Need a handhold - just found out bf has been messaging another woman

[justanothermanicmonday21]

I've been with my bf 2 years and I had a message from another women saying he's been messaging her sexually for 3 months, they were due to meet she's googled him and realised he isn't single like he's told her. He denied but now has admitted to it, he is saying it was a big mistake and is begging me for a second change. He's met my children and me his we all got on so well fully intergrated into each other's families. I would never of said he was this type of person, we struggled at the start of the year and he said he thought I'd checked out and was done but is not excusing what he's done is wrong and he is massively upset. I just feel totally gutted, I can't stop being sick, my head is pounding from crying. I went through the same with my kids dad and he knew that we both said cheating was a no go, we'd never do it etc and now he has and I feel like my worlds fallen apart, I honestly though we were forever.

Sorry to hear that @justanothermanicmonday21 what a shithead. You don’t need to rush to make any decisions but the relationship won’t be the same moving forward if you can’t trust him. A friend of mine showed me evidence of my boyfriend on tinder, I confronted him but believed his bullshit lies - stayed another 6 years until I eventually had enough and left. Looking back I really wish I’d left him much sooner. Sending you a hug x

I know I learnt from my ex once a cheat always a cheat so I know for me this is the end, I have told my family and best friend so I can't go back on it as I know it's the right thing. Just feel gutted. We had a week off planned together, so much to look forward to. It's just so out of character and out the blue I think that's why it's effected me so much I didn't see it coming and didn't think he was capable of it, everyone is in shock.

He. Will. Cheat. Again.

He's only sorry because he got caught. Don't delude yourself that you can have a happily ever after with this man. Get rid.

Don't beat yourself up for being upset 😢 Keep talking on here if you need to, sounds like you have some people to support you around as well.

Thanks for replying my brother was with me but I asked him to leave as I was struggling to just keep it together. I know two years isn't much, I was with the kids dad 12 years but I honestly haven't felt for anyone like this guy and honestly thought it was my happy ending. It's just really shook me as like I said it's so out the blue and not his character at all or so I thought.

He knew your lines he knew the risk.

His loss not yours.
He broke you up.

Try and have a good half term sunny warm jubilee week and forget about him. He is not worth making yourself ill over or you, your kids, family and friends having a rubbish week for.

It’s ok to feel gutted. Just don’t let yourself down and take him back, don’t do that!

So he messed some other woman around for 3 months. Nah, sack that. He doesn't respect you or anyone else's time or feelings. Not only is he a emotional cheat and a liar, he isn't capable of the love and loyalty that you and any other woman deserves.

Tbf though op 'I thought it was forever' - well that's not likely is it? I don't know how old you are but highly unlikely you'll be with someone from now until you die in this day and age. I mean, I'm sure it happens, but it's not common. Point being, don't let romatisising lead you to stay with obviously unsuitable people once they dhow themselves to be what they are. Relationships come and go because people change. What's right for you now may not be 10 years from now. And when people turn out to be...not what you thought and no longer make you happy, its time to move on.

Thanks everyone, I still am feeling messed up. I blocked him on social media and he picked up his stuff. We have messaged on and off mainly him saying he is so sorry, he would do anything to make it right etc. i so want to believe that and am missing him so much but I know it wouldn't be that easy. I can't imagine not having him in my life in some form but I don't know wether I could take him back like that. I would love to believe we could sort things but I am not sure that's possible, I know he is deeply sorry, I know he's not this sort or person and has things from his past that have made him insecure and he needs to work on himself as do I. I just feel so lost in it all. His family have been supportive and messaged saying they are sorry and they can't believe he's done it and that he knows what he's lost etc. it's just such a hard situation, I know things don't always last forever but we just clicked so easily and everything fit in.

He's deeply sorry he got caught. This wasn't a stupid drunken snog in a bar. This was premeditated, knowing your boundaries and experiences re cheating. He will do this again. Don't see the fact that he didn't go through with anything physical as mitigation. What was only because he got caught out. He was completely uncaring of your feelings or hers. Being with a man who has an eye elsewhere is never fun. Don't entertain it. You'll heal quicker keeping this clean break in place.

I've been there too op. It's very hard. I just came on to say that, when he blamed the fact that you were having a rough patch at the beginning of the year, when he suggested that was when he started feeling insecure and thought you'd had enough, that rough patch was actually probably due to him checking out and starting all of this. Thank god you found out now and not further down the line.

Of course he is exactly the sort of person who cheats. His family are going to say nice things - they're hardly likely to tell you that you're the latest in a long line of women he has cheated on. As for the things from his past that have made him insecure which he needs to work on that leaves me near speechless in terms of being any justification for what he has done. How was trying to have a relationship with a woman who thought he was single because he lied to her helping him with his issues? Everybody has issues, not everybody cheats.

I do understand a bit how you feel. I thought I'd met Mr Wonderful after a dreadful relationship and he got up to worse than your boyfriend. I met the real Mr Wonderful shortly afterwards and he has continued to be wonderful for decades since. This lying, cheating snivelling man is not your Mr Wonderful.

No, don’t let him blame his shitty childhood or anything else for this.

He made a choice, over and over again for 3 months. He would have text you, and then text her. He may even have messaged her while he was in your company. Every time he responded to a text, or text her first, he made a choice and had she not contacted you it’s likely he would have met her.

Its unlikely he’s been caught out the first time he’s done this to you, much more likely that he has form for this shitty behaviour and it’s even worse that he did this knowing what you had already been through.

Dont romanticise it; he has shown you who he is and if you let him back you’re letting yourself in for a whole world of pain and hurt, how could you trust him again?

Don’t let this be your life, let it hurt now and know you will move on from it - it’s just going to take time.

Its not your job to fix him, he should have done the work himself and he’s only sorry now he’s been caught.

How are you doing today @justanothermanicmonday21 can you plan some nice things to do this week?

I've been feeling so sick I am struggling to go out for too long, feel like I am letting the kids down. We had so much nice things planned for this week as he had the week off too and it's all just gone to pot. I keep getting upset and snappy I made my 3 year old cry before bed as she came down and I was feeling ill in the bathroom and just shouted for her to please go upstairs.

Its a horrible feeling, try not to be too hard on yourself. Can you have a few lazy days, stay in pyjamas and watch films? Do some baking at home? You will feel better with time: this too shall pass.

You’ve done it once you can absolutely do it again op. He’s sorry and will be sorry next time too if you let him back. 2 years and he couldn’t be faithful. Fuck him!

Handholding here.

You’ve done the right thing. It clearly only ended because this woman messaged you. Bravo to her.

I would delete and block his family as well. You need to focus on you and their messages will not be helping you. Feel free to send them a last message saying you appreciate them and wish them well but you need to move on.

Then focus on keeping busy and enjoying time with your lovely family 💐☕️

Well done. You have been so amazingly brave. I stayed after finding messages that stepped across a line 7 years ago and I am still a mess. It destroyed my self worth and broke me and I have never recovered (I had low self esteem anyway but this put the nail in the coffin I think)
I feel like I want it to be over, but as I am not doing it directly off the back of the incident I feel like the bad guy.
I envy your absolute bravery and you should feel proud.

@VJasper86 it's never too late to end things, you are not the bad guy for ending things. I don't think you'll every really get over something like that to be honest, you've tried and it hasn't worked you shouldn't feel bad about that.

He was messaging asking to see me and we met and spoke and talked things through, he wanted to come round today but I realised I actually don't want to see or spend time with him, I feel very insecure and questioning everything. I've now blocked him on everything. My chest feels tight but I also feel relief.

I have a nice day planned with the kids and my family tomorrow so that will take my mind off things, I haven't got anything planned for the weekend apart from going to the theatre on Saturday night (which my best friends now coming with me) so I perhaps need to book something to do with the kids to keep busy. Then I'll be back at work and I'm working extra hours so I'll be super busy till the summer holiday when hopefully I'll be in a better place!