Hi. In a quandary.
Recently (one month almost so head beginning to settle and am happier) had a relationship end with someone I loved and met just after lockdown which was a lonely experience for me when kids over at ex's. I live in an isolated area so no clapping etc!
So am ok just confused and have some guilt for ending it holding me back from healing/letting go of it fully I think. He is also saying he is very hurt which doesn't help. As if I have hurt him unreasonably.
Interested to know others take on this so I can perhaps stop beating myself up and accept that I have done the right thing (children involved...his more so than mine). It's a health and truth issue aside from anything which is what makes it so serious. There is no stigma in this at all. Just wanting to live a safe and honest life. And simple!
So we were together 9 months June 20 to March 21 when suddenly as lock down ended, he ended it without reason. And out of the blue.
We got back together in May and end of June he came out as bisexual. I gently nurtured the topic as best as I could (I loved him and am pretty open minded) with the backdrop that we were already in love and l trusted him he loved me.
He obviously struggled to tell me. And said it didn't affect us. He'd already a long time before mentioned that he'd experimented with men at uni but decided that lift was not for him or what he wanted.
So in the midst of a difficult divorce dragging on and in love with him (gentle, kind and fun) we continued. The relationship was quite one sided geography wise (me to his as he is a single parent while my children go to my ex a few nights a week) and sometimes I struggled with that imbalance but tried to look at the positives. I did however feel vulnerable as not in my community as much as I would have liked to be. His promises to come to me and my area once a week never turned into anything.
However, about 4 or 5 months after the bisexuality revelation, he said he did want to act on it. I said this is big stuff (and was scared if I said no, he would end it but also thought, we are both responsible and sensible adults, we can do this). Possibly I wasn't thinking straight, with stress of FDR looming etc (my ex is a lawyer which added a whole new layer of stress to it, including how to fund my case as I'd been SAHM).
Anyway, for whatever reason I said let me think before we move to this. Maybe talk after my divorce. But it dragged on so in April (post FDR) I told boyfriend to go ahead with preparation. We'd talked through boundaries and where it would happen, frequency, being discreet and safe etc etc. So he went to SHC and got tested for AIDS and arranged protection via PREP.
I still felt ok with it. Knowing he loved me. One day, my ex was being particularly difficult with the divorce, a final piece on inflation (difficult in current circumstances, we wanted him to pay it since April (I did outgoings back in November) but he refused and said would take men into court again and undo the whole deal unless I agreed. Which of course I did agree having taken 5 years to get to this point and also wanted to leave 5 years before that. Which he knew but wouldn't allow.
Anyway, brutal day. I text boyfriend it's all done, deal signed but am shattered! Nearly got taken to court (I'd been at work too and stressful doing big negotiating stuff while in that environment). Anyway, you can guess what happened next. After 9 months of being reasonable (maybe too), it all blew up. Probably due to my stress and euphoria mixed up - and the arrival of his pills - which he sent me a photo of, in my reply to text about divorce agreement being final.
As a drink at my home was cancelled, I had already decided on going to my boyfriends "to celebrate quietly" with my daughter and we hung out with his daughter (a rare thing but lovely).
Then he came back. I asked him why he hadn't responded to my texts about exciting new future for us both...bla bla bla...and it kicked off. All the confusion, hurt, fear and resentment (in us both perhaps) just came out. Nasty things were said and it felt toxic and scary. Not us at all. We pulled it back and had a lovely peaceful weekend (we'd planned one away with his kids) but that was that. We ended. Bruised.
I felt relief and I have a new life to look forward to. But am I being unreasonable to think it was a big ask and to suddenly feel scared at his pills arriving - and back out in a panic? There was more - I'd accidentally come across stuff in his computer a month ago (searched for "contract" and under my name (I'd used his because my laptop died and had no power cable but couldn't find where sth had saved to). And up came a document promising his wife (no longer) not to drink as it made him dangerous dated 11 years ago. And a spreadsheet comparing me with his wife - including marks out of ten - and a category re being ok with me being bisexual/being ok with me being actively bisexual. 🙈 also included hair which I got a 7 for. Kindness I scored low (7) which upset me in the circumstances.
Anyway, if anyone still reading AIBU to struggle with this. It felt unbalanced already and this made it tip too far? Understandable? Or selfish?