Relationship concerns

[CandleHoarder]

This is going to be a post for me to try to unravel my feelings about a relationship that I'm beginning to question. Name changed of course, I don't want to risk anyone realising who I am.

We've been together well over a year, both in our sixties. I'm widowed, he's got a messy separation in his past.

Maybe I allowed myself to be bowled over by his intense emotions and by my need to fill the space that my late husband left. I should add I've ADHD and he's living with Bi Polar Disorder and OCD, most likely ADHD too, maybe on the Autistic Spectrum too, quite possibly I am too. So, the feelings can be intense and maybe not quite as straightforward as they are for some.

For a while I've been getting more and more irritated by his ranting. Most of the time I actually agree with him, politics is one of the things that drew us together. But he rants so. And other little quirks just get on my nerves. Yet, I really like him. He's good, and kind, and caring. He's very vulnerable, had a shitty childhood and his adult life has gone spectacularly wrong. Got a lot of health problems.

The trouble is my husband had many similarities, including severe health issues. Due to awful events, including our child dying, I went on heavy doses of anti depressants and became quite numb on top of deep deep grieving and I distanced myself from my late husband before he died. I suspect that part of my new relationship is compensating for what I did not do for my husband in the last year of his life. I feel very guilty I was not there for him in his physical and emotional pain.

This weekend I was meant to be going to my new partner's home, about 90 miles away. I have been feeling so negative about it. We've not seen each other for a couple of weeks already. I just couldn't stand the thought of him fussing around in his little flat and being bored shitless tonight while he watched some TV that didn't interest me at all. Tbh, the ADHD makes it hard for me to watch TV anyway, my mind wanders off. There's nothing there for me to do so I take my own laptop to amuse me and a book but there's no space.

Now I've messaged him to say I'm not coming and of course he's so hurt. Talking about his plans to take me somewhere nice. I can't lie and I don't want to hurt his feelings. Just feeling shitty and confused at the moment. Wondering if I really want to split up, if me and my over whelmed ADHD brain just need some space . And if I do want to initiate a split, just how????? I really don't want to hurt him and our lives are so enmeshed with holidays booked, his hobby equipment at mine as he has so little space. Everything.

Just confused, and wanted to write this completely anonymously and maybe get some feedback.

Relationships should enhance and add value to your life.

I suggest you write a list of how this relationship does this.

What are your common interests?
What do you enjoy doing together?
How do you see a future together?

The distance makes it tricky as you can't simply pop round to see each other.

Thanks! I knew another perspective could help. That's really positive.

If he dumped you, how would you feel?

Relief, hurt, sad.

That may tell you if you are taking his feelings too much into account.

This is going to sound quite harsh but I think you have enough with your own problems and stuff you are needing to work through without adding this guy to it.
He sounds like a project.

Some folks show ostentatious vulnerability to reel people in, and trigger their maternal caring instincts. It's a red flag to me.

The ranting would be so off-putting too, it's draining, being around someone focused on negatives and ruminating on it.
And I'm guessing he has all the answers about how the government should do things? And yet his life is messed up.

You mentioned wanting an exit, as you haven't seen him, just keep it that way, tip toe out, and maybe meet up in the next few weeks at a public half way point with his stuff.

Reduce your availability for texting and calling, getting back to him less and less, then tell him you don't want a relationship with him and need to return his belongings.

Do what makes you feel happy and joyful, you've been through a lot and deserve a good life.

Thanks every one, you've given me a lot to think about.

I think that if you were in a healthy relationship, you wouldn't (need to) be posting here. You'd be having a frank discussion with your partner about what's bothering you, and how to move forward.

I think you need to tell him you're incompatible, you're sorry, and that he needs to arrange for his stuff to be picked up from yours/holidays cancelled. He's not adding joy to your life, is he. He's not doing anything wrong, but that doesn't mean he has to be the right man for you.

Oh OP.

Your entire post is racked with guilt & compensating other people for their own upsetting feelings. Which are in fact up to THEM to manage, if they want to be called adults.

You have nothing to feel guilty for.
It was heartwrenching to read you castigating yourself for feeling numb from anti-depressants when your husband was nearing the end of his life. For goodness sake my dear, you were taking A-D's because you had undergone the worst bereavement a human can suffer.
I am so sorry for your loss

Now I've messaged him to say I'm not coming and of course he's so hurt. Talking about his plans to take me somewhere nice. I can't lie and I don't want to hurt his feelings. Just feeling shitty and confused at the moment. Wondering if I really want to split up, if me and my over whelmed ADHD brain just need some space .
Wait a minute.
You give so much import & attention to HIS neurodiversity, but seem to spare no compassion for your own.
The thing is - your b/f doubles down on your obvious guilt & uses it to manipulate you with.
What about his compassion for YOUR neurodiversity?

I'm lucky enough to be NT.
If a pal had to let me down last-minute on a weekend because she was burned out / knackered / whatever - sure I'd be disappointed.
But what I would NOT do - whether her cancellation was to do with managing her ADHD or not - would be to bang on about being "hurt" & all the activites we would now not be doing.
I would be commiserating with her, asking her if she had everything she needed to have whatever recuperative weekend she was giving herself instead, & looking forward to seeing her another time.
If she were ND, I would be especially careful not to bloody guilt trip her about it!

What I would like you to ask yourself is - why is my b/f being so selfish?
And ... how often is he this selfish?
How much of a pattern is it in our relationship?

I think you are punishing yourself for the sad circumstances around your husband's death, & it is so unnecessary, & so self-sabotaging I wonder if you have had time & space to process it properly?
Did you have bereavement counselling? Or any other form of therapy?
Would you consider some now, to help you make sense of why you are so damn hard on yourself?

None of this, btw, is meant as criticism of you.
Quite the reverse. Reading between your lines, there is a loving, kind & empathic woman ... & I wonder if you are doing yourself a disservice with this relationship.

The ranting is ... a worry. Do you think you may have developed a notion that it's just something you have to put up with, because you were so used to your husband having this trait too?