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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I miss my husband when he's at work, but hate him in the house.

22 replies

Jen567 · 27/05/2022 19:44

Hey everyone, not sure what's going on. I always miss my husband when he's at work, but I struggle to be around him on a night when the kids have gone to bed. I can't see a future without him, but I'm not sure why I'm feeling like this? We've only been married 1 year.

OP posts:
RoseLunarPink · 27/05/2022 20:01

What is it about him? Is he inconsiderate or lazy, gets in your way etc, or do you find him boring or you don’t share interests? How old are the DC and has it changed since you got married?

Original poster
Jen567 · 27/05/2022 20:05

We like different shows and that but I wouldn't say he's lazy. Our children are all under 7. I just used to love being around him, I used to crave it. If that makes any sense. Our sex life is pretty much non existent at the moment.

OP posts:
RoseLunarPink · 27/05/2022 20:08

Do you think he’s changed or is it more that you have? Having small children can mean you’re too tired/have no time for sex, but is it more recent?

Original poster
Jen567 · 27/05/2022 20:13

I wouldn't say either of us have changed, it's just things that never bothered me bother, seem to bother me now. The past 6 months have been awful, we just seem to be arguing all the time, sometimes about absolutely nothing. He's a good man, I just don't get it.

OP posts:
Rewritethestars1 · 27/05/2022 20:20

I sometimes feel like this because when I see dh its always after a full on day of work and dc so I'm touched out, exhausted and irritable.

Original poster
Jen567 · 27/05/2022 20:59

I'm glad I'm not alone!

OP posts:
PangoPurrl · 27/05/2022 21:09

I had this with my ex and I think it's a real warning sign. The way you feel when he's not with you is to do with your idealised/rose tinted view/idea of him, but when you're together the reality of who he really is and how he makes you feel in the moment hits. If you've grown apart then it's possible that those two versions aren't going to suddenly become one again (ie the person you met, that has flaws but that you fell in love with anyway) unless you find a way to reconnect and rediscover those positive feelings enough to outweigh the flaws/differences being more prominent.

Original poster
Jen567 · 27/05/2022 21:16

Thank you for responding, definitely thinking about what you have said. Xx

OP posts:
SmiledWtherisingsun · 27/05/2022 22:25

How old are you op?
I felt like this a couple of years ago. DH then said he felt depressed, so had some counselling & I started HRT. Much better now. It may pass.

Original poster
Jen567 · 28/05/2022 07:24

I'm 31 and he's 35

OP posts:
BigPants2022 · 28/05/2022 07:44

Im in a similar place. You are not alone. We’re having counselling…it’s helping our communication but not our sex life or my desire to have sex with him. My kids are really young still and I keep hoping some of the spark will come back in time. I like my husband but I don’t feel like we get each other anymore. We’ve been married 3 years together 6 but known each other for over 10 years. I think I fell in love with my friend and then the idea of a life with kids together and now the reality of our flaws and how different we are is overwhelming.

Darhon · 28/05/2022 08:30

Do you work? Do you have time without kids and with friends? What’s the context. It’s common for the honeymoon to be completely over after 5 years and small kids are hard work. You might need to remember who you are and rebase a bit. If you’re at home most if the day bag do most of life admin and housework, it can be fairly boring and you can resent the partner who is out at work. I know some women love being SAHMs but for many people it’s ultimately a drudge. Especially once the kids are past toddler stage. Your partner can’t ever be the thing that defines you - more your foundation.

Original poster
Jen567 · 28/05/2022 08:32

I completely get what you mean. ❤ everyday I keep telling myself that it will be better tomorrow.

OP posts:
Olderkids · 28/05/2022 08:39

I think you will find many women feel the same. Most I know wouldn’t marry again. I feel that I have been lucky In so many ways - long marriage to a good man who has never been a drinker/gambler/womaniser. We have both worked hard and we should be really busy enjoying life in my opinion, but he is a home bird and life can be very boring. The dilemma for any of us is whether life really would be greener on the other side? I think if you are a younger woman,you probably shouldn’t settle for a life that isn’t fulfilling.

Sunnygirl1 · 28/05/2022 08:44

How many children do you have?

How long have you been together?

It could be the 1st 7 years of marriage crises - it can easily happen to some couples after1, 3, 5, 7, 10 years.

Then again every 3-5-7-10 years and often every decade (every 10 years as we all grow, develop, marure and could change as a person.

We've been married for 17 years. From time to time I noticed how much we disagreed but then always sorted it quickly - the same day or the next day maximum. It's all about improving communication and how a couple behaves after a disagreement - can they talk it all through peacefully without feeling angry or not.

Could you please give us 2-3 recent examples of you disagreeing/arguing to see what to do/not to do and what to say/not to say and to try to see how the communication could improve?

Happy couples who mainly live in peace have well-developed good manners and a high level of emotional intelligence. It's something that can be improved and it leads to having better happier relations.

WakeWaterWalk · 28/05/2022 08:49

Sounds trite but can you get out together, without the children?

Sunnygirl1 · 28/05/2022 08:50

Did you talk to him about almost non-existent sex life at the moment?

What are your and his sex life frequency expectations?

Some people just have different sex drives and sometimes nothing can be done about it. We either accept the person with their level of sex drive - high, average, low or we find the one who has a similar sex drive lever to hours and we share our life with a more sexually compatible person.

Loopytiles · 28/05/2022 08:52

You say you’ve ‘only been married a year’ but also say you have DC. So presumably have cohabited a long time.

Sounds like ‘mating in captivity’ and boredom.

Loopytiles · 28/05/2022 08:53

Are you AH or working yourself? If the former, are you perhaps bored with that?

CharSiu · 28/05/2022 09:19

Long term relationships can have boredom issues. All you mention is watching different shows together.

You need stuff to talk about and do stuff that isn’t just domestic stuff or kids. Obviously those things will always get talked about but you need other interests. Even if those interests are very different. DH and I have always had a lot of interests out of the home. Some match up such as our love of hill walking and some don’t.

KeepingItReal2017 · 28/05/2022 22:38

Finding myself in a similar situation! Following the thread... is it that life is hard, tiring and not newly exciting the way it was pretty kids? My kids are my world, they give me joy & im so happy with them. Me and my partner don’t get along atm & ive no idea why! Hoping it will pass

LionelMessy · 07/06/2022 23:02

You not alone with this sort of thought.

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