Moving on after an abusing relationship

[Maia12]

I left a 10 year abusive relationship 3 years ago thinking I’d never trust a man again. Slowly over time I realised not all men were so bad and went on a couple of dates.
Four months ago I met a guy who I fell for quickly and was crazy about him to start with. But now doubts are starting to creep in, I’m worried they’re red flags when it’s probably something really minor. Am I over reacting and trying to stop myself being hurt again or should I trust myself more?
How do you know when you’re ready for a serious relationship again? Or will I never be able to trust someone fully again?

Four months - so you still don't know him!
Pay attention to your doubts. If your inner voice is waving red flags then pay attention!
Give yourself some time and really think through what the problems are. Play devil's advocate in your mind and believe he's an abuser. Now what in his behaviour fits with that? How does he try to control you? It may be that he's only just starting to switch as you're only four months in.

I'm sorry to say, but if you've had a previously abusive relationship it's very likely you'll have another. That's your familiar pattern. That's why the Freedom programme is so often recommended. Do your homework on abuse. Read up on it, learn to recognise the typical scripts.

Also, try disagreeing with him. He wants to go to the pub, you want to go for a walk. See how he handles it. Does he negotiate, or does his manipulate?

Remember you don't need to prove you are justified in splitting up. You can just do it because you want to.

It’s brilliant that you’re questioning this - sounds like your boundaries are in place and you’re more aware of potential red flags.

Can you give us some examples of the things that are niggling at you?

I’m worried that he’s lying to me, my ex lied to me so much for 10 years and I didn’t have a clue so am I now just being overly paranoid?
It’s things like his eyes sometimes look like he’s taken drugs, he’s denied being on anything and I know he has something wrong with his eyes, which is the reason he’s not allowed to drive. He could be telling the truth, but how do I know?

Then there’s been nights I’ve texted and asked if he’s up to much and he says nothing, then I see on Facebook he was at his ex’s where his kids are. Is he trying to hide going there or is he just being vague as we’ve not been dating long and I don’t tell him everything that I do.

I know these aren’t big things but I know small things can spiral into bigger things, I don’t want to start another relationship that’s going to turn bad.

The eye thing could possibly be down to the condition, try googling it and see if the symptoms match up to what you've seen. If he's taken enough drugs for there to be a visual change there should be clues in his behaviour too. As you didn't mention this I'd suspect more it was the condition.
The lies though, I can't excuse that. He's known you 4 months, there's no reason he can't say I'm with my kids/seeing my kids later. He must also know you'd have seen on SM.
Honestly I'd go with your gut, if there's other things that don't add up too. I was recommended to speak with women's aid in future if I ever doubt myself. To talk through is this usual or am I experiencing (totally normal and understandable) paranoia.

What sort of eye problem is he supposed to have that stops him driving? Or could he be banned?
He’s saying he’s one place, FB says otherwise.
I’d be suspicious. Especially if I suspected drug use.
There are good guys out there but I found I had to kiss a lot of frogs until I met the one I was meant to be with.

I'm getting red flags from this guy to be honest... sounds like maybe he's been banned from driving.

But i'm also 3 years out of an abusive relationship and absolutely not ready to date again because I see red flags in absolutely everything. I don't know if that's because i'm paranoid, or because every man I meet is a scumbag but I feel like it's probably the latter and I'd rather be on my own than go through that again