Living with my mother in law who has dementia

[MummyRR]

I've been married just over a year now and second trimester pregnant.
Living with DH, father in law and mother in law. MIL has dementia.
She's okay to me sometimes but other times very rude and says nasty and hurtful things.
Not long ago she told me to get out & leave the house, she makes comments about how I dress/my skin complexion, today she was comparing me to my sister in law about who has better hair and that mine looks greasy.
We once invited my husband's uncle and his family over to eat and she was saying my cooked food was "hopeless"
My appetite has increased since being pregnant and so she tells me that I eat too much and need to stop eating.
I have tried to ignore her but then she starts swearing at me.
I've broken down a few times to my husband who says that she doesn't mean it and it's just her illness. That I need to be strong and cope with it.
Truthfully, I have tried so many times but I am at the end of my tether now.
I want to get my own place, husband does not want to move out.
Has anybody been in a similar situation or can offer some advice?

Wow that sounds like a very difficult situation, is there a reason you're living with your in laws - why wont your DH move out ...... was this discussed before you got married?

My husband is the one who pays the bills. He wouldn't be able to afford it for 2 houses. Secondly he's really close to his mum especially so would never want to leave.
I didn't mind living with the in laws. I just didn't know her behaviour to me was going to be like this!
There's a wedding reception on tonight which they have all gone to. I was supposed to attended too but today's events have just made me lock myself in the bedroom and cry all day.
My husband and I have a good marriage and a happy relationship but I can't continue to live like this either.

I work with people who have dementia and I can understand how hard it would be to live with someone with dementia.

I would seriously consider moving out, even if its by yourself with DC.
Do you really want your DC to see their Mum upset daily by someone constantly being mean to you?
saying the things she does infront of DC about you, will soon be noticed by them too. Regardless of your MIL dementia, the DC wont understand that she sometimes cant help it just the words she uses.
Your DH is selfish tbh.

Sadly with dementia there is a possibility that her behaviour will get worse as well. This is not a situation that you want to raise a child in. While his mother can't help it due to her illness , you also dont have to put up with it if you can't cope. I know I certainly wouldn't cope with those comments day in , day out. It would seriously affect me.

My husband is the one who pays the bills. He wouldn't be able to afford it for 2 houses.

Why does your DH pay his parents’ household bills-when did that start?

This will only get worse as her dementia progresses. You cannot put yourself and your child through this.
You need romgive your husband an ultimatum.
You need your own place or you will leave.

As others have said, her behaviour is only going to get worse, she can’t do anything about that, it’s her illness. You can though. You can either suck it up and develop a thick skin knowing she can’t help it or look at new living arrangements.

Personally I could probably suck it up if it was just me, but I don’t think I would ever want to bring a child into that situation. People with dementia can also turn violent, your DH needs to understand that although it’s admirable taking care of his parents, you and your baby also need taking care of now.

Is it cultural why your ILs live with you?

What happens when your MIL’s health deteriorates more?

My unqualified opinion is a daily dose of folic acid for your mother in law. At worst, I can't see it will do any harm, you get it from Savers in pill form. It acts as a mood lift, it sounds like she is basically depressed, as a side effect of dementia or some kind of vague mental illness. Aka total pain in the arse but later you look back and think, something wasn't right there and whatever faults or insecurities I may have had, it wasn't down to me.

It must be hard having to live like this, but if there are other people living in the house why are they not supporting you ? Surely they have a responsibility of care for both you and your mother in law?

I would move out as soon as possible, if your H does not want to move with you then that is up to him. If your H is working presumably daily then who is doing his mother's care in his absense?. Has it fallen to you and your FIL?. What does he think?. Are both he and your H burying their heads in the sand here?. I would concur that your H is very selfish here and has not thought about you and his unborn child at all. Why is he paying his parents bills?.

What outside help, if any, is being received here?.

Your MIL is in all likelihood going to further decline and fast with it. She will come to need a level of care none of you as family members will be able to provide. Will you be expected to help her with her going to the toilet and or bathing?. Carer burnout is real and my friend's family were almost completely torn apart by wanting to care for their mother because over time that got left to other family members (dementia is no respecter of any culture or creed, it's that indiscriminate). Relationships have still not fully recovered after she died.

What do you do for a living? Are you entitled to paid maternity leave? howfar pregnant are you?

Sorry underline unintentional!

I would find this really hard OP. Especially as it seems to be a long term situation. Did you know before getting married that you would be living with your in laws for the foreseeable future?