Those with depressed dh's how do you cope, will it ever end

[bubbleandsqueak]

My DH has not been himself for a few months now and we have worked out that he's propbaly depressed but is very reluctant to see a dr and get medication.

So where do we go from here????

Our relationship is at an all time low, he is unable to show affection towards our dc or me and is not interested in sex.

I am beginng to think that I should move on from this relationship as I don't feel right at this moment that I can keep going, my patience and understanding is running out as I feel i am putting a great deal of myself into trying to make it work and he's not even trying.

Should I hang in there or am I flogging a dead horse???

Bubble, didn't want to read and run.

My DP has suffered with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for the last yr and a half. Although its not the same as depression some of the symptoms sound similar.

He also withdrew from me I feel just after his traumatic event which as you know can be very difficult.

Would he reconsider the GP if he knew you were thinking of leaving?

Try to remember that this is not the real him iyswim, with some help you will get him back but he has to get that help for himself.

Only you can say if you want to hang in there, but do try and persuade him to go to the GP's if you can.

Hi Sherby, Thanks for answering, I am sorry that you have had a difficult time, has it got any better? If so what helped?

I have tried shocking him tonight by moving into the spare room, however I think he is so withdrawn from me that its not going to bother him that much.

I do understand that he has a stressful job and the commute to and from France doesn't help, but I think he should try a little harder to connect with me.

Right at the moment I feel like the un paid hired help.

Its not doing a lot for my self confidence!!!

a quick comment from me, husband told me very depressed and stressed feb07. Rollercoster ride, but the best thing for me is to put myself and children and pet first. I litterally demonstrate how i spot a problem, i put it into words then with the person or cat concerned get on with solving it. I no longer try to solve husbands problems. I have given him a list of sources of help Including samaritains.

Its really hard to know when to look after yourself and when to sit by the phone wondering how long to leave it before calling police to ask them to search for someone still out thinking on a car drive.

All the best .

miloi

Do you share aspects of each others lives or are they seperate?

I sort of feel that by not sorting his problems out thats he is no longer interested in us as a family.

I don't think I could 'leave him to it' as I am someone who needs to be included, IYSWIM so for me its all or nothing.

Its a bit harsh I know to think about leaving but I know he's only priority at the moment is himself, he's not thinking about us for our future.

Thanks for listening, I have a lot to get off my chest as I feel that this New Year was one of the most miserable ones i have ever had, even though we had friends around he still managed to concentrate mainly on himself!

Isn't Mumsnet great?

you can have a rant without having to deal with any consequences.

my H has been depressed for about 2.5yrs and withdrew so much that he left. then he came back, then he left again, then he came back and finally left again Oct 06.

contact has been sporadic. he got help, lots of it but he stopped seeing his psychiatrist and taking his medication spring 07.

we lost the business and our house thru it. december 07 i finally moved into my own flat and we are discussing divorce.

he is very erratic with contact and sometimes goes 3 months without seeing dd. then he'll see her several times then nothing again.

he does seem to be a lot better than he was. he's working full time and contributing financially but the selfishness and total absorption in himself is still very very evident.

tbh, i don't know that he even is still depressed but he seems to have totally immersed himelf in doing what he wants when he wants and stuff everyone else.

occasionally there are flashes of the old helpful, generous, happy man that i married but they are few and far between.

whenever he has been helpful, pleasant, present etc it seems to have a backlash of withdrawal.

imo, your OH needs to seek help in the form of counselling and medication but you can lead a horse to water etc etc. he has to be ready to get that help. would he go to some form of mediation or relate?

in the meantime it's good advice to put yourself and your dc first. you aren't responsible for his frame of mind or his problems. horrid as it is and i totally understand that you want the man you married back but you can't force that.

my h told me at xmas that he was irrepairable and that i couldn't have done any more than i did.

hope things improve for you soon.

Hi Bubble, I've had a lovely long sleep!!

I can only give little answers as the whole story would fill a book to explain.

We share discussions about the childrens education, money, household maintenance and mil next door for example. I try to keep any discussion to one topic and keep it business like, with a purpose, not to get closer to him as a person. That doesn't happen.

I do the laundry, clean fridge and floors...so we have a safe environment, but I leave his bedroom and bathroom and loo for him to clean and tidy.

I think the whole process of realising that he has a problem, putting it into words and then trying out different methods of tackling it is a very personal and long one. Mine has done one non verbal intervention, he had a sports massage for a running injury. That was a big step for him and could open up a path of beginning to care for his body in a better way, then maybe the could progress to caring more deeply about his soul or heart for want of a better word.

The not caring for the rest of the family could be simply a sign of how little he cares or can care for himself. Maybe don't take it too personally. I had a couple of bad years round 2000-2003 and I became a black hole from time to time. Knowing that feeling from the inside is a bit of a help when my partner is going through similar, BUT it doesn't take away my very deep disappointment and fury at the lack of care and friendship coming from him. That surprised me in myself.

Be as aware as you can be of your physical reactions to what you are going through, write it down, share with any real life person if one springs to mind, share with head of childrens school so they are aware, you will not be the first. Even my manky head was actually very helpful on this matter.

One thing I did was call an old friend of his and ask him to get in touch urgently. He did bless him. Not that there has been any contact since, but at least I tried.

I got fed up with being my husband's sole source of support and said so.

This has turned into a book, but there is a lot to share!

Sympathy. I reckon depression is worse for the partner than for the depressed person - they're invoking all the self-defence mechanisms they can (withdrawing from contact, not caring about anything ,etc) whereas the partner has to get through everyday life, take all the stress onto themselves, AND try and be there for someone who isn't properly there themselves.... if that makes sense.

Think it partly depends on why he's depressed. If it's a reaction to something in his life that could change for the better in the future, I'd say hang on in there for a while longer. If it just came out of nowhere.... well i don't know......

My dh was depressed, for nearly a year, when he was unemployed. I thought I would never see the "real him" ever again. It was really awful and our relationship was pretty bad. But recently he has managed to get a job again and his mood has bounced back and now he is his old self again.

agree with sally that it's almost harder for the partner living with a depressed person.

there are some good books on amazon for both sufferers and family/partners living with someone else's depression.

i'm not sure if it's easier to have them at home or absent tbh. because my H absented himself I guess I am almost envious of those of you whose OHs have stayed. but OTOH at least i didn't/don't have the daily strain of living with someone who requires such a massive amount of support without giving anything back.

hobsons choice i guess.

having said that, there is a huge amount of anxiety when they are absent. where are they, who are they with, will they reply to a text (never a phone call!), will they come when they say they will, will they stay when they do come or will they sneak out the back door when you're feeding the baby etc etc.

either way, if your OH is depressed it's incredibly difficult for you as an individual and you need to look after yourself as much as possible.

ps: wish H had the same response to getting a job and being successful in it.

tbh, i think he's thru it now but but he thinks too much has happened for us to make it right again.

he's probably right too.

Paddlechick maybe the difference is length of time and severity of the depression? My husband was only really depressed for about a year, so maybe the depressive circuits in the brain didn't have so much time to become so hard-wired? also he did manage to keep playing sport nearly every week, which he thinks was what got him through it really. (even though he was fairly crap because depression seems to make you bad at sport for some reason! I know I shouldn't laugh at it but he did make it hard for himself when he was so miserable every time he lost!!! ie every week!!! )

I don't think he will ever really understand how hard it was for me at the time. It was a very solitary, miserable time for both of us and I think that can make it difficult to get things back on track afterwards. And sometimes maybe impossible depending on the individual situation.

My DP has had depression for at least a couple of years now - too many traumatic events in his life. He was on meds, then came off them (without seeing a doc), prompting a gradual slide in self-absorption, irritability and inability to deal with life in general, till finally he had a breakdown about six weeks ago. Now he is back on meds after realising he HAD to see a doc - did so on his own. I am 7 months pg and have had to act as his buffer between him and the world. My motivation is to give him as much help as possible so that he can be the best Dad he can.

I REALLY sympathise/empathise with you. If your DP is anything like mine he will be so withdrawn that it will be hard to get him to see how important counselling and meds are to his condition.
I'm sure you know about the broken leg analogy - if that was the problem, would he think twice about getting help? No.

This has to be the first step. Only you can decide how much more you are willing to put up with. Its so hard when someone you love says they dont care about anything - even you. I remember asking my DP if he wanted to be happy and that seemed to get a response. No-one can actually want to feel like this.
I wish you all the best.

Interestingly I have been shocked a how much time and energy he devotes to himself, even though he thinks he gets no 'me time' because I ask him to help with the children etc.

I have spoken again to him this morning after spending the night in the spare room (me that is not him), he says that things are begining to become a little clearer and he does recognise that I have been trying very hard to support him.

He says he may even seek medical help, which is a step in the right direction.

I have given him an ultimation as I cant live with the not knowing, my life is fairly complicated without having a wild card thrown in, my big hope is that in recognising that he needs help he is able to come to terms and deal with the problem that has created the situation in the first place.

I have asked him to let me know what are his intentions by the end of next week!

Sounds like you are doing all you can, hope things get better for you very soon!

I'm very much on milou on this issue.

In order not be dragged down too you need to be able to get on with your own responsibilities (and his, no doubt) and so a bit of distance is inevitable.

A very lonely place, I agree. I feel like a single mum and my dh refuses to get any help.

Hello there, a male perspective here...

Depression is the loneliest place to be, it is very difficult to quite describe how isolating it can feel. All the repressed anger, the desperation, the bleak outlook. And, as has rightly been pointed out, it can be as hard (I wouldn't say harder) for those closest to the person who is depressed.

That is relevant to real depression. The type where "come on, snap out of it" is not an option. Real depression requires strength, love and support to break out of. A good first point is the GP but they can be a bit prescription happy and prescribe meds without working on what lies beneath. That is why I feel counselling is at least as important and may even be the favourable option. How do you get him there? Well, if reasoning doesn't work, then you have to use tough love. Hard to explain in short but if you have any doubt as to what it means, google it and you will find a raft of answers. Basically, you will need to be tough to be kind and let your DP know that either he gets help, or the consequences will be tricky to say the least.

And of course, it is a very classic cycle for partners of depressed people to be "brought down" with them. That is why so many people here have rightly said that you also need to not lose sight of yourself and your own needs. By looking after yourself first you will be looking after him too.

All of which is, as I say, relevant to real depression. But there is a big difference between someone who is down and someone who is really truly depressed. The former is a temporary state of mind, the latter is an illness. Please don't get me wrong if I say this but it is also important to ascertain that your DP is actually depressed and not simply unhappy with his life and his relationship. Many of the traits displayed when a relationship is not working - i.e. lack of sex drive, refusal of intimacy, withdrawing oneself, being down, looking hung dog - are also symptoms of depression too. I think therefore that it is important to ascertain whether he is truly depressed - and in need of treatment and sympathy - or just in a rut and fed up with this relationship. You yourself sound like you are fed up with it and he may be too.

With this in mind, perhaps one other option you have is to suggest that the relationship is in difficulty and look at the possibility of couple's counselling. This may be a less daunting (almost backdoor) way of getting him into a therapy environment. A good therapist, when working with the two of you together, will see if he is truly depressed and may be able to steer him towards some help. You can look upon couple's counselling as looking after yourself in order to look after someone else - in this case your DP.

I hope this is of some help to you and wish you all the best at this very difficult time.

postingatlast, a very good point about maybe it just being the relationship in trouble and not a bout of real depression. I myself have asked that question to him a good few times as it has been bringing me down as well, he has answered that it is not just one thing but a combination of family responsibility and being trapped in a job that he no longer is interesed in, along with many other factors.

My personal feeling are that I am ready to accept the ending of the relationship all be it with great sadness as we are really good buddies normally, rather than stay together for the sake of the children. I have given him this opton and as yet he hasn't deceided either way as yet. I think he realises that he needs to seek help and advice before making any big decisions in his life.

He is away from home until Thursday this week spending his evening in hotels which he now hates, maybe he will make the effort to get that help and realise that his home life is fairly good especially if he choses to participate in it.