Family - I don’t know who and what to believe

[Vianna1]

My head is a right mess. Apologies if my post is messy but I have a million things going through my head right now and I am not sure what to do with them.
The problem isn’t my own family (she and dd), but my extended family, namely my mom and brother. I’d be lying if I said my brother and I had an easy time growing up, but he himself greatly contributed a lot of pain himself. Our dad isn’t in the picture any more and while I have always kept a very close bond with my mom the contact with my brother has been sporadic until a few years ago.
Long story short: both my brother and I had a parent who loved us, and another one who disliked us. I grew up wondering why my father despised me so much, and why he adored my older brother instead. My mother was always in my side, and doing her best to shield me from my father (and sometimes my brother too). In my 20s I went for counselling and dealt with a lot of these issues. I have to admit that I hated my brother for years, but we got closer again over the years. He I has a severe personality disorder and can be very difficult, but he too has changed over the years.
I recently went away with my mom and after a few drinks she recounted some things that really shook me. I did bring it up again the next day and we talked more, but she seemed uncomfortable. I had never realised what my brother, the golden boy, had grown up with, and what I had been shielded from. I first felt angry and really bullshitted by all of them.
I called him to ask whether it had been true and he confirmed it but he couldn’t understand why I was angry. We spoke a few times and I am still angry, but somehow I’m getting more and more angry with my parents and less with him. In some cases their stories are similar but differ profoundly at some stage, and I don’t know who is telling the truth. What’s really worrying me is that his version of events sounds more plausible and damming (for himself).
I’m now going through photo albums and memories and I am so confused. It’s three decades of “well you know what your brother is like” vs the niggling doubt that my mother has been lying about solve very important things.

Has anyone gone through something like this with their family?
My mind has been spinning and I have this uneasy feeling in my stomach. If my mother lied it means she took some very big risks…I don’t want to upset anyone but I feel I need to know the truth.

I don't know what these revelations were but it sounds like they were things your brother suffered, not you.
What are you angry about? Were you harmed? Or at risk of harm?

If things happened to my sibling that badly affected them, I'd feel great sympathy rather than anger with them for not telling me.

Understandably, you are being very vague so I may be misunderstanding. Apologies if so.

Meant to say that yes I have had massive family revelations that were hard to process. It takes time. Sometimes you need someone neutral to talk it over with.

@IncompleteSenten We all suffered at the hands of my father, but until recently I thought my brother had been excluded from this because he was adored. He wasn’t and he suffered, even if he doesn’t seem to care much about it. By the sounds of it I was the only one who never realised that the extend of abuse in the family because my brother kept it hidden from me. It breaks my heart to think that a six year old had to come up with lies to explain why our mother was gone again for a few days etc.
By 10/11 he was out of control and in therapy for a while. I don’t really remember much of this time but the reasons for this therapy is where the accounts differ. If his version is true my parents were reckless and chose to play happy family over helping him.

The thing with a situation like this is that there is no absolute "truth", people have their own perspectives on things. Add in the time that has passed, and memories can become diluted as often as they can seem worse once you are more aware of societal expectations and norms. Things that were deemed acceptable socially at certain times are not always so. Your brother is a product of his life experience, as are your parents.

Humans are by nature flawed, but fortunate enough to have the ability to change if they really want to do so. A big step is to accept that while we'd all love to have 'perfect' parents, the reality is that they don't exist. Once you accept them for what they are, i.e. imperfect human beings, it's easier to let go of what you think they should be and what they 'should' have done.

Even 'nice' people who are good as a couple often give rise to unrealistic expectations and pressures. Parents who never disagree/argue in front of the children, don't teach them how to resolve issues etc. and create an unrealistic expectation in relationships that is almost impossible to achieve. Let's not forget that attitudes towards therapy have changed a great deal over the years as well.

It sounds really distressing.
It's good that you are switching your anger because it sounds like he suffered badly at their hands and it's clear it's possibly led in full or in part to the adult he has become.

Perhaps he just can't cope with reliving it and he deals with it by pushing it down.

People in the situation aren't the ones who can help you come to terms with it.

I've just started counseling (c or s I can never remember) because my anger about elements of my past is badly affecting my life.

I would believe the person who has the least to lose. If your mum confirms what she and your dad did or allowed to happen, what happens to your relationship with her? I'd guess her denials are self protection.

Yes, I keep flip flopping in my own head. When I first called him I was angry, but then it faded and I felt very different.
I don’t want to cause upset to anyone. But if they chose to ignore the big red flag then I certainly don’t want to hear the old “you know what he’s like”, and “he’s just a classic narcissist” stuff any more (he isn’t even a narcissist because that’s not his diagnosis).
I think I’m annoyed that might have been parroting the same for years because I just believed everything like a big old idiot.
Sorry I am ranting

Is his diagnosis related to/caused by his childhood experiences?

It’s not clear because it can have a genetic or environmental cause (or both). So not sure.

Is his diagnosis BPD?
only asking because that would explain his inconsistencies in thought.
I’m sorry you’ve been through this.
I hope you can re-bond with your brother

ASPD. In hindsight it was so clear.
Thank you, I really want to do that. He was very difficult to like at times but I know he stood up for me too.

The bottom line is OP you and your brother were children who were dependant on your parents. It sounds like your mum was well aware of the odd dynamics but didn't leave your dad. Was your mother being abused by your father also? Either way your mum had parental responsibility to you and your DB.

The golden child always suffers too because they know that if they put a toe out of line (or whatever their abusive oarent wpuld consider to be that) they could be treated just the same way as the scape goat.

I dont really understand why it makes you angry at him that he was abused to. Unless uts because he always took the abusers side and that made you feel like you were not allowed to have a problem with the abuse?

With every kindness though op...if he has anti social personality disorder, it's unlikely you can trust half the stuff he says anyway. If even. I mean, we aren't talking about mental illness here, we're talking about a personality type that is defined by things like manipulation, lack of sense of self, anger, cruelty and violence. So I'd be taking anything he said with a pinch of salt...from as far away from him as possible.

Oh god I wasn’t angry with him because he suffered too. I was angry that he had lied to me for so long. But then I felt sad that I had never known that he carried it by himself.
Yes the lying is an issue, which is why I am not sure what to think. That’s why I said his version seems more credible.
Yes my mother was abused too. It became clear to me as I got older, but she only left when the family imploded (when my father and brother decided to destroy each other).
As I said I benefited greatly from counselling in my 20s after all this, but now I feel like I only knew half the story.
I’ll speak to my mom. I’m not blaming her but I think we could all do with dropping the finger pointing.

It really sounds like you have all been through so much and he was shielding you from it and what happened. It must be equally painful for your mum who prefers to not remember things fully as they are as it must make her feel somewhat guilty that she did not kick him out sooner so you would have suffered less. You need to now start the healing process and try to move on one day at a time. Both my parents are passed but there is loads of stuff I wish could have talked to my dad about as saw a lot of violence also and it does feck with your head for life and your own relationships and lack of trust. Also think your mum used to say those things about your brother as it took away her responsibility and her part in it all by saying things about him but she knows what happened but probably felt powerless at the time as not so much help available for women back then.

Sounds like it was an attempt by your brother to protect you from harm.

Probably the same from your mum.

I'm sorry all this happened, maybe you could reconnect with counselling to try and sort through all of this before you say anything more to your family.

It was my mother who lied. I’m trying not to judge her because I didn’t walk in her shoes, but it’s not easy. I don’t think it was out of maliciousness but protection but it’s hard to justify.

I’ve reached out to him so we can maybe rebuild some bridges if he wants to.
Thanks all, quite confusing all but hopefully a chance to turn some things around.

@Vianna1
Are you able to tell us the circumstances? That would allow us to tailor our support for you & help you realise who should be held accountable from a non biased perspective.

Different lies carry different weights.
Eg. Lying because someone stole a handbag Vs Lying because someone suffered traumatic sexual abuse.

@Carla2022 Yes that makes a lot of sense. I think with my family there will be a lot of lies but the one that shook me was my brother had been sent to therapy and what happened afterwards. My mother had always claimed he’d been sent because he had been scared of school. The truth was that he had sexually assaulted a girl his age, and that the school insisted he’d be seen by a therapist. He did go until we moved so we could “all get a fresh start”. He was never sent elsewhere, was free to roam around by himself for hours, and it was at this time that the violence started.
I 100% understand how this lie came about originally, but I cannot understand at all how they thought this would just go away.
My mother said she was often alone with us and she couldn’t handle my brother. I believe that and can sympathise. But I cannot understand that she didn’t seek help. Apparently our father was against it, which is possible of course.
I have a dd myself, younger than he was back then, but the thought of out of control kids roaming the streets and posing a danger terrifies me. We have always warned her about adults, but never about peers.
God knows what else happened or how a ten/ eleven year old had gotten such an idea in the first place as well.

I cannot fathom why you’d want any contact with him at all. He sounds repulsive and dangerous.
Do you seriously think anything good can come out of this??
Keep your family save.

He’s still my brother and I love him. It doesn’t mean I will move him into my family home…

This sounds similar to my family situation except I’m in your brother’s shoes (although I don’t have ASPD or anything like that!)

Both my brother and I suffered abuse from our dad, but Dad adored me (and I him). I often inadvertently got my brother into trouble with my dad, who would then physically abuse my brother as a consequence. The memories torture me and I still feel awful despite years of therapy and the knowledge that I didn’t actually do anything wrong. Mum adored my brother but disliked me, so I disliked her. My dad died 10 years ago.

My mum has her own spin on events of course and she’s away with the fairies a lot of the time. I never know what to believe as she says so many contradictory things, I can’t trust anything she says really. I have very little contact with her.

She and my brother are close and I’m the black sheep. I have tried many times to gently build a relationship with my brother but he doesn’t seem to want one. We haven’t spoken properly for more than 20 years. I’m pretty sure he hates me to be honest and I think my mum has contributed to this in a large way. He doesn’t know the full story and I might never get a chance to explain things from my perspective. It breaks my heart.

So I don’t have any advice exactly but I thought it might be helpful to share my experience of being on the other side of something like this. I hope you’re able to sort things with him.

I’m so sorry to hear that this happened to you, and that you could not repair the relationship (yet!). I hope it will work out one day when your brother notices the inconsistencies too.
I am certainly guilty of having just believed what I was told, skill definitely take my moms words with a pinch of salt now.
Unfortunately the same applies to my brother who doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to telling the truth either.

I have to say I am quite positively surprised with him and he seems to have changed a lot for the better.
Time will tell but he seems happy to engage with me but does not want close contact with our mother. It’s probably for the best and I will respect this.