disappearing mother

[anewbook]

Can anyone help please? Apologies this is long.

I have had a difficult relationship with my mother(75) since she abandoned me and my siblings when I was 11. There have been many unpleasant, verbal attacks from her over the years and other more pleasant times but I had to learn to distance myself for self-protection. I am now 43 and contact with her is sporadic, she sometimes is out of touch for months and then will suddenly call out of the blue. Other times, she disappears on holidays for weeks at a time.

Recently, I have been in more regular contact with her, since she was ill with covid and collapsed twice. I was sending her regular messages to check she was OK. Then the messages stopped, her birthday came and went, she didn't reply to any messages, phone switched off when called, my brother went round and knocked on the door, no answer (I live at the opposite end of the country). As she has form for disappearing and has done this many times before, we weren't too alarmed , but as time went on we started to get more worried. After over 3 weeks, my brother called the police and they went round to force entry to her flat. Fortunately she wasn't there, but they found a receipt for a foreign holiday.

However, they reported that the flat was "uninhabitable". No hot water, rotting food on floor, leak in the ceiling, stuff piled from floor to ceiling, unable to move around the flat easily due to the sheer volume of stuff etc etc ... a hoarder.

In addition, the door is now damaged as you would expect, and the police had an emergency locksmith come out to secure the flat. The bill from the locksmith is £230. The police also found lots of bill reminders, debt letters etc...

According to the receipt the police found, she is due back tomorrow. She has form for becoming verbally aggressive and very unpleasant and I am now feeling very anxious about tomorrow.

I also don't know what to expect. The police said they will refer her to social services, but it is highly unlikely I think that she will open the door to anyone. Does anyone know what the next steps are likely to be? How does this work? My brother who spoke to the police said they didn't give much information.

Also, is there any chance of getting any support in paying this bill for the locksmith as she is clearly struggling with mental health problems, hoarding issues and is in the process of being referred to social services. There is no way my mother will pay that and she is very likely to hit the roof when she reads it. I have lent her money before which she never paid back. Or should I just go ahead and put it on my credit card? It is not something I can afford , especially in this current climate of rising living costs.

I am just looking for some support and a bit of a hand hold as I anticipate she is not going to be happy when she returns tomorrow 🙁

Many thanks for reading to the end.

Maybe ask a therapist to pick at why you feel so responsible for her...
I have been nc with my dc for 20 years. She isn't very pleasant and just because she gave birth to me doesn't mean I owe her a thing.

@Onemoresleeptogonow
thanks for your message. I have tried counselling over the decades but have found it to be pretty useless, sometimes it made my depression worse. However, I think it is something that I would benefit from if I found the right person.

Unfortunately there isn't anything you can do if she has capacity but won't accept the help on offer.

I understand that she is you mother and you feel an obligation (that she doesn't seem to be grateful for judging from your post) but you may need to accept that she doesn't want your intervention.

The best you can do is engage with Adult Social Services and hope they cam assist her.

But I would work on accepting that you have done all you can and then distance yourself.

Does she own her own property or is it social housing? If its recharges from social housing just ask them to add to rent account.
Social services may get involved but if she doesn't engage and has capacity they won't do much. Sometimes support workers are better. No links to Ss. They can get her debts addressed and get heating etc sorted. If its social housing they will want to get in and look at boiler leak etc. If she doesn't engage she could get evicted. If it's her home there are grants a support worker can apply to . Alternatively she could sell and apply for sheltered depending on age etc. But refer her in fir support then you can step back. Or ask ss to do this. Good luck

@Sleepeatrepeat thank you, I will look into Adult Social Serviced
@Bednobsbroomsticks
she owns her own property, I think she is still paying off her mortgage but doesn’t work due to health issues, she had to give up her job as a cleaner as she developed severe respiratory problems due to the chemicals. She is living off the last of her savings and a small pension.

Could you tell me where to find a support worker please? Would that be through Adult Social Services or a separate organisation?

thank you

‘Also, is there any chance of getting any support in paying this bill for the locksmith as she is clearly struggling with mental health problems, hoarding issues and is in the process of being referred to social services. There is no way my mother will pay that and she is very likely to hit the roof when she reads it. I have lent her money before which she never paid back. Or should I just go ahead and put it on my credit card?

I’m really shocked that you seem to be indicating this is her responsibility to pay the bill? Is that right? You instigated it, you pay it.

And, like a pp said, look into why you feel so responsible for someone who swans off for weeks at a time without letting you know.

But it’s not her bill to pay.

@DatingIsDifficult
I agree that it doesn’t seem fair for her to pay this bill. This is why I am asking if there might be any financial support available . The policeman said sometimes in cases like this where the person is vulnerable and suffering from mental health issues, the money can be claimed back, but wasn’t able to give any further details.

'Well, if you'd said you were going on holiday, the Police wouldn't have needed to break in after three weeks to check you weren't dead on the floor, would they?'.

Not your problem.

You don’t need to be paying anything. You owe her nothing. You were kindly checking on her for going missing again, when she hadn’t bothered to tell you all where she was going. This dipping in and out of your life is simply to provoke your anxiety and reel you into the nonsense.