovering…when I realised that he’d say he was supportive about nights out/me exercising but then he’d always create drama. Read up about coercive control and see if it rings any bells.

I found it scary to move forward on my own, we’ve been together most of our adult lives…but actually it was scarier to think about staying in that dynamic forever. In the end, I called it a day. I’m sad it’s over (it’s hard for me to think about how we were when we first got together) but mostly I feel relieved.