To be pi**ed off with husband

[TeenyQueen]

We have a toddler and a baby and I'm on mat leave. For context DH's income puts us in the top 5% of UK households so money shouldn't be an issue.

Also for context, DH is working on his laptop whilst he leaves toddler to watch children's TV. I take the baby upstairs with me whilst I shower and get both of us ready to go out. DD has been watching TV all morning so I mention that I want to take DC out for a walk and pop into a local corner shop to pick up something for toddler's lunch.

Immediately DH starts to rant at me that I'm wasteful and happy to waste money, I shouldn't buy anything from a corner shop (using my own money) when I could go to a budget supermarket which is also not far away. He also rants about the fact that I recently bought nappies from Waitrose when he felt that we didn't need more nappies. For context Waitrose is the only shop nearby that sells the nappies we use for DD. I'm apparently so wasteful and can't use money properly, he goes in a proper rant in front of our children.

I try to calmly explain that I prefer the walk to the corner shop because the road is quieter, the shop is quieter and there's a park halfway there so I can stop to feed the baby on the way if necessary and toddler can play. Oh no, I'm just making stupid excuses for being wasteful.

DH has never been out with both DC on his own so he doesn't see any of my points about convenience, parking etc. I'm fuming at him by this point and take both children out to frigging Waitrose for a nice little lunch at the cafe.

I'm not speaking to him now, what an asshat for making me feel bad for trying to do something nice with our children.

For context we have a joint family account and our individual bank accounts. DH naturally pays in vast majority of funds because he's a top earner and I pay in a portion of my salary.

I just wanted to rant really. ☹️

Sounds like there is more to it, maybe he is having some money issues or some debt he hasn't told you about?

Ask him why he's suddenly become such a tight arse.

I agree this sounds strange unless he has fork for this? Is he always like this with money or has it been more since you had children or went in maternity leave?

He’s out of order of course but why doesn’t he do any proper parenting? Why is he on his laptop at the weekend? Is he normally expected to work weekends?

He sounds totally disengaged as a father. He didn’t even look after the baby and toddler together while you had a shower?!

I do not like the sound of your DH at all. I don't suppose he thinks he is at all wasteful either in what he spends so why is he criticising you like he is?. BTW when was the last time you had your haircut or did something for you?. And did he moan or otherwise huff and puff about it when you did?. I am wondering if he regards you people as his family; I do not think he does given how he behaves to you as their mother.

Re your comment:
"DH has never been out with both DC on his own"

Why is that?. Or is that really and also because he does not want to.

Thank you ladies. No money worries, no debt apart from mortgage. He normally has at least a couple of hundred pounds in cash in his wallet.

DH has always been a bit weird with money and we've had to deal with this several times in the past. He grew up poor and his mum was a proper pound stretcher who was extremely careful with money. I grew up in a comfortable middle class family with two professional working parents. It's hard to explain, this really shouldn't be an issue because there is plenty of money, he just doesn't seem to understand that as a mother of two young children I usually choose convenience over a slight financial gain. We're talking shopping at the local Waitrose to get something specific rather than driving 15 min to Tesco to save a couple of £. Furthermore if I'm spending my own money I think I can damn well do what I like!

"DH has always been a bit weird with money and we've had to deal with this several times in the past. He grew up poor and his mum was a proper pound stretcher who was extremely careful with money".

Your DH is still weird with money and its left its mark on him to this day.

What you need to be careful of here is the potential for him to be financially abusive towards you and actively starts denying you access to money or making you account for every single penny you spend. Does he regard "his" money as solely his and the money in your sole named account as "his" too?. Such men never ever want to share and I would also think you do not yourself have a couple of hundred pounds in your own purse.

You're also facilitating his career here whilst yours is put on ice because of the children.

His logic only stacks up if YOUR time has no value. ie he thinks what you do,is worthless.

I’d ask him this straight. Maybe get him to cost up what he’d have to pay to outsource everything you do. (Nanny, cleaner, gardener)

Surely not.. i use corner shops and i get universal credit as im a mum to 2 toddlers... surely he isnt actually bothered about this :S

My partner also popped in and bpught m&s nappies the other week, i didnt think anything of it.

somethings not right

also whats the point of working hard and earning a decent wage if your going to still struggle?? use it, enjoy it...

Or you may aswell both be jobless living on crap benefits and pennypinching still

I'm with @AttilaTheMeerkat , he sounds like a nasty piece of work who places little value on what you do while doing very little with his children.

His ranting at you is abusive sounding and I would be concerned he has potential to be financial abusive too.

Be wary here.

Good you have a job to return to.

Protect yourself.

I think you are being infantalised. Your husband is behaving like he thinks that you, his silly little airhead, just doesn't know how to spend money wisely.

I'm a sensible spender and a great saver. From a working class background, but not poor. I say this only to back you up, give you support and reassurance that you are not the problem.

I shouldn't buy anything from a corner shop (using my own money)

This is ridiculous. People buy the occasional bits & bobs from corner shops. That's ok. Milk, painkillers, sweets, this kind of thing. Some people do it every now and again to support smaller businesses.

Waitrose does stock more expensive brands, but there's also a lot of things in Waitrose that are the same price or even cheaper than some supermarkets, like Co-Op.

Furthermore if I'm spending my own money I think I can damn well do what I like

Yes, exactly, but I'm not sure if your husband is even thinking logically. The fact that he's on a higher salary hasn't sunk in, and additionally, he thinks he has the right to micro-manage your spending. Not being able to micro-manage it is probably giving him anxiety. If he has any 'I'm the King of my Castle, and what I say goes' complex going on, that's really not good.

What's he like otherwise as a person, to spend time with? Is is on the fretting, anxious side? Grumpy? Bad tempered? How does he deal with stress and everyday mishaps? How does he deal with small things like not being able to find a parking space or something minor breaking down in the house?

If my DH was ranting at me, I wouldn't be calmly explaining anything to him. I'd be telling him to fuck off until he could discuss it rationally.

Furthermore if I'm spending my own money I think I can damn well do what I like!

Exactly tell him OP.

Growing up poor can cause issues like this though my nan would scrimp and scrape unnecessarily with 3 kids under 5 when hers were young. Don't get me wrong things were tight but she made her own life twice as hard. She's like that now... if I take her a drink she will ask me if it was a lot of money. God knows why I don't expect the money back! She's my nan! God love her!

I think if you ask your husband to take both kids out ive lunchtime it would be helpful to see how he approaches the situation. My husband often makes suggestions on how I can save money (driving out of town for the cheap petrol etc). If convenient I follow his advice, but he doesn’t tell me off for making my own decisions. Sounds like his childhood money struggles hasn’t left him. Men can be dicks at times.

With energy bills going double price, my lovely husband now tells me to use the oven once a day maximum and plan to do it so I don't do it twice even if I need to :).

I agree at that time and then do what I need to do :).

I think most people will be feeling at least more sensitive to costs, if not outright panicking. I just snapped at my husband over him wanting bacon for breakfast when I am trying to not shop again till the 1st and he was just being reckless. Reckless with bacon 🙄. It was ridiculous of me for many reasons, most to do with how fortunate and privileged we are. But these days I am on edge over money and snappy - nothing seems quite stable and it feels rude to be wasteful or excessive when others are living in poverty. You don't have to have money worries yourself to be affected in spirit by what society is going through right now.

I've always preferred to buy from small family-owned corner shops as much as possible, because I prefer my money to go to a family than to a big international supermarket. And I've done that even when money was tight.

However some people are misers by nature, poor things.

Your husband is financially controlling, and his lack of respect for you is very alarming.

Unless I'm mistaken, your still spending extra my burning fuel to save a bit ?

If you were to do your dh suggestion ?

I grew up dirt poor. DH's family has always had money. We're comfortable with a reasonable amount of savings. We're both naturally frugal and save money wherever we can. I hate paying more for something than is necessary, so can understand where your DH is coming from, but he shouldn't order you around or be an arse about it. At the same time I take the kids out for lunch or to softplay or whatever all the time without running it past DH first. We have our own money to spend as we wish and wouldn't question eachother on it.
There's a difference between saving money where you can and scrimping to the point where you're living a joyless life.
Your DH is being a condescending dick.

I’m more concerned about the ranting and the accusation that you’re making excuses than the weirdness about money. Who the fuck does he think he is? Your dad? Your boss? Or someone else who has the authority to speak to you like shit and refuse to accept your rationale?

Seriously…why does he even get a say?