I'm engaged but can't stop thinking of my ex...

[verawyn]

It's been over 2 years since I have seen her.
We split up 2 years in January.
Since then we are both engaged to different women.
I still have her best friend on all my social media and she has my best friend on hers so I can see things and friend tells me things.
We aren't on each others anymore but we haven't blocked each other.
It ended pretty bad and she's a massive head wrecker.
Narcissistic traits..and treated me like crap (and when I say crap I mean crap )
She messed with my head and has form of messing with every gf she has...but now it seems she's changed her ways
Anyway she got engaged in December last year (think they were together 8 months )and in feb my gf of 1 year proposed and I said yes.
The thing is I think of my ex daily,I probably still check her page every week.
I can't get her out of my head.
I don't want her there anymore because she hurt me bad and I know she's not a nice person.
My fiancé is lovely and she is everything I wanted my ex to be.
My head is a mess
My friends think I'm rushing getting engaged.
What do you think?

I think you know the answer. You need to stop wallowing in the grief, hurt and idea of her.

Your friends are possibly right. You know you aren't being fair to your gf.

Look to yourself. Get your head straight. You need to be kinder to yourself.

You're absolutely rushing into things with your current partner. You need to be honest with her I think.

Op your gf deserves 100% from you and vice versa. If you are not that 100% committed is unfair to get engaged. You need to ask yourself what exactly your feelings for dgf are.I hope it works out for you my lovely

I do love my girlfriend but it was different with ex
I was excited when she text,I loved every minute being around her (probably because she was a bit of a womaniser so was exciting to think she changed for me )
I just can't get her out of my head

I don’t think getting engaged after 1 year is rushing into things but your situation is different. I don’t think it’s that strange to check your ex girlfriend’s page either. Just remind yourself whenever you do that, how terribly she treated you.

Please don't get married op. Your gf does not deserve to marry someone who thinks of another woman as being more exciting and can't get out of her head. How would you feel if your fiancée told you she thought about her ex daily and had these feelings?

You’re clearly looking at things though rose-tinted glasses. You couldn’t have “loved every minute” if she treated your poorly.

You're not being fair to your fiance. If you want to stay with her you need to do the decent thing and block/delete everything to do with your ex so you can at least say you've done all you can not to dwell on the past.

I echo pp’s when saying that you mustn’t enter into a marriage with someone that you are not 100% committed to. I don’t use the word committed to suggest that you would actually cheat on your fiancé because I don’t think that’s the case. I just think that the fact you still have your ex on the brain is not a good foundation to build a marriage upon. It’s not cheating, but it’s not you being entirely straightforward with your fiancé either.

I’m inclined to believe that the fact you still have your ex on your mind is actually more due to the narcissistic abuse you suffered while with her, rather than you still being in love with her, because I’m not getting that from your OP.

Be upfront and honest with your fiancé please. She sounds lovely and it’s even possible she may actually be quite understanding, due to the fact that this was an abusive relationship.

Just don’t lie. It’s not worth it. Better to live in complete honesty and openness than in secrecy and misery, which ultimately, will very likely result in the ending of your relationship. Much more likely that being the cause for the ending of the relationship than if you don’t tell her, put it that way.

** than if you do tell her that should have said.

I love my GF and would honestly be lost without are.
I got no closure from ex,no explanation for why she did the things she did.
Me and her could of been so different if she hadn't of been the way she was back then.

It ended pretty bad and she's a massive head wrecker.
Narcissistic traits..and treated me like crap (and when I say crap I mean crap )
She messed with my head and has form of messing with every gf she has...
You are still caught up in the Trauma Bond that this messy relationship caused -
www.verywellmind.com/trauma-bonding-5207136

but now it seems she's changed her ways
ha ha no it doesn't.
You are setting a lot of store by the words "they're engaged."
They are just that - words, not deeds. Anybody can say them.
Getting "engaged" doesn't make a leopard change her spots.

I still have her best friend on all my social media and she has my best friend on hers so I can see things and friend tells me things.
Your friend is doing you a disservice. She should have advised you to cut this crap out 2 years ago.
You can't dictate who she keeps on her SM, but you can tell her that you no longer want to hear anything about your ex or her buddies.
And you need to block & delete your ex & anyone to do with her.
You will not heal your Trauma Bond until you stop giving this woman head space.

As to your engagement ... are you sure you are not seeing it as some sort of 'moving on competition' with your ex? A defiant "I am ok now!"?
I'm not implying that you did this cynically! - but really the only thing that makes a relationship genuine is the intent & mutuality of both parties - not whether they have a public status announcement.
Give yourself a few days & see how you feel about continuing the engagement with your fiancee.
Then give it a few weeks, & see if a SM & Mention Ban have helped with getting your ex out of your head.
If it has not, I suggest therapy to deal with the fallout of that relationship with your ex, & a tactful cooling-off on the engagement front, while you go through it with a therapist who is experienced in dealing with dysfunctional relationship/abusive partners.

Good luck OP.

Two things.

Firstly, you will NEVER get closure from a narcissist. That’s the whole point. Narcissists are entirely about control and ownership. She no longer has that over you (as far as she knows), so let that one go. You will never get that closure OP.

Secondly, you would never have been different if she had been different because she doesn’t have the capability of being different. It’s who she is. Please get this idea out of your head now. People are who they are. You and nothing you could have done differently would have changed that.

This is dangerous thinking, & will only keep you psychologically trapped.

"If only she wasn't so mean"
"if only she didn't flirt with others & rub my face in it"
"if only she didn't get possessive"
"if only she didn't humiliate me & make me feel small"
"if only she let me sleep when I want to, instead of insisting I stay up to keep her company"
"if only she didn't tell me I look like shit today"

The thing is - she DID do ... whatever she did.
Because THAT IS WHO SHE IS.
You cannot wish away the things she did - because that is who she is.

People are their actions, not their words.
Your ex will be doing similar actions now, to other people.
The words "she's engaged" won't stop her being the person who indulges herself in hurtful actions.
She's a headfucker - you said so yourself. If she is still fucking with your head in a few weeks - get some therapy, because you need your Trauma Bond broken.
Not because there's something wrong with you - because you are a normal, reasonable person who got a bit wrecked by an abusive relationship. And who deserves to stop suffering for it now.

One thing I will say is that I am 99.9% certain that you will hear from your ex again.

Why? Because I’m speaking from experience. I finally found the strength to break away from his narcissistic and emotional abuse. A year later, I met my now DH. Two years after I broke away from the abusive ex, who do you think was in my inbox talking about “oh, you look so happy and well, hope everything is going well for you, blah blah fucking blah”.

Even though you are not “hers” anymore, in her mind, you are still hers.

Be careful of this and if there is contact years from now, DO NOT RESPOND. As you will be feeding the narcissistic beast that lives inside of her.

There are people in my past with whom things would have been different if they had done things differently. But I don't give any thought to that at all because I'm over them and happy in my relationship. It isn't fair to your fiance to push on with her with these thoughts in your head regularly.

It's crazy isn't it how a person can treat you bad,say horrible things to you,make you feel worthless yet you are still drawn to them.
She's not stupid either she will know my friend will be telling me about her engagement etc as she told me she used to put things on her fb to make her other ex jealous.
She is so charming and lovely to everyone but she has such a cold nasty side and if you didn't know her well you wouldn't ever know.

Classic, well-trained, been doing it for years, NARCISSIST.

And no, it’s not crazy. It’s what they do and they’re very good at it.

I wouldn’t even be surprised if her announcement of engagement is a lie, knowing that your best friend will relay it back to you, or rather, that you can see this post because of the mutual friendship.

My God, I’m getting flashbacks just reading this.

The problem is not YOU, OP. The problem is HER. She’s got issues. She’ll always have issues.

Move on with your life and build something beautiful.

You can do it.

Mind over matter. Always.

The problem is not YOU, OP
The problem is that OP is inviting her ex into her life every time she pores over social media posts, is regaled with social media updates about her by her friends, & allows her friends to make her ex a topic of conversation.

knowing that your best friend will relay it back to you
The best friend needs a bloody good shake.

Mind over matter.
Again - this ex will never leave OP's mind while she insists on keeping any SM or comms channels open about her.
It's time to drop the rope, & tell all her mutual pals that she doesn't want to hear another word about her ex.

@KettrickenSmiled

Mind over matter.

Again - this ex will never leave OP's mind while she insists on keeping any SM or comms channels open about her.
**
It's time to drop the rope, & tell all her mutual pals that she doesn't want to hear another word about her ex.

I completely agree with you @KettrickenSmiled

Thank you for elaborating on my previous post.

OP, please take this advice. It is for your own good, I promise.

Best of luck 💐

OP, I can relate a bit to what you're experiencing - at least the point where you can't stop thinking about someone. The thing is, you were in love with the image she presented and not the real person. Her FB page is a complete lie and a way to manipulate you. Nothing good can come from keeping this contact up and your "friend" that's relaying all this information is also part of the issue.

Agree with posters who say the only way out is to go cold turkey and not look back. Focus on your new relationship and making that work.

Yeah I think it's about time I got rid of her friends from my social media and also make sure my friend understands that I don't want to know anything either.
I'm never going to put her in the past otherwise.
I've got lots of fun things with my fiancée planned this year ..2 holidays,gigs etc
She treats me so well and actually loves me
She's a totally different person to ex