End of tether - coercive control

[notthisagain67]

a At end of my tether. Husband refuses to consider separation via mediation. I plan to start divorce proceedings but given it’s cost me £1k plus Iawyers fees to get to that stage, I need to save some money for the fight it’s going to be so planning on starting the process in the next few months. I don’t talk to him and usually gray rock him, but he has now started trying to control me via child arrangements- he is refusing to look after our son unless I folllow his ‘conditions’ and in one email he describes looking after him as ‘a favour’ to me (though he refuses to do it). In refusing to look after our son, he Id forcing me to take him off work (unpaid or as holiday) or to pay for childcare (which he will not contribute towards). There is a history of coercive control and gaslighting. I have an IDVA and social services are involved (primarily due to physical abuse/hitting of stepson by husband) but the latter is not the best at responding and ss are not interested in my experience other than telling me to get out. i can’t get through to Womens aid and seem to speak to a different police offer each time I talk to them, and they are difficult to get hold of. I feel that I am now being controlled in that my ability to work is being impacted and if I work, I am being financially abiusrd. By being forced to pay for childcare. Bear in mind that he earns almost x2 as me. Any advice welcome - I am feeling so anxious and stressed

Are you able to claim benefits to help with child care costs. Separate yourself from him as
Much as you can. Don't allow him to be part of your child care plans. That gives him control.

My ex was always letting the kids down. I just stopped bothering him. Told him if he wanted to see the kids to let me know.

I didn't and still don't have any conversation with him. Just tell me time you or picking up or dropping off. He has upped his game recently with new girlfriend. He get short to the point answers. He has treated the children and I like shit for years. So I'm not getting drawn in by this facade
TaKe him out of the equation completely

@unicornsarereal72 thanks. Completely agree with your comments. However we are still in the same home and he is accusing me of witholding ds from him (even though he refuses to look after him unless it’s on his terms). I don’t qualify for benefits unfortunately as fall into the ‘middle’ band of earnings.

Leave.

You don't need his agreement to separate.
If you don't have enough money to leave, present as homeless to your council.

Can you leave now, maybe rent somewhere until the divorce is settled?

Someone told me, when I was going through similar to simply 'drop the rope'. Stop trying to engage him in parenting with him. I

n the end I got really good childcare, it was more than my mortgage a month, but I could just about manage. That way I didn't have to rely on him for anything. I'd give him the option, but when he tried to use it against me, or try to control me, id simply say 'that's ok, I've got it covered'. I had a nanny and she knew the score so would be on standby for any issues or broken promises. My dc are now teenagers and I don't need childcare any longer. I dread to think what it cost me financially but it was worth every penny for my mental health

Thanks. Problem is that we have a joint mortgage and am hoping for around 50% of equity upon sale (which hopefully will happen upon divorce) so can’t just move. I agree that I am certainly not going to ask him I any favours again if I can help it

Have you planned out your finances for when you do split - is the house definitely to be sold, and can you afford to buy somewhere else? How long were you together/married? I was with my ex 10 years and married 10 years, so the solicitor said that counts as a 20 Yr relationship and as such, as I had the children for most of the time, I got a bigger share of equity. It can be difficult if you move out and put everything in place to live separately before the divorce is finalised as you're showing the court you can manage financially on your own. I lived with my ex for 2 years while divorce went through as he wouldn't move out which was awful for everyone, kids included, but was worth it in the long run. Are you sure you couldn't get tax credits? (May now be UC). I did even with him still being in the house as I could evidence with copies of texts and letters that we were split up and managed finances separately. Also check for child maintenance, if you have it in writing from him that he won't have the kids then you're having them most of the time. You may not be able to claim yet from him but it all adds up to evidence you can use in the future to get him to contribute.

As an alternative could you consider changing your job or going part time temporarily, or could your family help out with childcare? How old is your child?

I don't think mediation is recommended with an abusive person. Good luck.

Mediation isn't required when there is domestic abuse.

It may be worth speaking to citizens advice as you may be entitled to legal aid if you have domestic abuse on record.

Now non fault divorce is in action, you can do the divorce yourself online - it is straight forward enough as a sole applicant. You may need a solicitor to help divide the assets but again legal aid may be available to you in your circumstances, but any legal fees would potentially need to be paid back when you have your portion of the assets 👍

Thanks all.
child is aged 4. Married 8 years. No family nearby at all nor friends I could stay with. Going to have to stay in house until divorce finalised and property sold I think.
im settled in my job snd though I keep being invited to pay for better paid jobs, my head if not in the right place to get there and do well.