Low or no contact WWYD?

[GuiltyPleasure]

Apologies for the very long post, but I feel full explanation is relevant.

As background. My dad left the family home when I was 10 for my step mum. This was 40 years ago. Before he left, he introduced her to us as a work colleague, whilst I later realised were having an affair. He left my mum & I fully admit I took my mum's side, but for lots of reasons, even if I'd met her independently she was never going to be someone I would have liked (I'm aware this sounds judgemental).

During my teenage years our contact was once a week on a Friday night. Obviously as I got older Friday nights became my social nights, so direct contact dwindled.

As I left home, went to uni, lived in various parts of the country our contact became less & quite superficial. When I got married his condition of attending was that she was there as well. I went along with it all to placate everyone.

I moved back to my home town & contact became a bit more frequent. My mum died (the only time he stepped up as support for me)

My younger brother has Down's syndrome and lives in a care home. My dad's attitude on this has always been "he's happy there, I don't need to bother". Since my mum died, I've been his primary carer. I have no problem with this, he's my brother & I love him.

I have 3 children. My youngest has learning disabilities & severe autism. My dad said "put him in a home" that was really his attitude

Anyway contact has become lower & lower. I send birthday, Christmas cards etc. Absolutely nothing in return for at least 3 years. He's asked me why I don't visit & Ive been honest that I find it hard to bother when he's missed a lot of significant birthdays, not me but his grandchildren, 18th, 21st etc.

But in the last 6 months he's become ill, partly old age, some physical problems that have resulted in him being hospitalised, also increasing and obvious dementia. I admit that due to my low contact I hadn't been aware of some of this till after the event.

Over the last couple of weeks there's been a couple of phone calls, some explanation on both sides & an agreement that I'll phone him regularly each week at 6pm on a Sunday. Also I'll go and see him on his birthday in a couple of weeks.

Today I get a phone call from my step-mum. It started off with a "you need to see your dad" "he's so upset you don't see him, he's old & won't have long left". Within a minute the tone changed she started with "you're bloody disgusting, you're a disgrace" & ended with her slamming the phone down without me getting a word in.

To get to the point (thanks for staying with me till now!) I'm absolutely conflicted. I'm so angry at being spoken to like that. I know I'm not the best daughter, but he's a shit father. I hate her. He's always chosen her above us. He's made his choice. He's put all responsibility for my brother on to me. He has expressed abhorrent attitudes about the care of my brother and my disabled child.

But above all I'm still that 10 year old that loved her dad unconditionally & was left hurt & rejected. It feels like it's all come to a head & I just don't know where to go with it.

You are not alone in this. In a lot of ways I was like you only I was a little girl who just wanted her mum to love her instead of abusing me. It took me a awful lot of therapy to accept that it would never happen and go NC with both my parents (dad was also an abusive twat but was almost always at sea). I can't tell you what is best for you but I will say that when I finally made the decision it was truly liberating even though I knew the shit storm that it would kick off, I'd actually put a list together with my therapist of the actions they'd take and order it would happen (classic abusers play book) and I was correct with it all. Its been years now and the only thing I regret not doing it sooner.
The question you should ask yourself is what do YOU get out of a relationship with your dad and is it worth all the mental anguish it causes

I would do nothing right now.

Go and see him for his birthday as a good will gesture, be superficially pleasant but prepared for a step mother show down and have a list mental or on phone ready as responses.

And expect to be kicked out the house!

And don't agree to any caring duties.

Basically make it abundantly clear you will never be emotionally blackmailed to suddenly be daughter of the year to a far from ideal father and you have responsibilities to your brother, children already you do enough.

If it wasn't for my brother, who despite the years of being largely ignored, adores my dad, I would definitely be NC. It would be an easy decision.

I don't think I can get over the way she spoke to me. She really showed her true colours. The person I always knew she was.

I don't know whether my dad was there when she was having a go at me but I know he'd support her though, whatever. He's always put her first.

But, I'm determined not to sink to her level, even though I'd absolutely love to confirm to her how much I despise her.

Right now I don't want to do the duty call this evening. She answers the phone every single time. She's like a gatekeeper and I don't want to have to speak to her, even for a second. But if I don't make the call it just gives them more ammunition against me.

Can you send your father a text or email along lines of “I don’t wish to phone tonight as “stepmother” has been incredibly rude to me. Hope you are well etc.

can you implement NC with stepmother, and let your dad sort that one out?

I'd give him the same consideration he's given you over the years.

That's what I do regarding my mother, and if it wasn't for talking to my sisters I wouldn't even know if she is alive or dead.

I’m so sorry to hear your father was such a dirt-bag. You do know, that you owe your father nothing, don’t you? So you need only consider what is right for you.

If you think, later on when he has passed away, that you might regret not calling on the agreed Sunday slots then get your DP to make the call if you have a DP, and you can come to the phone once your dad is on the line. That way you don’t have to have any contact with DSM.

If you don’t have a DP, place the call at 6pm today, put the phone on speaker and have a hairdryer right next to the phone plugged in. If DSM tries any
funny business, turn the hairdryer on full power and drown her out. When you can hear she’s stopped talking, say very calmly, “I could hear you being unpleasant and then there was a lot of noise on the line. Please put my father on the line, I didn’t phone up to speak to you.”

do this every time she starts mouthing off at you.

also, if you think it would give you closure, it is okay to tell your dad how what he did your entire life has hurt your feelings, and the only time he was ever there for you was when your mum died. He might reflect and apologise, he might not. But it might do you good to calmly tell him the negative impact he has had on his life, and find out if he regretted it. If he didn’t regret it, then you can safely reduce contact to almost nothing. If he does regret it, then you may benefit from hearing him express that regret at the end of his life.

you do not need to feel you have to pander to him, or say untrue nice things, just because he may die soon. You can be frank, without being cruel. You can tell him you are glad you have grown up into a person who is able to see the value of a beloved family member with a disability or special need, and that you pity him for the missed opportunity to truly know, care for and love his own son.

As for DSM, she is nothing. Don’t waste your energy hating her. Stay aloof, laugh at her if it helps. You can free yourself from these emotional entanglements that are dragging you down, and focus on the many positive relationships in your life.

this sounds absolutely shite!
you sound like a wonderful loving person who has been treated very poorly by someone who should have done better.
I think it’s fair to look at your dads behaviour and see that he believes inconvenient relationships can be ditched. Given that is his view and you have absolutely no duty of care I think you can ignore him forever without any guilt.
however. You seem to be much kinder and more generous than he does and I appreciate you may wish to act according to your own standards rather than his. Could you text and tell him something like “I’m free for our Sunday chat at 6.30 if that works for you. Just ring my mobile’. Then he needs to ring?

if he’s not accessible by text perhaps post a card tomorrow to him explaining that his wife clearly dislikes you and you think it would be best to just maintain a relationship with him. You’re sure he understands that he should call you if he wants to talk.
put the ball in his court. You can use totally bland phrases like “as step-bitch-from-hell and I don’t see eye to eye I think it’s best for us to limit contact. If you would like to talk on Sundays I’m happy to chat but I understand if you can’t continue a relationship with someone your wife isn’t comfortable with.”
good luck OP. They sound like utter knobs!

My delightful SM wouldn't even give him the phone she says he can't work one 🙄

Thank you for the lovely and helpful responses.

I've decided against making a call today. The phone did ring at 6pm & my heart lurched, which reinforced to me how much things coming to a head has shaken me (more so than I'd realised), but thankfully it was DS phoning from uni to fill me in on how his exams are going & we had a lovely chat.

DH has offered to make the call for me, but I know him, he definitely wouldn't shy away from expressing his feelings, so I don't think at this stage it would be productive, but it's good to know he has my back completely.

My dad doesn't do technology - he never has his mobile switched on, so it's land-line only, hence why I can never avoid her answering!

I'll spend a day or so trying to work out what to do next. I strongly suspect that my dad is unaware of what went on yesterday, so she'll be using my not phoning to continue the uncaring daughter narrative, or if he does know then his own silence speaks volumes.

Either way, it's a pleasant Sunday evening here and I'm on Annual Leave this week, so DH and I are having a couple of glasses of wine & I'm going to put this out of my mind, till tomorrow.

Sorry, Resurrecting my own thread!

But, for the first time ever I haven't sent him a Father's Day card. It's his birthday next week & I will probably send a card for that, with a letter explaining that I will never be speak to or be in the same room as his wife. But that will be all I'll say because I will not lower myself to say my true feelings or words as derogatory as the way she spoke to me. I'll be clear that any contact will only be directly with him.

I'm fairly sure that he'll never even see it, because the controlling witch intercepts everything, but at least I've had my say.

I'm fairly resigned to this being our last contact. In some ways my not sending a Father's Day card is hugely liberating.