Father who drinks

[Temporaryname158]

I am looking for advice, I’ve changed my user name as I am embarrassed this could be linked to my other posts

my father drinks, he’s a functioning alcoholic. Functioning in the sense he isn’t drinking litres of vodka a day but he is drinking in excess of guidelines.

every evening he has 1-2 cans of beer, followed by 1 bottle of red wine, possibly more. On occasions this has included spirits. However he drinks to the point he slurs, falls asleep and becomes aggressive. He is argumentative, domineering and doesn’t like to hear anyone opinion but his own.

this has been going on for years but he is also changing personality more in the last 2 years. he loses his temper easily, is rude and abrupt to serving staff such as waiters/waitresses bus drivers etc and he thinks everyone in the world is wrong and he’s right.

my poor mum has given up as he is constantly criticising her, treating her like she is stupid (telling her how to do simple tasks and constantly correcting her such as the right way to peel potatoes is this, you should hold x like this) she’s in her 60’s she doesn’t need any help at all! He is just domineering!

what can I do? he has been given leaflets years ago about alcohol problems and denies there is one.

it’s getting me down as he doesn’t want to spend time with us any more every evening is spent focussed around drinking, getting drunk. He would deny this but it’s true. He has no alcohol free days and this is becuase I believe he can’t.

i don’t know if I want advice or if anyone has been ina similar situation and can tell me what happened to you. I feel I have lost the dad I knew as a child and now this person who is mainly nice in the day (though not always) turns into this drunken bore, who only cares about himself at night

Op, so sorry to hear this. Your Dad needs help, he is ill. Your Mum may now want to look at rebuilding her own life, away from Dad. This maybe the wake up call Dad needs to rebuild his own life. Either way, Mum needs to be away from this now and rebuild her life. She is still young and the addition and the controlling behaviour is not fair on Mum.

Your parents are of a generation where you stick through thick and thin. But Op, your Mum seems to living through the thin and this is not fair. Help Mum free herself from this. Look after yourself too Op. Dad is ill, there maybe underlying reasons behind this, usually hidden mental health Don't be too hard on Dad and be there for him but put you and Mum first now.

Nobody can help your dad, only he can. You can help yourself and you can help your mum, and she can help herself. Life with an alcoholic is hell - been there. If they refuse to admit there's a problem, all you can do is help yourself and walk away. And yes, that's hard. Been there too.

I’m so sorry OP- there is nothing you can do for him, he has to want to change and seek help. I would focus on getting your mother to leave him- my father was an alcoholic, it’s a miserable, soul destroying life living around one.

I limited my relationship with my father and told my mother that the offer to help get her out was always open. She died without taking it. He remains a functional alcoholic and our relationship remains limited.

You and your mum could both try al anon. Its for the family and friends of alcoholics. It won't stop him drinking but you will fund a lot of support and help with managing your own emotions.

They live in a very rural remote area and there are not many groups, activities etc my mum can join.

she visits grandchildren lots and always helps (despite this being several hours away with overnight stays needed) but nothing much local to help her build more friendships etc.

as a previous poster mentioned, she is of the generation who stay together no matter what. This has been going on for years and she has never left but they sleep in separate rooms, often eat separately etc.

I wish I could help her more but don’t live locally and she won’t leave.

it is so frustrating he doesn’t care about his family enough to stop.