Know separating is right for the relationship but scared of what a coparenting future would be like

[changeisscary]

I'm at a point where I'm pretty sure my marriage is over. I know in my heart I don't have the right feelings for DH anymore and we're both beginning to realise it's not fair on either of us to continue like this. We've tried for a long time. I feel like to keep us together I'm having to shoehorn myself into this version of me that I'm not anymore.
But, we have a young DS together and every time I think about the separation process I just can't imagine how it would work for/with him. Does anyone have any success stories on how it would be at the start, and how it's gone well?
We have pretty good communication so I think we could be amicable for our DS. I think I just feel sad that it's come to this and that I can't be different and make it work.

I just wanted to message and say I am sorry you feel this way but you offer a positive story. Obviously everyone’s lives are different.

I separated with my OH when my little one was 1, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. Obviously there were difficult times. Mainly when my little one was introduced to his new partner for example and at the start when I began having a few nights away from my little one. But you both get used to it. Communication is key definitely. My little boy has such a good relationship with his dad, he sees him regularly and we work this out between ourselves. Myself and his dad have a better relationship now then when we were together.

How do you mean that I offer a positive story?
I'm glad things have gone well for you and you have a good relationship with your ex now. That's what I hope we could have and I think in time we would but at the moment I'm just finding everything so overwhelming.

Sorry it was a typo! I meant “I can offer a positive story”

it is so overwhelming. I am obviously speaking on my situation but we had to move house, start from scratch. I worried about moving my little one from the house he knew and I so desperately wanted the “family life” with a mam and dad (I didn’t have that growing up)

all I am saying really, is that it can work. Sometimes it can be hard though. It sounds like it is both your choices? Could you possibly work through it at all?

Exh and I separated when DD was 1.
First year was hard, he had lots of anger issues but he adores DD. Then lockdowns etc made it hard but we haven't lived together since she was about 18 months. 4 years old now and loves us both and has no memory of us being together.

Maybe she will question why her mum and dad aren't in the same home like her cousins parents or her friends parents. But its ok, I'm prepared to tell her that daddy and I are not married any more and we are just really good friends. And she gets 2 bedrooms lol.

Our divorce was finalised in Feb, we did 2 year separation. I filed in November 2021...so 4 months is all it took. All online via government website, we are amicable enough to share custody so no need for lawyers to get involved ot get messy.
Keep level headed, don't take shots at each other, remind yourselves you have to answer to your DS when he is older. And good luck.x

I honestly think that in some ways the younger they are the easier it is for them. Young Children are very accepting of change that is introduced to them gently.

As long as they have love from you both. See a relationship between you over time that looks like friendship and isn't tense or fraught or full of conflict.

Changeovers tend to be the hardest part until things settle down. So try to keep them to a minimum. With young kids it can work quite well to do it via nursery. So one drops to nursery and the other collects for example.

Do you have any specific concerns we can help with?

Thing is, you’re delaying what you know to be the inevitable. So you may as well just get on with it. I bitterly regret the dithering I did.

I have been separated for 2 years now and I have never been as happy. The children see Ex EOW and what that means in reality is that I get every other weekend off! For me that’s awesome and the kids are delighted to see him.

I was terrified I’d damage them for life by ending my marriage and I’ve been astonished at how flexible and resilient they are.

Thanks everyone. Hopeful hearing stories of how it's worked out. Like one PP I never had a family that was together growing up so always wanted that for my children so it would feel like a failure in a way.
It's more my decision really although H can see it's not working. I just feel like I don't want this for DS, even though I think that's me looking at things with an adult's opinion/knowledge. I'm not sure I could do it to him, so I wonder if I'll always feel like I can try a bit harder. DH and I are just more like friends now, we've been together a long time and have grown apart and I'm finding that the intimacy doesn't come naturally to me anymore. I think it could work out okay if we separated, in the long run. It's just incredibly sad.

You're right, I get this panicky feeling a lot like I'm wasting time

i Can only tell you my experience: I’m from a deeply observant religious family and we were both under pressure to stay together - me more than him and yet his behaviour was appalling. But I was meant to just put up with it.

I should have pulled the plug almost a decade ago but anyway he’s gone now and even now, 2 years later, I am still daily overwhelmed with the utter relief of knowing I don’t have to spend the rest of my days with such a soul sucking waste of organs. And my children don’t have to grow up thinking that THEY can act like arseholes, or have to put up with one in their lives.

right now they are all still at their Dads, and I’m sitting in silence in my cosy house, with my cat on my feet, burning a nice scented candle. I’ll be eating what I want, singing when I like and have enough headspace to be a better parent to my children whilst knowing I’m not throwing away my life. I have a new man in my life and we laugh and kiss and I feel alive and just “me.”

Do it. Just do it.

Sure you can't work on your marriage? Have you tried counselling? Children are flexible and capable of adapting to change and so on, but they're still better off with their parents together and divorce should be an absolute last resort if there's no abuse

My H left me when our DD was about 16 months old. I was unhappy about his decision but knew deep down it was the right thing to do. I made a decision there and then to always put her needs before mine wherever possible, and to make everything as amicable as possible.

It helped that he was fully onboard with 50/50 parenting, which we did from almost the very beginning - took him a few weeks to get a flat sorted out. When he bought a new house he moved back to my neighbourhood so she could be within walking distance of both of us and school (she's 13 now) but he's not on the next street or anything - half a mile away or so!

I know that he is incredibly happy now - has a lovely wife (not the OW) and I know that he wasn't happy with me, so if that's you in your relationship you will know what a weight will be lifted when you are free! I think I also have a weight lifted too, and I'm happy with my independence, although it took me a lot longer to get to that place.

Good luck with it all.

I am screaming with delight for you @Attwoodsladyfriend I'm so pleased for you that you got away from the 'soul sucking waste of organs' What a phrase! It describes exactly how I feel.
Please take this advice @changeisscary You are so right with your user name, change really IS scary. But it's so much better than being stuck as you are, and like I am. Like you, I am delaying and delaying and delaying, panicking over how all of this will affect my two DS. But the truth is, dragging all of this out, and the obvious bad atmosphere in the house, is having the most negative impact on them. Please don't waste time, I know how it feels and how hard it is to make this decision, and that time is flying.... I'll hold your hand while we do this together