Finding it impossible to be emotionally available to men

[indigoviolet22]

I have very vivid memories from my early teens of it being drilled into me that a woman showing any kind of sincere and open interest in a man can only be seen as exhibiting clingy, unattractive and off-putting behaviour.

I recall really absorbing this message from all of the early 00's TV shows and sitcoms which depicted female characters being berated by their friends for "calling him too often" or not "playing hard to get". The overarching message that latched onto every part of my impressionable teenage mind is that to tell a man you like him, to compliment him or to make yourself emotionally available to him leaves you vulnerable and is likely to be off-putting for the man, who is only interested in the chase and will drop you the moment you express any real interest.

How in Christ's name, you might be asking, has she managed to have any kind of relationship as an adult? Well I actually scrape by quite well in person. On dates I am generally kind, interested, relatively good at making conversation and engaging with men in a positive, cheerful way...I get by.

The part where I really fall down is if they compliment me, or express a desire to see me again, or try to have a conversation with me about progressing our relationship. If this happens in person I tend to simply deflect with questions and skirt around the subject. However this often also happens over messages which I am particularly bad at. I recently had one date send me a very sweet message after an evening together, saying something very nice about me and expressing a desire to see me again. I had a great time too but I felt so utterly paralysed by the message out of fear of coming across too keen, and I'm painfully aware that my reply (which was a factual "yes" to another date but did not compliment him or indicate in any way that I too had had a nice time) would have been deflating for him. If it were me and I had put myself out there like that only to receive such a cool-toned message, I would be pretty hurt.

But I just can't seem to stop myself!!

It's like I go completely mute. I can't bring myself to be emotionally vulnerable or open about my feelings and so I counter with a dry joke, or a haughty response.

What's wrong with me and how can I overcome this? I've been told that I'm difficult to read and I really worry that I'm going to struggle to form connections with men I like. I would like nothing more than to be confident enough to share my feelings, tell him how much I value and like him etc.

Can anyone relate? How do I start breaking down these walls?

This is hard. You do have to put yourself out there with men. They also struggle with fears of rejection.

Try baby steps. Reach for his hand while walking. Tell him he looks sharp. Let your body language talk for you. If you don't give him some signal that you fancy him he'll lose interest and move on.

Yes I can relate to that kind of (now very out of date) upbringing and I had some therapy to work through it all.

Sometimes parents can tell you a real load of guff to stop you getting pregnant at 13. The “fuck off I hate you” vibe really is quite an effective contraceptive too.

I try to think of it as a learned behaviour, taught by people whose attitudes and opinions you valued AT THE TIME. As an adult, you have to decide whether those attitudes and opinions are actually still valid and beneficial to you and helping you achieve what you want now, as an adult.

It’s not about emotional availability, it’s about letting your guard down enough to show emotional VULNERABILITY. It is scary and therapy will help you unpick why you continue to self-sabotage in adulthood and how you can move forward with that.

@indigoviolet22 I really relate to what you are saying and am very similar.

I was also told growing up that men will tell you anything to get what they want so while I got a lot of attention from men, I took everything that was said to me with a grain of salt. That was probably not the worst thing in terms of self-preservation/protection in my earlier years but I find myself still being like that now in my 30s. I find it difficult to connect with men on a deeper level and I find it hard to believe what they say to me. I'm also told I'm hard to read and that I give nothing away or that I have a wall up.

@DatingDinosaur 's advice sounds good!

A great book to start with is Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.

Explains a lot about emotional unavailability and where it stems from.

Therapy is also a great idea, I'm having therapy currently and emotional unavailability was one of my reasons for going. I now understand why I'm like I am and I'm trying to get better at being vulnerable but my god its tough when you're not long out of an emotional abusive marriage

It's an emotional leap of faith everyone has to make to be available emotionally aka vulnerable. No one want to be vulnerable or hurt, but it's a mental barrier you just have to accept is there and determine to overcome.

You could ask yourself why you are so terrified about being hurt? I don't buy this indoctrination re TV shows of the 00s. It's something within you that's afraid. Find out why and you may be able to move forward. It's a conscious decision to allow yourself to be vulnerable.

@cottagegardenflower @SortingItOut I agree, thanks. I have had therapy and I do know why I feel the way I feel. It still hard to let the guard down though but I'm determined to get there.

DatingDinosaur it's 100% a fuck off I hate you vibe, sadly! As Startingover37 says, I would agree it served me well in my younger years when the men I dated were probably also very emotionally immature and much more likely to hurt me, and I have to say (though I cringe to admit it now) there were times when I took pride in being considered a "cool-girl" or "not like other girls". I know, I know, I'm doing a lot of work on my own internalised misogyny but at the time I did feel like it gave me some kind of strength to be seen as a little bit aloof. Now, however, it absolutely doesn't serve me and you're right I need to rethink how I want to put myself across as an adult in the dating world. I also need to be more mindful of other people's feelings, and remember there is someone else on the other side of this equation putting themselves on the line.

It's definitely defensive and protective. But I really do want to learn how to become more comfortable with emotionally vulnerability even if it means the odds of me being hurt increase. I feel like it all feeds into a whole plethora of other hang-ups I have around expressing my emotions, being emotionally blocked, shutting down etc

Perhaps therapy wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Right. Babysteps. If all goes well on the next date I'm determined to be the one to send a nice follow-up text afterwards...

Fingers crossed for you OP. A nice follow up text is the perfect way to start (unless, of course you don’t want to see them again, lol).

@indigoviolet22 I identify so much with what you are saying, it's honestly like seeing my own thoughts written down!

You sound like lovely and very self aware. Best of luck navigating it all. Hope your next date goes really well x