Is it normal to feel like this after split?

[Saz22]

Hi everyone,

Posted a little while back when contemplating leaving husband after several years of being unhappy. We have DD together how is 7.

I did eventually leave with DD and we're current;y staying at my Mom's (a challenge in itself at times). It's taken a while but I possibly finally have a rental property that I may be getting the keys to next week once final checks done.

DD had taken it all in her stride and even said a couple of times that she is looking forward to getting new house. She's been seeing plenty of her Dad but just recently I feel she's missing home and her Dad and would prefer to just go back home. She said as much today after I picked her up from him. Hubby has really been putting on me emotionally saying I'm causing deep emotional mental issues for DD, that she was taken from her home and neither she nor him had a choice in the matter. Also that I'm the one causing all of this pain and that it makes no sense what I'm doing. His Mom is quite ill too currently with cancer. I asked how she was earlier and he told me she is making herself ill with worry about our situation and gave me a look as if to say 'that's on you too'.

He can be very pleasant and polite but the second I stand up to him on something he turns. I feel he's putting on DD emotionally sometimes when he sees her, clinging to her and sadly telling her how much he misses her etc.

I'm just struggling at the moment and think he may have got inside my head, as I feel bad for DD now and feel I'm depriving her of that family unit, of the family holidays, of her home etc etc.

I don't want to be with him at all but I have nothing against being his friend although I know he wants more. He's quite Jekyl and Hyde. I think I'm missing familiarity and security (even though he hasn't worked since December), and scared about how this pans out for everyone. I feel a lot of guilt is being stacked ready for me and I'm finding it hard.

Anyone else been there and have any words of encouragement? Just feel so alone at the moment and my Mother is a difficult character to live with, very oppressive so I think this is getting me down too.

Thanks if you made it this far! xx

Yes it all sounds normal and familiar to me :)

I also left my marriage with 2 young kids and felt really guilty about moving house and not being a family. My OH sounds similar to yours and was OTT with all of the drawn out goodbyes, miss you etc.

It's all new so hopefully this stage will pass once he accepts there's no going back. If you are sure the relationship is over, then keep pushing forward as you are. Keep conversations open with your child. There will be ups and downs.

I kept reminding myself that I didn't want my kids to witness a loveless and dead relationship and think that was normal. I wanted them to see that if you are not happy, you can change it.

I'm many years the other side of this now and have a very close relationship with my kids.

It can't be easy that his Mum is ill at the moment, but this is not something you can control.

It does sound like he is trying to guilt you into reversing your decision but hopefully he will accept your decision in time. You say he can be pleasant and polite so hopefully you will be able to work together and support your child.

Hugs and strength to you x

This will pass
grit teeth hard
next hell be dating and introducing her to his new woman
mark my words

time for grey rock 🪨

So if he can be pleasant and polite work with that.

Say DD will adapt if we both out her best interests first and keep our adult relationship and feelings out if her life. All she needs to know is she still has two parents who love her but will be living in different houses from now on. Make it absolutely clear that you will hold him responsible for any adult emotion and blame he tells DD. Time to parent up.

Make a comment like, you have time at the moment to visit your mum, go and reassure her that we will all be ok. She doesn't have to worry only concentrate on her treatment and recovery.

But make sure he knows this split is happening regardless of the emotional blackmail he spouts.

He is making his mum and daughter stress not you, he is the common denominator.

Hope the new property gives you a bit of peace.

What is happening with the house, is it being sold or has he bought you out ?

It will pass. I was in the position of your husband a few years ago. I was so angry and hurt that was I horrible to my ex and acted in strange ways. I look back now and cringe but it was a horrible strange time.

We've come to a good place now and get on. You just have to give him time. It takes a long time to process. You were the person who left so you came to terms with the split a long time before he did. I think you just have to keep it business like with him for now. Don't try and be his friend yet. Things will smooth out.

Stay strong OP. It's so hard but you've done the hardest part, it's all moving forward from here. My Ex used guilt as his currency, with the kids, me, everyone.

He'll realise that's not working, so be prepared for the next phase. For my ex, he went from "devastated " to being intent on destroying me emotionally and financially. He stayed in that phase for years. I just made sure I created a happy home and just got myself happy.

Agree with others - I’ve been in similar place to where you are now. You haven’t decided to leave on a whim, there will be reasons for it, and a Jekyll and Hyde personality is confusing for your daughter. He may be being lovely to her now, but what children like and need is consistency, which you can now provide for her. Change is hard for all of you, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

First, however you feel is normal.

Of course you will miss the familiarity and the hope of a stable family which being married brought to you.

Your ex is trying to guilt you- that sound par for the course. My ex constantly threatened suicide. Don't buy into his manipulation.

Perhaps your daughter will settle more with you when you are no longer with your Mum?

I guess he didn't move out as you were the one who wanted to split?

Been there. I kept reminding myself that I would never have taken the monumentous step of breaking up my marriage if I hadn’t genuinely felt there was no other choice. Nothing would really have changed if I went back. It would be so
unfair to everyone (particularly DD) for me to flip flop. I’d done the big bit in leaving, now I just had to see it through. It was tough at the time but it was definitely the right thing. Stick it out. Head down and keep going until you come out the other side and find your new happier normal.

Well if he cared about DDs emotional distress he could move out of the home and let you and DD move back in.

I think you need to reread your original posts about this op to remind you what he was like when you were all still together. If you went back to him things would be like that again. You have a chance to make a settled life for you and your dd. If you went back, he might be nice for a bit but I am sure he will revert back to his normal behaviour, including ignoring your dd. It would also be much harder to leave for a second time